The Myth That Romantic Relationships Make Us Whole
Questioning the narrative on the need for a romantic relationship
I’m one to buck the trend and question popular narratives. I can’t help it, it’s the INFJ in me. One matter I’d like to knock on the head is the popular conception that finding our soulmates/the One/romantic life partner will “complete” and make us feel whole.
I find this notion ridiculous, and incredibly naive. The thought that a grown woman or man “needs” a romantic partner to feel like a complete human being is outlandish.
The incessant portrayal of romantic love in media and movies propagates this love myth as the highest form of human relationship. A union which, without it, we are left feeling like a piece of ourselves is missing. Like we are incomplete.
In my personal life I haven’t found this myth to hold any water. It was often when I was with a romantic (if you’d even call it that) partner, that I felt the most incomplete, and unlike myself.
In most relationships, we are forced consciously or consciously to slowly mould ourselves into a version that our partner will find more appealing. Or at least more tolerable. Some of us mould more than others, but both partners often change their values, personalities or opinions at least a little.
If this is the case, how on god’s earth does the other person make us feel whole?
I mean if we are side-stepping huge chunks of ourselves, to maintain the relationship or keep the peace. If there is even an iota of pretentiousness and masking then we aren’t whole. Let’s call a spade a spade.
I’ve had friends who would previously happily laugh at the top of their lungs, whilst flailing their arms wildly at a shared joke. Suddenly now assuming “softer”, more “feminine” expressions of laughter when they’re hooked with a male other. I’m left thinking WTF happened to you? Why this bewildering new pretence?
I have also been the woman who has shifted my personality or needs dramatically to accommodate a romantic other. I’m a little ashamed of myself for this display of stupidity on my part. I mean why?
Seriously no one is worth losing yourself into. This is not love, it’s limerance sugar-coated in addiction. True love doesn’t want us to become someone else for them, especially if we are engaged in perfectly healthy practices, and expressions of who are
I’ve seen friends change their true personalities to appear more gentile or appealing to a partner. How is this man permitting them to rest in their wholeness? How are they permitting themselves? They aren’t. They’re morphing their characters, and changing how they naturally present themselves. This is not a splendid vision of wholeness in my opinion. I’m just saying.
It might sound unromantic and mundane, but many of us become a version of ourselves when romantically entangled. We squash certain parts of ourselves whilst shining the light on other areas. It’s the currency we pay to keep a partner.
I’m deciding to jump off that bandwagon. I don’t want to mutate my entire sense of being and character to be accepted by any man. I want to remain me. I like myself, and so be it.
I’ve now become a take-me-or-leave-me kinda gal. I’ve previously been so exhausted trying to be everything other than myself. It’s a sour way to live. I’m confident I can live in my wholeness without the need to twist my values and practices into a web of pretence and inauthenticity.
I’ve never felt more freedom than when I’ve been single and not felt like I had to perform for a romantic partner. In my singleness I don’t feel any pressure to look good, compromise, undermine my values, or do anything that conflicts with my nature and intuition.
I can fully rest in serenity when I am alone. There is no anxiety over his opinions of me and my life choices. I don’t need to care about his judgement of my ethics or practices. I feel lighter in spirits, with a deeper sense of wholeness.
When I’m romantically entangled with someone I kiss my true self goodbye. No matter how close I and the other person are.
Even simple things like sleeping at the time and manner of my choosing aren’t up for debate. I can make an elaborate meal for myself, or throw together some snacks and tidbits in a welcome “girl dinner” fashion.
Relationships often come with a lot of emotional ups and downs. It’s hard to fully be ourselves when trying to navigate the emotional rollercoasters.
Being single brings such a sweet freedom in my life. I don't feel a fraction incomplete, and I feel most completely myself. I can choose to be glamorous, or fully adopt the hobbit-girl vibe in my home space without any attention as to how I will be perceived or judged.
I can wear my hair however I like, watch and read anything of my choosing, and socialise with whomever I like. I can truly live more of my life and rest in my wholeness.
How I see things I feel the most complete when I am allowed to be me. Without judgment, silly compromises, or emotional coercion.
I don’t need a partner to feel complete, because I already feel complete. The single best romantic partner thing is a myth and a lie. One person cannot be our everything in life. At least not in a healthy manner.
We have to diversify the avenues and people we interact with to meet our emotional, physical and psychological needs rather than heap it on a single person.
No one can make us feel any more whole than we can make ourselves feel whole.
I particularly love this quote from Bella DePaulo
“As much as I find the soulmate concept sappy and silly, I also understand its appeal. The soulmate promises an all-in-one solution. Find that one perfect person and you have — for starters — your best friend, your sexual partner, your comforter and caretaker, your cheerleader, your escort to every social function, your consultant on matters large and small, and the one and only teammate you will ever need in home management, money management, and vacation planning.
And that list doesn’t even include any of the potential coparenting possibilities. The soulmate mythology is the ultimate seduction: Find that one right person and all of your wishes will come true.”
― Bella DePaulo from her book- Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After
How I see it, vesting a single person as the gatekeeper and sole trustee of our emotional needs is a dangerous game to play. Why dump that psychological load on a single person? Worst of all, how could we call this love? Is it really love, or is it simply people using other people?
Perhaps in future, I wouldn’t mind sharing my completeness with another, but I don’t have to partner up to feel whole.
These myths are damaging to our human psyche. We shouldn't ever feel we need another person to feel whole, and deeply ourselves. Other people should always remain options not needs.
Instead, we should strive to make our individual lives, rich, whole, and nourishing ourselves. Without having to lean on a romantic partner to meet our needs.
If you can resonate with this essay feel free to share your thoughts in the comments
Related reads
