Beware of False Prophets
Why these toxic masculinity “Relationship Guru’s” have to go.
We’ve all heard it. “Don’t text him first”, “don’t be too clingy”, “let him do what he wants”, “don’t put any expectations, needs or standards on him whatsoever and don’t make any sudden moves or you will scare him away and die alone.”
Ok so maybe I embellished on that last one a little…but haven’t we all heard similar advice from some used car salesman vibe, hypermasculine, over the top “relationship guru/expert/advisor?”
We have, and I’m here to tell them, they are not the solution. They are the problem.
Why They’ve Got to Go
Teaching women to pretend they have no needs or expectations of a relationship or partner, is exactly that, teaching them to pretend. Why? Because we are all human! We all have preferences, needs, and expectations out of a partner or a relationship, and stuffing all those into a deep, dark closet somewhere, is not only not truthful it’s not sustainable.
Psychology 101 teaches us about what happens to emotions that get shoved down, they come roaring back up. They come out in blowups, aggressive behavior, or breakdowns. Of all the things they do, disappearing is not one of them.
We do not need to be teaching women to “Bend it Like Beckham” to fit the mold or desires of a partner.
We need to encourage men and women, to form deeper connections and mutual partnerships based on trust, honesty, and understanding of the needs of the other and want out of a relationship.
Here’s The Lure
Here’s how these “relationship gurus” get so many followers…because their advice works. In the short term. Our society has raised an entire multi-generational pool of emotionally avoidant men. Men who view the emotional aspects of a relationship, as a minefield. Women have been taught to cater to this demographic, by shoving down all hints of emotions or expectations. But this dance is not good for anyone.
Think of giving a kid as much chocolate cake as they want. At the moment perhaps the child is happy, they got what they thought they wanted. But overall that is not truly what is in that child’s best interest, they have not learned the valuable lesson of moderation, and eventually, the behavior will make them sick. In other words, they think they are getting what they want, but in the long term, it is not good for them.
So it is with the toxic dating culture we have wrapped ourselves in. By allowing men to get away with bad behavior; putting their wants over a partner’s needs, not having them take responsibility or emotional accountability, then we have not done them any favors. It is not allowing them to create deeper, more meaningful connections with a partner. And toxic relationship “gurus” furthering this dynamic are also not doing anyone any favors.
It’s Time to Get Real
Life is messy, people get real, and relationships need to be built to last. That means they cannot be based on the misconception, that it is perfectly acceptable for men to call all the relationship shots, and women to dance around in the emotional minefield their partner has created.
The “don’t call or text first”, “don’t be needy” mindset, might work in the short term, but for people looking for long-term, pandemic proof, meaningful connections, these relationships and “gurus” will fall far short.
So it’s time we put an end to these false prophets and their low-budget advice. It’s time to change the channel to those preaching positive masculinity and dating practices, and those encouraging both men and women, to work with their deeper emotions, to create long-lasting, meaningful connections and relationships. We all deserve it.
