What About Adult Best Friends?
On third wheels, priorities, and babes
In the new buddy comedy Babes (2024, dir. Pamela Adlon), Michelle Buteau’s character tells Ilana Glazer’s that “Adults don’t make their decisions based on their best friends,” and I hate to say it, but she’s right. And I hate that she’s right.
About a month ago, one of my best friends graduated from her master’s program, and I almost missed it to shoot a commercial for a cellphone carrier. I ended up not getting the role, but if I had, I would have taken the job.
I’m an actor, and a national commercial is not an opportunity I could turn down. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t get cast, because I got to spend valuable time with a friend I hadn’t seen in over a year, but if I had gotten the gig, as much as it would hurt, I think she would understand. We as a culture tend to place work above friendships, after all.
My friends have been there for me countless times when I needed them, but I can’t say the same for my jobs. Yet, our loyalties towards our jobs usually rank higher.
That is understandable because while your friend won’t usually end your friendship over a missed hangout, and will still stay your friend if you spend months without talking, the same can’t be said about our jobs. Our truest friends are more loyal to us than a job will ever be, but in order to keep the jobs, we are expected to be even more loyal to them than to our friends.
This begs the question: Where do we prioritize our friends in relation to romances, family, hobbies, and other needs? Are we prioritizing our friends at all?
I am happily coupled up now, but for most of my adult life, I was single.
My life was friends, family, college, and work. There wasn’t even time for a crush. Most of my friends then were also uncoupled, but the ones who were coupled had no problem including me in their social life.
I had no issue being the third wheel if it meant hanging out with my friends, and now, as a part of a couple, I have no problem if a friend joins me and my partner on a fun endeavor.
Still, I know there is a third wheel stigma — I’ve just been lucky enough to have friends and a partner who don’t perpetuate it. The whole idea that the single friend hanging out with a couple is awkward, a loser, or unwelcome is wrong. One way we can make sure to stay true to our friends, even while dating or married, is to end this stigma. Otherwise, our single friends can get left behind, or worse, ostracized.
If you are the single one, as I usually was, also make sure that you don’t place that stigma upon yourself. I don’t mean “crash your bestie’s romantic dinner date”, but remind your friend that you still want to hang out with them, and that, if you and their partner get along, you don’t mind including them in your social life, too. Your friend getting coupled up could mean a distancing in your relationship, but it can also mean a new friend!
Before my current relationship, I always had a friend as a plus one, as emergency contacts, and as my go-to person at the end of the day. Now, my partner fulfills those needs, but I still need and value my friendships.
Most people would likely make a life-altering decision, such as moving or career, for a partner, or at least take their needs into consideration before making that choice. How often do we consider our friendships when making big decisions?
One of the expectations of a healthy romantic relationship is fair reciprocation. Yes, I would factor my partner into my decisions, but I expect my partner to do the same. Friendships don’t carry these same expectations, and while this can give them levity, it also means they might not get prioritized — even the ride-or-die ones.
Our current status quo depends on the idea of the nuclear family — two parents and a child or two. There is nothing inherently wrong with nuclear families — having a close, small circle of your most trusted people is a good thing. But the nuclear family is not unbreakable.
In a world where most marriages end in divorce, how can we pick ourselves back up again if we sacrificed our friendships for that now broken nucleus? And even when a marriage is long-lasting, is it reasonable to expect our romantic partner or a child to fulfill all of our friendship needs?
Friendships require upkeep. I am not the only one who lost friends during the peak of the COVID pandemic, because some friendships did not survive the lack of outings during those years. The ones that did, however, did not do so passively. As an adult, I have maintained the friends that I have through perseverance.
I hang out with a friend about once a week, and that’s because I put in the effort to stay in touch and plan hangouts. My friends are worth the effort, and the effort is mutual, too.
I also have friends far away, and we text each other, or at least send a meme, to let them know that I am thinking about them, like pulling a little thread to keep them close to our hearts and minds.
Despite being laugh-out-loud funny, Babes drives a tough point home — as much as we love our friends, it is hard to keep our friendships flourishing in our adult lives. Whether it’s the cousin you grew up with or the colleague at a new job, we need friends, and they need us. Much like romantic relationships or a career, our friendships deserve to be a top priority, too.
Maybe text them a link to this article to let them know you are thinking of them ;)
