Why You Must Have At Least One Emotionally Safe Relationship
It’s not to cry on someone’s shoulder
Everyone needs an outlet
Let’s say hypothetically, you had a thriving career and tremendous growth prospects. You got married and had kids. Now you are saddled with a lot of responsibilities and making sacrifices. Your career prospects are affected.
You most likely blew out the possibility of succeeding in your profession. A brilliant career has become mediocre. As a mother and wife, it’s often uncomfortable to voice this out loud in certain cultures. People don’t take it kindly. You may be seen as a selfish b*%&h.
In many families, there are internal issues between family members and poor relationships between mother and daughter-in-law. Misunderstandings lead to huge rifts in relationships. This is quite common in India. I don’t know about other cultures.
Many of us have awful and mean colleagues at work or a tyrannical boss. They suck the life out of us and make us feel stuck, angry, and confused.
No one understands you and your predicament. Loneliness surrounds you and the thoughts continue to gnaw at your soul.
In all of these situations, you often end up suffering alone because you feel vulnerable opening up. If you observe, you will note that most of us are not being our authentic selves while interacting with others. The pain remains festering inside.
You are left wondering — is there nothing I can do? Is there no way out?
What you need is some kindness and compassion. And something else.
You need an emotionally safe relationship.
What happens in an emotionally safe relationship?
An immensely close friend of mine messaged me the other day.
“Hi, when are you free?” I called her shortly and chatted for more than 75 minutes. This is a person with whom I don’t speak for days and weeks at end. There are enough friends and family around us.
When it’s about sharing something related to our fears, health issues, life challenges, secrets, or relationship disappointments — we turn to each other and not to the huge network of friends and family.
The reason is simple.
We both have mutual respect and don’t feel uncomfortable sharing our true feelings or being vulnerable in front of each other. No one has power over the other but the power to listen with compassion and kindness.
Sometimes you have to drop your guard so your heart can breathe. ~ Emma Xu
You get a vent hole
Problems in life are routine and regular. You can’t do much about them, yet you have the right to feel bad, upset, sad, and be heard. You aren’t always looking for a solution. You want to be given an empathetic hearing. To be heard without prejudice or bias.
Have you ever come across someone who is suffering from post-partum depression? Such women find themselves incapable of taking care of the newborn as they go through extreme sadness and tiredness. Some women do not go through a full-fledged case of PPD, but something close to what I have described above.
Carrying a baby to term with all the physical and emotional changes and then spending sleepless nights trying to take care of the baby requires humongous strength. Not everyone has that. Yet, people feel how someone can be so negative instead of eagerly clasping the joys of motherhood. It just alienates the new mom.
Do you know what they need to make it through?
A safe space and relationship to vent out and clear the mind. To be able to open up and say things that might sound rude, unkind, or inhuman and let it out without hurting the feelings of those around us. Regroup and bravely face the world again.
A safe non-judgmental space
You often shun discussing your dreams and fears, needs and wants, wishes and goals. An emotionally safe relationship is the perfect antidote in such circumstances.
These are a beautiful and healthy sounding board to figure out how to make things work irrespective of the constraints. An emotionally safe relationship helps you find a solution to a conflict by giving an outside perspective. You don’t get judged for your stand or mindset. Doesn’t it sound delightful?
You can be who you are
In such a relationship, you might enjoy a creatively fulfilled life. You can connect with people better and share your vision, ideas, and true thoughts. It is freeing and empowering.
If you have money problems, body-image concerns, sex life issues, or mental health challenges — you might not be forthcoming in speaking out.
Keeping quiet will not solve your problem. You have to let out the steam and speak out to purge it from within. You should be able to open up about your intentions, emotions, and actions. And that is what an emotionally safe relationship is for.
No one is pure. Our thoughts, behavior, attitude, actions, our lives are made up of dark and light. The light usually keeps the darkness in check. Can you imagine how many people you might hurt if you let your darkness run amok?
But life is not one seamless flow of good and happy. Things happen. They affect us. Some more than others. It produces dark thoughts. Unless, you have a way of dealing with it, and keeping it in check, they can completely overshadow you you can become a threat to others or yourself. You need such a relationship to battle the darkness in you.
So that you don’t lose yourself. But an emotionally safe relationship is not something you stumble upon or pick anyone in your life at random.
The most likely place to find a safe relationship
We’re often afraid of being vulnerable, but vulnerability creates genuine connection. ~ Gabby Bernstein
You may have a huge social life. Tons of friends. A whole bunch of siblings and cousins. A loving partner or spouse. Yet, when you need to be heard, you might find yourself standing alone in a crowd.
These are not the people with whom you are honest. You tend to create these personas and present ourselves in a skewed way. To seem more likable, acceptable, and even conforming.
Though I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, I seldom show my vulnerabilities or emotions. There is nothing wrong with it. Instead, I have two friends who make me feel safe enough to show my true self and voice my real thoughts, unfiltered, and unchecked.
We have remained friends for 18 years and are going strong.
If there is any conflict in my life, they are the first (only ones) to know. Usually, they listen without interruption. Much later they question me if I am looking for any advice. If I say yes, only then, do they tell me what they feel or think, including if I am going wrong. You see the power is with me so I feel safe.
Listening to a third-person perspective is often difficult. What right do they have to judge me? What do they know? That’s not the case with these two kindred souls.
These are relationships that I lean on infrequently. My friends listen to me actively and point out if I am blowing things out of proportion or creating a doomsday scenario when it’s nothing but a passing cold. They don’t mind pointing out to stop overreacting and causing an unnecessary ruckus.
They know me inside out. Where I come from, my past stories, failures, missteps. They see the “authentic” me without the veil or glamor—a raw and uncut version. Most significantly, they have nothing to gain by showing me the mirror other than helping me wade through any situation.
Having this luxury to share and confide in has helped me come out of many emotionally draining or painful events and get a grip on my life.
To thrive by sharing
A slight nudge, a small hint, and a few kind words are all it takes to enable us to move forward. If you move your arm slightly by a few degrees, you can serve much faster in lawn tennis or improve your time in the pool.
In moments when life seems unsurmountable, such resolute and safe relationships anchor us. You cannot have emotional safety in all human connections but some will stand out where you feel comfortable to express ‘exactly’ what and how you feel.
The beauty of these relationships is they have boundaries too. You get warmth and comfort but no one mollycoddles you and agrees to all that you say and feel. When the time is right, you are gently served with inputs that can make an actual difference in your life. For the better.
Our lives sometimes get stuck in petty things or non-issues. We are unable to let go and move on. Other times, the thing that’s bothering us is indeed vital. It cannot be overlooked or side-stepped. It’s also the thing that’s holding us back.
No one should have to struggle to repress the feelings of sadness, despair, or anxiety in their personal or professional life. It’s inhuman.
I hope each of us can find that person to whom you can say without restraint, “I am not doing well. I need help.”
Emotional safety is feeling internally secure and confident in your life. ~ Amy Leigh Mercree
Ipshita Guha is an ambivert who aspires to be a ghostwriter and pass the second half of her life vicariously through those having exceptional lives. She also writes about other stuff on Medium, LinkedIn, Twitter, and her website.
