The way I see my toddler now
It helped me feel less triggered
Being a toddler mom is a tough one. No matter how much I love my child, there are many occasions when I feel triggered. I become so frustrated that I act out, then regret it later. As a person who is curious to find reasons, I learned about children and psychology.
I was amazed at how these tiny brains have so many complex mechanisms running inside them. I was relieved to some extent that there was nothing wrong with my child and he was completely normal for his age.
I learned so many concepts that I got a new picture of my kid. This perspective shift made me feel less triggered. And this was a win-win for both myself and my kid.
Truths that I learned about my toddler.
They are not giving us a hard time intentionally.
The important thing that gave me a fresh start was, “ Every cry or tantrum means they need help.” They are not giving us a hard time on purpose. They are having a hard time and need us to sort it out.
This clarity let me handle a tantrum in a better way. When he had one, I took a moment and asked myself, “What does my child need from me?” The old me would have made the situation worse than it was.
They are impulsive by nature.
“Their prefrontal cortex, the one involved in impulse control, is yet to develop.” This one made sense. Even as adults with a fully developed prefrontal cortex, we find it hard to control ourselves. How can I expect my toddler, who is still developing, to obey and be under control?
I cannot control his actions, but I can teach and model for him what is acceptable and what is not. The only thing here is that you need to repeat it several times.
They need the freedom to explore and move around.
Before, I thought that my job was to keep him confined to one place for his safety. My perception was that it was me who was supposed to do everything for him. But science says otherwise.
Children love to be free and move around. They are born to learn things themselves through exploration and movement. Restricting this can affect their development.
After knowing this, I stopped controlling him and let him be himself. Sometimes, I can’t help myself but jump in to help him. But gradually, I practiced being patient, allowing him to have the freedom to find his way.
They need limits to an extent.
Giving him freedom doesn’t mean that I let him run around and sit back to enjoy myself. I am constantly vigilant of his actions and whereabouts. Though it is extra work for me, I enjoy watching him discover things by himself.
I changed my reasons to set limits for my child. I set boundaries in situations that involve the safety and well-being of him and others. I started saying “yes,” if nobody would be hurt or harmed.
They are more capable than we think.
There is a myth that I want to break here, which is the one that most parents keep hearing a lot. It is, “ They are kids. They are not capable of understanding things or doing things for themselves.”
It is not true. It may seem so, but kids are quick learners and good at taking in what they see. As Maria Montessori says, they absorb things like a sponge that absorbs water.
It is our duty as parents to teach them the right things at the right age. Also, we need to be careful and constructive in what we say and how we behave with them around us.
It is okay that they say no.
Many mothers, including me, worry that their child’s first and most used word is “no.” I was guilty that it was because I said no to him often. But there is an alternative perspective to this.
Saying no is a developmental phase of differentiating themselves from their parents. It paves their way towards independence.
With time and guidance, they will figure out when to say no and when to accept things. And so I have decided not to bother too much when he says no. I use it as a chance for him to practice self-affirmation.
They do not hold grudges.
Have you seen a toddler who is cranky all day after a tantrum for ice cream? Have you seen them sulking towards you for not letting them play for more time? No, right?
Unlike us adults, they are willing to forgive and move on. Watching him come back to me after a charged situation makes me feel bad about myself. I apologize to him right away.
Children make mistakes just as parents make mistakes. We, as parents, need to teach them acceptance and apology for the mistakes they make.
They are authentic and innocent.
Sometimes, I feel bad when my child wants his father to carry him instead of me. Sometimes, I feel embarrassed when he does things in public that I presume to be awkward . I used to think that he did things to make me mad.
It took a while for me to realize that toddlers are just who they are. There are no motives or mind games in them. They say what they see and feel. They are direct. They go with their urge. It doesn’t mean that they are mean and hate you.
They need time. We need patience.
Mostly, you can find me shouting something repeatedly to my toddler. They are things like, “ Put on your shoes. ” Eat in small bites.” or “Stay still while I change for you.” I feel my anger boiling up as quickly as I shout for the second time.
I also like it when my little kid tries to do things by himself. But I feel the urge to help and correct him when it takes time or he does it wrong. Again, it doesn’t end well for me and becomes a recipe for frustration.
While learning about children, I realized that I, even as an adult, require time to process things. I need time to master my skills. How can I expect a child to learn and understand everything within the time limit that I set?
I anchored it in myself that kids need ample time to process what we say or master what they do. I, as a parent, need the patience to let them learn in their own way and time.
With these new insights, I was able to paint a new picture of my kid. This new image lets me understand and handle him better. And thus, everybody at home feels more peaceful.
What is something that you learned about your child?
