Women Don’t Owe Men Their Bodies
Sexual coercion is a disgusting practice, bodily autonomy is our birthright
Hey, ladies (yes ladies, because my articles always seem to drag some men out of the woodwork). I previously wrote a previous article that clamored for a lot of conversation:
Now I want to touch on the disgusting yet widespread practice that is sexual coercion.
In simple terms, sexual coercion is when a man uses all manner of mental gymnastics and psychological tactics, including guilt, shame, weaponised misery, and religious ideas to try to get you to give up your bodily autonomy, and sleep with him.
This topic makes the hairs on my arms stand up in a rage, and my eyes pop out of my head. Arh how mad I am at the thought that this practice is so widely accepted as normal.
There is nothing normal about feeling pressured to sleep with a man. It is even more abnormal when the man is your husband or you're in a serious relationship.
I’ve listened to many friends stating they are married to their “best friends” yet feel so overwhelmed sexually by the pressure to engage in physical intimacy against their will. These friends have stated they feel they can’t refuse him, because he’ll get in a mood, or stir up drama. Who the heck wants to be married to that?
Wake up ladies, what are we doing to ourselves? Our bodies are sacred and precious. Men’s bodies are also sacred and precious, why do we fail to see this?
“Making someone feel obligated, pressured or forced into doing something of a sexual nature that they don’t want to is sexual coercion. This includes persistent attempts at sexual contact when the person has already refused you. Nobody owes you sex, ever; and no means no, always.”
― Miya Yamanouchi , Embrace Your Sexual Self: A Practical Guide for Women
We have a right under any circumstances to retain our bodily and consensual autonomy. Not relinquishing it under the weight of nagging, guilt-tripping, and other emotionally abusive tactics.
If a man repeatedly does this to you to get you to sleep with him, he doesn’t love you. I’ll say this again, he doesn’t love you. He’s just using your body as a tool for his sensual pleasure.
You’re not much more than a sex toy to him. This reality can be a bitter pill to swallow. Especially for the ladies that have bought into the brainwashing that spontaneous unhindered sex is an “expression of love”. It’s not. Wake up, ladies.
You can convince yourself otherwise, but that’s the simple truth. I wish I had other women tell me this when I was in the throes of emotionally abusive relationships.
Every time I was mentally encouraged (forced) to engage in physical intimacy against my will, I hated it. I felt like a used tool, my self-esteem was sinking in my boots, and I loathed my partner internally.
I knew it was wrong, and I felt disgusted with myself for giving in. I knew in my deepest being that true love doesn’t look like this.
Thankfully I have healed from all that murkiness, choosing to channel that energy into helping other women open their eyes to this abuse.
Sexual coercion often involves a man using all manner of mind tricks, psychological arm twisting, guilt-tripping, and religious or ideologically nonsensical infused statements, to make a woman succumb to the pressure of sexual engagement with him.
It’s the lowest of low, and women shouldn’t be okay with this. A man should respect your no, or not now, regardless if he’s a one-night hookup or a husband.
In my eyes, If you’re not fully consensual in mind, and body to allow sexual intimacies, it’s a form of rape.
So yes a woman can be raped, many times over in a marriage or so-called long-term relationship. What makes this practice even more enraging, is that sadly many women are willful partners in this subjugation of their rights to bodily autonomy.
What are some of the ways a man can get his way when it comes to nagging a woman into sexual “intimacy” (actually sexual oppression) with him?
Well let’s see some common phrases he might churn out:
- “I can’t help it, I’m a man”-Seriously? Really? This is nonsense, otherwise men would be running around in society sexually attacking anything that moves. They can help it, don’t let them bamboozle you.
- “You’re my wife, so isn’t it your duty to make me happy in bed”-Erhm no it’s not
- “It’s been a few days/ weeks/months”-when he says this, he’s making the whole process clinical, and transactional and killing any notion of romantic spontaneity, or consideration of whether you’re in the mood for it or not.
- “Oh I can’t help the fact, I’m so attracted to you”-don’t fall for this one ladies. They appeal to your ego, to psychologically wrangle you into pleasing them. It’s hidden selfishness disguised as love/desire/infatuation. They just want to please themselves. And see your body as a tool for physical pleasure for them. Not you.
- “You’re always tired, how about I help you with the cooking/cleaning/housework/laundry etc? Then maybe you can be in the mood later” -Nope a man who truly loves you, and wants to make life easier for both of you. Will help out with domestic tasks, with no strings attached. Your body is not a reward for him helping out about the home. Ladies stop disrespecting your tiredness, exhaustion, bodily autonomy or need for physical space, just to keep a man happy. This is a dysfunctional way to live.
- Oh gosh, you look so beautiful today, I can’t wait to you know what”-again see the previous explanation. This is him trying to hoodwink you and play on your intelligence with crass ego-stroking. Gals some men would do anything to get into your panties. You know what I prefer than boosting my ego for his rewards? A man who would pay compliments for the sake of them, without needing a “payment” with me offering my body.
- and the list goes on…..
Because as girls society has ingrained in us that our physical beauty is a currency of sorts.
We have been primed by a patriarchal society to accept the bare minimum to give up our bodies for the pleasures of men.
Now If a woman truly feels in the mood, and consensually (in mind and body) wants to engage in physical intimacy with her partner. That can be such a beautiful thing, and I say burn those sheets. But there is nothing as horrendous, sordid, misery-evoking and disgusting as having to give up your body, for the sake of another's pleasure.
The religious institutions (that’s how I see them) have contributed greatly to the disempowering of women in this regard. Many preach how it is a woman’s duty and obligation to always present her body to her husband/partner whenever he desires it. WTF? No, nope, nada, zilch!
No, no, no ladies. Don’t fall for the tricks, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and weaponized misery many men use to get their way, and march you to bed.
Your bodies are precious temples, they should be loved, cared for, and wrapped in a blanket of respect, honour, trust and space.
Relationships should not be battlegrounds, where you have to fight for your right to sleep, rest, personal space and bodily autonomy. If you are in such a disrespectful (let’s call it what it is) relationship, where your no is a foreign language to your man.
Then it’s time to get some serious couples counselling, have deeper conversations about his behaviour or best of all start to distance yourself physically or go your own way.
Because this sort of coercive behaviour put simply is abuse. It’s physical and emotional abuse, regardless of what story he tries to spin.
I’m talking from a woman who gets it. I have been there. I have had many sexual experiences where I hated the entire thing. I hated my partners for being dirtbags and cajoling me into relinquishing my body autonomy.
I felt like a tool, for his utility. But even worse I hated myself. I hated myself for thinking by giving in, time and time again I could keep a man. I hated myself for thinking that maybe as things progressed he would be more respectful and understanding (he wasn’t).
I write these words because I hope I can help some women out there be illuminated to the fact they have a right to say no. They have a right to the full expressions of their body which includes, taking a break, resting in their physical completeness, and feeling safe to say no to sex, or not now to their partners.
Women must awaken to this abuse
Many men are resting comfortably in the net of patriarchy that they just don’t care. Because patriarchy favours them, they get all the benefits, power and control, and many men will fight tooth and nail, to hold on to that.
Collectively as women, we have to rise and say enough of this nonsense. We are divine and light-filled beings. We deserve a life that is honoured, we deserve to live in peace-filled, loved-filled lives, that aren’t so exhausting of our bodies and spirits.
I could go on and on about this, but I’ll leave it here for now.
Discussion please
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on this issue. Have you experienced sexual coercion in a committed, long-term or marriage? How did you navigate those waters, or what other insights, tips or ideas could you offer other ladies?
Because I find often it’s women who can save women. It’s only a woman who understands the lived experiences of other women fully.
Most men, unless they have a high self-awareness or healthy self-esteem index, just don’t get it. If you’re a man with a reasonable opinion on this, i’d be interested in hearing your thoughts too.
So yeah, do share your thoughts in the comments, and let’s stay strong as women, and remember we don’t owe men our bodies.
If you resonated with this, please share your thoughts in a comment and read more of my related writing
