The Question that Woke Me to Just How Terrible My Relationship Was
Still not sure if I’m answering it right…
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Before going to marriage counseling, I’d think my marriage is “pretty good”: There is room for improvement, but I can’t really complain. I have it much better than so many other people. So, despite for years people have said, “you deserve better”, I dismissed that as “you just don’t understand”. I went to marriage counseling at the insistence of my husband.
After our therapist asked me this in the 1:1 session, I could no longer pretend everything was fine, that all conflicts were my fault.
“When was the last time he let you influence him?”
I sat in silence for way too long, trying hard to recall. In the end, I said in a restrained but defeated manner, the way you would when you realised you did not know the answer to the test you had been studying for, “I’m afraid I could not recall an example right now. To be clear, it does not mean there wasn’t, I just cannot recall”.
After the session, the significance of that interaction dawned on me. It wasn’t so much my exact answer or my failure to recall, but the manner in which I acted. People in a healthy relationship would not have to word so carefully their answer to make sure they get it right. They would not be worried about misrepresenting truth, nor the repercussion of imprecise word choice.
Yet I did.
Waking up.
This opened a floodgate of realisation. The next question that hit me was from a friend, “What would you say to your child if they were in a relationship like yours?“ I can no longer take it all on myself and say if only I’m slightly kinder, everything would be fine.
It doesn’t matter the on-paper qualities. It doesn’t matter the chemistry. If they are not open to your influence, you are only an accessory. It’s a one-sided relationship and it will not work, because the reason you are in a relationship is because you want love. When the other person doesn’t even acknowledge your existence, there’s no relationship.
“You cannot assert your boundary while caretaking.”
The relationship has to work for you. Your mental health matters. Your well-being is at stake here, bub. Not only that, it impacts your ability to work and to care for your family. You have been so worried about how everybody would feel that you forgot about yourself. What are you gaining by holding onto the view that everything is fine?
Onward to healing.
Since this, I have started individual therapy. I have learnt that I have been people-pleasing to cope with emotional abuse since childhood. I made myself small and denied my own needs to feel safe. I am working on healing, from my marriage and various situations. I am practicing how to listen to my body, assert my boundaries, and honour my needs. I am on my journey to embrace abundance.
I hope you do better than me. I hope this writing has been more of a “popcorn” entertainment read, not a “oh-my, me too!”. Thank you for reading.
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