What I Learned About Relationships
In the corporate world and beyond
I spent many years in the corporate world and quite a few years in the relationship management profession. I help organizations identify, plan, establish and grow relationships with their stakeholders.
I came to realize that people use the same principles to manage work or personal relationships. Or almost the same. You know, the ‘fluffy’ but important concepts such as Trust, Respect, Cooperation, Communication.
That said, I want to talk about the more subtle aspects of relationships which I observed over many years.
People always tell us who they are.
It’s just that we are not listening.
It takes observation skills and listening to people to understand who we are dealing with. Then it takes common sense and self-discipline to accept reality as is, instead of projecting our own expectations on the person.
Some people are good pretenders, but no one can pretend all the time. There are always some tendencies which we can observe over time interacting with someone. If people mistreat others, they will mistreat me, too. If people gossip with me about others, they will gossip about me, too. If they backstab their enemies, they can do the same to me.
Our instincts are usually right.
I introduced a simple rule into my life, which always works. The rule says: If I don’t feel loved and appreciated, respected and included, then I am not (I’m not imagining it). Period.
We all understand and express appreciation differently. The levels and mechanisms of appreciation are different, too, according to the relationship context and nature. But absolutely any live being instinctively knows if they are not loved and appreciated.
It’s impossible to confuse the feeling of not being appreciated with any other feeling. It makes us feel that the interaction is purely mechanical. It’s damaging to our self-esteem, motivation and wellbeing.
People don’t always need the truth.
Not everyone is prepared to hear my frank and open opinion. Alas.
It’s always wiser to ask, ‘Do you really want to know what I think?’ This gives people the opportunity to stop and contemplate the question. Who knows, they may not want to face ‘my truth’.
We all have very different levels of tolerance to the truth. Sometimes people expect that ‘our truth’ will reinforce their picture of the world, so when it doesn’t, all hell breaks loose.
And who said that ‘my truth’ is the ultimate truth, anyway?
Bribing doesn’t solve anything.
Gifts, treats and too many words of ‘I’m sorry’ after relationship blunders — especially on a regular basis — are actually bribes to lure the person on the receiving end into an unhealthy relationship pattern.
Of course, bribing someone with positives is much better than bluntly pressuring them into submission, but it’s also quite damaging, especially in the longer term. It’s a way of saying, ‘I’ll continue doing what I’ve been doing and will then pacify you with a bribe.’
And it’s true that the person on the receiving end often turns a blind eye to the ‘bribing’. It’s easier to ‘take the bribe’ than challenge the situation.
Yet, bribes don’t resolve relationship issues, either at work or at home. They can only work for a time, until the problems have piled up and conflicts appear on the horizon.
We reap what we sow.
The old good saying actually works. Relationship building is a like-for-like process, and we should sow wisely.
If we invest disrespect and pressure, we receive resentment and a push back, or a communication breakdown. If we invest only material things forgetting about emotional care, we receive material things only (where’s love gone?)
People tend to reflect back at us our own behavior. Even if they don’t immediately respond back with the same tactics, perhaps because of a power imbalance, the broken trust and respect will find a way to damage our relationship later.
Last, but not least, I strongly dislike the word ‘management’ in relationship management.
The word ‘management’ has negative connotations of a mechanical manipulation to achieve a certain result.
Relationships should be grown, nurtured, taken care of. Not managed.
