Where My Guilt Lives
a tale for my feelings
There’s this monster in the forest. Feared by all, the biggest beast a man could imagine. His fangs were something that came out of a nightmare, its eyes red and gore, grotesquely bleeding black tears, its body shrouded in a cloak of smoke, its arms and legs elongated, stumpy and horrifying, capable of bringing the bravest of men and women to their knees. In this forest, the monster lived alone, with its misery as a company. It despised and rejected any soul that came to visit it and felt sorry for itself for the loneliness that consumed it.
The monster, which I’m now tempted to name Anguish, Angus for short, had little choice where he would be, sometimes he would find himself visiting the main city, but whenever he made such visits panic would set in, people would run away or often stand paralyzed in terror at the mere sight of his presence and by the time he left, chaos had already set in. Buildings destroyed, bases smashed, rivers gushing and flooding neighborhoods. His visits were never welcomed in the city, although whenever he went it was out of sheer necessity. But sometimes, very rarely I must say, a citizen came to visit him in his forest.
Strangely enough, this individual who visited him was always the same. And ‘visit’ shouldn’t exactly be the word used in the beginning. The first time he visited was quite curious. The citizen, who we’ll call John, was dragged by force, whimpering, screaming at the top of his lungs about how much he didn’t want to be there, begging for the mercy of his captors. He promised to the wind that he wouldn’t do it again, that it would be different, that he was sorry. For what? Our monster would never know. All Angus cared about was that John was now entering his territory and he didn’t know what to do in this situation. He was the one visiting the humans, not the other way around. Especially given the way John entered his world, dragged by his arms, and thrown into the middle of a small dirt track that led straight into the woods where the monster rested.
As John was thrown mercilessly at the foot of the forest, he curled up in a fetal position, wept, and kept begging the wind to have mercy on him, that he wanted to survive, that he would be good, that he wouldn’t make mistakes again. John was led to that place so he could be punished for the things he did and we will never know what those actions were.
Our monster looked at him curiously, apathetically, coldly, feeling more sorry for the terrified human than for himself. He didn’t feel the urge to prey on him as he did when he went into the city. So he just looked while the shriveled man in ragged clothes cried and cried. Angus had no way of telling him that he wouldn’t hurt him, that he was so terrified that he wasn’t worth the effort of the terror he could cause. So Angus watched him silently, hoping that his intentions of peace would become clear through his actions. But it was John’s first time in that forest and he had no idea how he was going to survive it.
After hours of paralyzing horror, he realized that nothing had happened, so he stood up on shaky legs and walked backward. Without taking his eyes off the monster, who stared right back at him. This episode repeated itself in Angus’s life for several days and some nights as well. He was dragged so many times to that forest that he knew how to get there and seek the punishment he thought he deserved. Eventually, John entered the forest of his own free will. Because he knew that was where he was supposed to be. That it was where he belonged. And Angus, well, he started to welcome John and enjoy the company.
John was a skinny, quiet, kind boy who didn’t make any mess. So his presence was not uncomfortable, and the loneliness that Angus felt began to be reduced. Both individuals began to spend hours in each other’s company, appreciating the various beauties of the forest. The small flowers, the color of the sky, the silence and peace that place possessed. After years of sharing those silent moments, John finally accepted that the monster wasn’t a bad thing. And being in its presence wasn’t a punishment but something to be grateful for, to admire, and to respect.
Until the moment came when John decided to invite Angus to visit the city. And all that chaos and panic at the beginning? Well, it existed again. Destruction collapsed beneath that place, but this time, our monster had company. John stood on his shoulder and guided him; he handpicked the buildings he thought should be torn down, and Angus destroyed them block by block without mercy. You see, some structures are meant to be brought down. The fear this caused the others simply strengthened the bond between Angus and John, where one was no longer alone, and the other was no longer scared. And together, they began to have a long and loving relationship.
I wrote this story for my feelings: anger, fear, pain, guilt, anguish, and envy. Which used to terrify me but now we work together to understand myself and my intentions and that they are not something to fear but to appreciate. Thank you if you’ve come this far. Please make sure to follow this young author.
