Domestic Violence
Why Victims of Domestic Abuse Often Feel Guilty (and How to Change It)
It’s a long path to turn guilt into self-love, but it’s possible and worth it.
I work with victim/survivors of domestic abuse. When we meet, many tell me that the abuse or the incident was their fault; that it was their own doing. Some — usually the ones who have endured it for years — acknowledge they’re protecting their abuser (and there are many reasons why they do this), still, you can spot their guilt in the way they talk, their wording.
They talk about how wrong the abuser’s acts are, adding to their statements a “but” — an indication of how they are part of the problem; of how they are, even partially, responsible for the abuse they’re experiencing.
I frequently hear from my clients things like “It was my fault; if only I had not reacted”, “he* was stressed and I pushed his buttons”, or “he has poor mental health and I’m not supportive enough”, “I need to do more/better”, and so many other variants of this self-directed guilt. Victims of domestic abuse justify it with their own acts (or as they perceive it: failures) or neglect.
The way you’re treated in a relationship impacts your overall well-being.
