Women Don’t Owe Men Their Listening Ear
Stop being a therapist, coach, counsellor and mentor for a man
This article is accidental. Not in the sense that I don’t know what I’m writing. But in the sense that I hadn’t planned to write it.
However, I wrote a prior post about a related topic and noticed quite a few people resonated with my message.
Hence I figured let’s run with this.
Hey ladies, you don’t owe men your precious time listening to all their woes, self-doubts, and troubles.
Yes, I’m saying it, because it needs to be said. Seriously I’m not speaking from the position of a woman who has her shit together. Far from it. Believe me, I’ve been dragged through the relationship minefields many times before. It’s laughable.
Anyway, gals pull a chair closer. I’ve got something to tell you. In case no one ever told you. You don’t owe a man your listening ear. You don't automatically become his therapist, and shoulder to cry on because you're dating him.
Even in a committed relationship, there is only so much emotional weight you should be shouldering. To maintain you're own sense of calm and balance. Especially if he’s an energy vampire.
Why is it that women are happily bumbling along, living their best lives before they get hooked on a guy? Then after that, we put on our therapist/counsellor/healer/mentor/trauma-dump-site hats.
We listen to…
- his whining about his unhealed childhood wounds
- his complaining about co-workers incessantly. Without him taking responsibility for making changes at work.
- his doubts about his ability to improve his life (perhaps he would if he’d go easy on the video games, and lounging about)
- his endless story-telling about how god damn awful his ex was (of course she was, that’s why he was with her for FIVE years!)
- his whinging about his sullen relationship with his siblings
- and blaa blaa blaa
Enough of all this. Women have our own emotionally grim histories, and self-doubts to unpack. Who is there listening to us? I find it’s either no one, or other women who are better at providing a listening ear than most men. Even the so-called love of our lives.
In a past relationship of mine, I would often offer my thoughts on possible reasons my ex had a “so-called” hideous childhood. I would be left exhausted drained, and in need of a sage cleanse afterwards. All the heavy energy was too much for my soul to bear.
In the end, he’d often be left feeling uplifted after my free-therapy session, whilst I was left drained as F*ck.
Nobody has time for that anymore. I’m refusing to do it again. I will be ever the optimist to pick anyone up, man or woman. But people should also own their healing.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a loving, caring and giving kinda gal. But I’ve often found this to be a detriment. I would have guys constantly go on and on about their inner life, their interest, and their worries.
Seriously if they were giving out PhDs in Counselling Psychotherapy, I would be a prime candidate. Because I’ve sure had the life experience to back me up.
Now I’m not saying all women should walk around being selfish, self-adoring, and not giving a damn about a man. Nope, that would be an unbalanced way to live in the world. It would also not allow loving energy to harmonise between both sexes. Unloved men are hardly the best lovers to women after all.
What I am saying is that as women we shouldn’t let the men in our lives disown their own self-agency for their mental wellbeing. They should be allowed to unpack their own mental and emotional turmoil, whilst we lend a gentle helping hand. They should be the captain of their emotional lives, whilst we are part of the crew. Not the other way round.
What might this look like in practice?
It might involve us asking them to see a therapist counsellor or spiritual mentor. Or we can point them in the direction of self-help books, podcasts, videos or other self-help material.
While they are busily engaged in juicy shadow work, journalling, yoga, therapy sessions or anything else. We can refocus our energy on ourselves. Yep, all that time listening to his jazz could be reinvested in your own life. Your kids, your hobbies. Or in hanging out with your girlies.
Operating this way in a relationship will allow us not to feel mentally tasked and overstressed. Ensuring our cups are ever filled.
Because we don’t automatically owe men our listening ear for hours upon hours, just because we are exploring a relationship with them.
To make this shift, we must stop doing too much for men. Sometimes to encourage a strong man, we have to be a soft woman. Not soft in terms of being a passive submissive fly on the wall. But soft in terms of stepping back a little, and allowing him to guide his own life.
We have to give men the space to step up in our lives, and most importantly in their own lives.
So next time a man starts whining about the reason he is a broken man. Or why he didn’t further his education or career goals. Slap a Tony Robbins book in his hands. Or help him google reviews of good therapists online.
And don’t forget to get yourself a chill kombucha drink, make a nice cuppa tea, or call up one of your girlies. Whilst he’s busy sorting himself out. :)
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