Welcome to Parenthood, Go F*** Yourself
What I’ve learned from the dark side of the parenting community
My favorite part about graduating high school was finally being done with bullies. From kindergarten to the moment I tossed that blue cap above my head ten years ago (knees pop), I dealt with being bullied — for my looks, my shyness, and even my interests.
I believed once high school was behind me, all the people who soured my school days would be too.
But a recent Reddit experience reminded me that bullies do grow up. They don’t remain on the playground or haunt the high school hallways forever.
They go out into the world, and sometimes they end up on places like Reddit. And BabyCenter. And Ovia. And TikTok…
The bus stop, the locker room, and Facebook — all places I would expect bullies to lurk. Never did I think I’d see grown adults attacking each other, let alone on platforms for parenting advice.
Parenthood is a shock to the system as it is, but the amount of bullying and animosity I witnessed and experienced within the parenting community jolted me to the core.
I first observed it on BabyCenter when I was newly pregnant with my daughter. The app itself was very informative, but the community room was nothing short of vicious. Of course, some commenters were kind and helpful, but they were few and far between.
What I observed most were posts peppered with comments insulting the original poster’s intelligence, mocking first-time moms for asking “such basic questions,” moms being shamed for not breastfeeding, and some were even being shamed for breastfeeding — the shame game was strong in that community.
I eventually switched to Ovia and was more than happy to leave it behind. Phew, no more nasty, mommy gatekeepers, right?
… Right?
In Ovia’s community room, users are completely anonymous, there isn’t even an option to set up a screen name. Instead, you’re given a random name upon posting to help you keep track of your posts and comments, which is a combination of color and animal. One day you might be a teal hippo, the next you’re a magenta crab.
I quickly discovered that the colorful animal kingdom of Ovia had its share of predators. Ovia’s community room can also serve as a space for parents to vent or have discussions, which is where most of the less-than-well-meaning make themselves known.
The moment I thought, okay, WTF, was when I saw one particular comment responding to a mom’s post about settling for McDonald’s for dinner because it had been “one of those days.”
I couldn’t tell you if it was a lime penguin or a pink python who decided it was necessary to kick an already-down mother, but I do remember this, “Well, while you do that, I won’t be feeding my kids dead animals. I’ll be nourishing them with science, art, and veggies today. Green sprout emoji.”
W.T.F?
I’m happy to say I wasn’t the only person thinking the same thing because there were plenty of fellow moms who were not having it with Green Sprout Karen. The best part of all was her responding to all the backlash with, “There’s no need to get rude.” Facepalm emoji.
Green Sprout Karen is the one who made me realize that no matter which app I used, parenting forums are not guaranteed safe spaces. But it was an angry TikToker who attacked comedian Laura Clery for being honest about her postpartum depression that really got me asking why.
In a video that has since gone viral, Laura gets real and raw about her PPD, blowing her nose into a (clean) newborn diaper and tearfully opening up about her struggles since giving birth to her daughter.
The amount of support and gratitude Laura received for being vocal about an under-vocalized topic was overwhelming, but one mom took to TikTok and angrily scolded Laura for complaining, declaring her struggles were invalid because she’s “famous.”
Just when I thought the mommy gatekeepers couldn’t get any worse.
As a mom who’s done battle with postpartum demons, I couldn’t fathom why someone, let alone another mom, would shame someone who was in the thick of PPD, yet brave enough to share her pain with the world.
It pissed me off. I was angry for Laura and all the other parents struggling with the fourth trimester who would see that response video.
Laura eventually posted a video responding to Angry TikTok Mom, and she said something that gave me an idea about why parents attack parents.
“This is not a competition.”
Laura’s right, it’s not. Yet so many people act like there is a shiny trophy to be won for who has the worst case of baby blues or whose kid crawls instead of (insert shameless Bluey plug here) bum-shuffles.
My theory about this competition mentality is not a one-size-fits-all; if someone is a sanctimonious prick of a parent, they were probably a sanctimonious prick beforehand.
There are moms like Green Sprout Karen who will make another mom feel even worse about herself for the sake of an ego boost, and there are ones like Angry TikTok Mom who think nobody is as overwhelmed and bone-tired as they are. If there’s one thing that is true for all of us, it’s that parenting is hard.
Even for those who have a village, a supportive partner, affordable childcare, and yes, Angry TikTok Mom, even fame, parenting is still tough.
I don’t think there’s another job that instills more self-doubt, and I believe it’s what fuels a lot of the fires burning in the parenting community, why raising children is treated like a competition, or in Bluey lingo, a “baby race.”
Much of the shaming, gatekeeping, and holier-than-thou attitudes — I truly believe self-doubt is the core of it all.
In some cases, it’s just people being bullies, but I think most of the time it’s a matter of exhausted, overwhelmed parents seizing someone else’s moment of self-doubt to numb their own.
Sometimes it’s bad enough that different parenting styles feel like a personal attack on their own, and I think this was the case for my recent Reddit experience.
I took to the parenting subreddit to ask for advice on encouraging independent play for toddlers. I explained that I work from home, and even though my job as a copywriter allows me great flexibility with my hours, I still need a few moments during the day to answer emails or whip up an urgent copy request without my daughter crawling all over me.
I re-read my post over and over again, looking for the part where I said anything about hating motherhood, thinking I’m better than parents who utilize daycare, or that I care more about my job than spending time with my toddler because judging by the comments, that’s what I wrote.
Most of the responses I received were from other moms, mocking me for thinking I could work from home and be a mother. One Redditor took genuine offense over the fact my daughter isn’t in daycare. Sheesh, I never knew I had such nerve.
I couldn’t decide which was more confusing: that only two Redditors offered advice on what I actually asked about or that my personal family/work dynamic ruffled so many feathers.
To be honest, I was a bit ruffled myself. I swiped the Reddit app off my phone screen and ruminated on what just happened. I reached out for help, and I got skewered for it.
My husband walked in at that moment and knew something was wrong right away. I explained the whole situation to him, and he looked at me and said, “You know it has nothing to do with you, right?”
Right.
In my temporarily rattled state, I’d forgotten what I learned from Laura, and my past observations of this type of bullying. My husband reminded me that the malicious moms behind those comments weren’t actually concerned about my family/work situation.
It was more likely that they were just Green Sprout Karens or stressed-out moms taking their self-doubt out on an unsuspecting parent.
No matter what the reason for the malice was, it had a silver lining to it. It not only helped me decide on the topic for this article but also reminded me why I started writing for parents in the first place.
This gig is already hard enough without the unhelpful, flat-out mean commentary of strangers, and since I’ve experienced so much of it, I know how much good a kind word or piece of encouraging advice can do for a parent who is struggling, whether it’s with fourth-trimester blues or the four-month sleep regression.
So, to all expecting and first-time parents, I say unto you:
Proceed with caution.
I am not suggesting you shouldn’t reach out when you have questions or need advice, nor am I trying to discourage you from using BabyCenter, Ovia, Reddit, or any other online parenting resources.
But I do want you to keep in mind that when you enter any online parenting community, not every fellow parent is interested in helping you.
So when you encounter a Green Sprout Karen or an Angry TikTok Mom, remember this:
It’s not a competition, and you’re doing great.
