You Can’t Have Everything
Women are more susceptible to this seemingly well-meaning advice, which is actually a means to sift out competition.
If you are a woman reading this, a professional, or even a freelancer, maybe even a homemaker, I would bet you may have had someone say this to you. Someone who sounded reasonable and was concerned about your welfare. One who cautioned you against stretching yourself too much at the stage of life you were in, seemingly protecting you from yourself and from diving head-on into chasing those lofty and audacious dreams.
I have been beguiled into believing that this was all well-meant and constructive advice, when in fact it was more about sieving me out of the competition.
In March 2016, I returned to India after completing doctoral and postdoctoral training abroad to start my lab and an independent research group. To go from being a researcher working under a supervisor who bore the main responsibility for everything, from securing funding and resources to salaries for folks in their team, to an independent position in academia is a huge leap. I was grappling with not only the sheer scale of this transition but several personal challenges—family members who never ceased to remind me of the ticking biological clock and seemingly pressing decisions to be made in that realm; pregnancy; raising a baby; the academic and scientific research landscape in India that felt alien after having spent more than a decade outside it; a brooding air of disquiet and an utter lack of self belief in my capabilities. I was struggling, and one of the first things a senior and experienced male colleague advised me was to do less—write fewer grant applications for lab funding, accept fewer students, and put out fewer feelers to speak more about myself, the research, and the teaching I was aiming to do. He gave me his own example and how he ended up with a bad back as just one of the fallouts of pushing himself too much. He sounded genuinely concerned when he asked me to slow down. It aligned perfectly with the general advice on productivity and work-life balance. I wouldn’t have guessed otherwise until much-later.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in healthy boundaries at work, outside, and between them. But I also believe that I get to draw the line. And that nothing is outside the scope of my choice. If I choose, I can find time to run, paint, read, and write, even as I care for my young family and manage a demanding 24x7 role.
In eight years of being a professional, it has been disheartening to see colleagues who disguise their insecurities as seemingly genuine counsel in order to sift out competition. Often, it is the women who end up at the receiving end of such advice.
It is far too easy to convince a new mother who is already struggling with the challenges of maternity, her changing body, and the tectonic shifts in her self-esteem and identity that her dreams are just too far out of reach. Sadly, it is why many women retract out of the workforce or find themselves willingly relegated to less shiny roles that demand less commitment and/or time but also offer fewer opportunities for advancement. It is also why we sometimes give up on hobbies that we have deeply cherished but that are no longer part of our one shot at living a more fulfilled and well-rounded life.
It is true that one cannot have everything at the same time. But you can and must prioritise what matters and is important to you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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