We’re having a baby girl
2 years into my anorexia recovery and I get to be a mama
It was April 18th, 2022 when I found out. It was a Monday afternoon. I was laying on the floor in my room staring at my stomach. I hadn’t gotten my period yet which didn’t alarm me too much considering it had tended to be a little irregular throughout the past few months.
After almost 3 years without my period, having it be slightly irregular was something I was proud of. It was a celebration every time it came because to me that meant, my body was working, it was strong, and it was healthy.
As I lay on the floor staring at my stomach I noticed how bloated I was. In the past, this would have been triggering for me, but instead this time there was this level of curiosity and gentleness. I remember saying out loud, “Jules, what's going on?”
I decided to go to the store to buy a pregnancy test, just to be sure.
When I got home I took the first test right away, but just to keep things interesting the first test didn’t work. So I waited as patiently as possible to pee again…which didn’t take very long.
I took the second test and left it in the bathroom. I went downstairs to get a snack in the meantime, and while down there butterflies filled my stomach. I had a feeling that the test was going to say something that would change my life forever.
It was a surreal moment as I picked up the test and read that word, which was clear as day: “Pregnant”.
I remember my entire body beginning to shake. I remember a wave of joy and gratitude rinsing over my body. I remember not wanting to make any sudden movements.
I don’t think I would have believed anyone if they told me that I would be able to get pregnant at this time in my life. I have been in recovery from Anorexia for almost 2 years now. And throughout these past two years, my priority has been to heal my body, my mind, my relationship with food, exercise, and well break free from a box my eating disorder had put me in for far too long.
In 2020 I would say I felt like I had hit rock bottom. My health was declining rapidly, and I quite literally and figuratively felt like I was disappearing.
I entered into residential treatment on September 17th, 2020. This marked the beginning of this long and winding road to healing.
Finding out I am pregnant and going through my first trimester and now in my second has been a beautifully challenging, healing, emotional, and rewarding experience.
After almost two hard years of so much change, challenges, and unknowns, to be able to write this is a dream come true. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. At one point I wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible. But to see how far I have come is truly a beautiful blessing, and to be able to grow our daughter in my womb is something I will never take for granted.
Finding out we are having a baby girl, was the most incredible, terrifying, sensational news I was ever given. Whether she knows it one day or not, she has been my motivation to keep on going way before she was even born.
Baby girl, thank you for choosing me. You are already so loved. We will see you in late December. ❤
