Why Do We Struggle So Much With Letting Go?
No, I don’t mean grief at the death of a loved one. That’s a whole other level of pain. I am talking about friendship losses, break-ups, and family splits. Those times when we have to let go of people who will possibly be gone forever, but by choice.
Yes, there is a reason behind that goodbye, and it probably more than justifies the estrangement, but hardly ever does it make it hurt less. But why? Why is it so hard for us to let go of friends, partners or family members with whom we have a toxic relationship?
Among the large number of individual reasons for each person, there is a group of general ones that are often a common denominator in these situations. Among them, emotional dependence undoubtedly stands out. But before I dig deeper into the subject, I want to make one thing very clear: being emotionally dependent on someone does not mean you are weak.
Most people at some point in their lives have been dependent on someone, even if only temporarily. You can be the most independent person in the world and be emotionally dependent on a family member, friend or partner, regardless of the degree of dependency.
Many times we know that that person we love is not in the right or has done something wrong. We get angry, but it also pains us. And we hurt because we care about them. And if arguing with that person already affects us, saying goodbye to him or her forever breaks us.
Not wanting to experience that kind of pain, the loss of a person with whom you have a certain degree of emotional dependence, is one of the strongest reasons why it is so hard for us to leave. We know that the relationship has become toxic and harmful to us, but it would hurt us more to go through the process of breaking up a friendship, family, or relationship.
Another big reason why it is so difficult to separate from a person is comfort, habit. Maybe you live with that person, share a dog, have the same best friends or play on the same sports team. Maybe you have aunts, uncles, grandparents or even parents in common, go to the same events or are in class or work together.
Breaking these habits would make it much easier to drift apart, but some, like kinship, cannot be changed. There comes a point when that person is such a natural, routine part of your life that you don’t even consider anything else.
Finally, and perhaps linked to the previous two, there is fear. Fear of change, of being alone, of the people you have in common turning against you. Fear of uncertainty, of how your life will change now that this person is no longer part of it. It comes in numerous forms and for countless causes, but it is the strongest reason why we are unable to leave or let go.
Faced with these situations, although it is not easy, we must make a simple yet complicated decision. We must choose (and stick to) putting ourselves first. Always and above all. The only person who has been with you all this time has been you, and will remain with you until the end of your life.
So appreciate it. Cherish yourself. At least as much as you cherish others. You are worth it, you can do it and you are not alone.
