Divorced at 23 and What That Taught Me
I never gave myself the chance to learn what was acceptable in a relationship and what was not.
No person dreams of marrying their high school sweetheart only to divorce three years later. Though lessons must always be learned the hard way, and with a little perspective, those hardships can be turned into strengths.
“You’re 23? No way.”
“I thought you were in your 30s.”
“You don’t carry yourself like a 20-year-old.”
I got this on a regular basis in the months following my divorce.
I used to tell people I was really 40 on the inside and damn did it feel that way.
I remember going into a bar and thinking “Why are all these kids in here?” only to realize I graduated with some of them.
In a few short years, I had experienced it all: moving out at 18, buying a car, getting married, buying a house, starting a business. I was on another page of life earlier than the rest of my generation, though it was gained rapidly and without the wisdom necessary to sustain it.
The truth is I felt 40, but emotionally in ways I was still 16. I had not experienced the trials and errors of dating different people. I never knew heartbreak or what it felt like to fall in love again, knowing what makes the second one better.
I never gave myself the chance to learn what was acceptable in a relationship and what was not. In that naive and vain attempt to maintain my ignorance I did not find bliss. Instead, I inhibited myself from growth and lost myself in the process.
In the marriage, I became all that he was and constantly tried to be all that he wanted me to be. Losing him meant more to me than losing the things I loved. What I didn’t realize was that with each aspect of myself I gave up for him I was becoming more and more dependent. I had nothing to fall back on.
I had lost my identity.
This ironically is what caused our failure. He wanted me to be strong as he’d tear me down. He wanted me to be independent except only his way, because I made that acceptable. By the end what was left wasn’t me at all.
My confidence was destroyed and I had lost anyway to stand up for myself. We both were far too young and inexperienced to see the toxic way we viewed each other. Love truly is blind and it is impossible to see until it has been broken.
I learned a lot from that young marriage, like the depths I could love a person and at the same time drown myself. Being nurturing, unconfrontational, and loving unconditionally are strengths when applied to the right situations, but weaknesses when in the wrong ones. Without this failure, I wouldn’t know what the wrong ones were.
I know now that in life we cannot avoid hard lessons, and by doing so we only prolong their consequences. You must always stay true to yourself. If someone loves you they will respect you for who you are. You teach others how to treat you.
My father once told me: Know your value. Know your worth. I will never forget it again. There will be times in your life that this is tested. Whether it be a relationship, friendship, job, or otherwise if they cannot see your value they do not deserve it. Be courageous knowing that you are worthy of anyone or anything, just the way you are.
In the end, I don’t regret getting married at 20 years old to my high school sweetheart, and I am very happy to have been divorced at 23. Seven years in the most constructive time period of one’s life was well spent gaining perspective through the positive experiences and also the negative ones.
Remember, your identity is always singular. The true danger is when we forget that. I never understood the phrase ‘you must love yourself before you can love anyone else’, until that someone else disappeared and I discovered how truly lost I had become.
Now I am able to love more deeply, with greater strength, and wisdom because I will love myself first.
I turned 25 recently. On my birthday my friend asked me, “Do you feel older?” I laughed and said, “Nope! I actually feel 25!” I aged in reverse, though I wouldn’t have it any other way. Pain lingers for however long you want it to. The moment you decide to choose yourself is when true growth takes place.
And who knows you may even feel young again!
