The Myth of Relationship ‘Closure’
How we can move on, no explanation or apology needed.
Let me tell you a little story…
We met at a local park for coffee and a walk. We laughed, we kissed, we had deep conversations, the stuff of first date fairy tales. Soon we were having dinners, cocktails, movie nights at each other’s houses, and things were going just great(or so I thought.) We talked on the phone regularly, had inside jokes, a ton of things in common, basically all the makings of a good relationship starter pack.
Then, one day, with no explanation “Poof”. He was gone. I had noticed a general decline in texts and invites for outings, but hadn’t thought much of it, then suddenly no calls, no texts, no invites not even a response. I got moonwalked. He very awkwardly and without tact disappeared from my life. I was devastated. There I sat, alone in my living room, surrounded by the pictures and memories of our time together, wondering what in the world had gone wrong.
Closure is as Closure Does
“Call him, you deserve closure!” my friend insisted, and the old version of me would have done just that. I would have called him, letting it ring incessantly. Then when he didn’t answer I would have sent him a seething text message about his insensitivity, all his faults, and how much of a jerk I thought he was.
But the truth is, yes, while ending something by slowly moonwalking out of the situation is being kind of jerk-ish, but you know what else is? Blowtorching our anger and need for “closure” all over their phone, friends, or Facebook.
Because here’s the thing, we don’t need the “closure.”
If they stopped calling, texting, wanting to see us…that’s the closure.
That is ultimately our answer: that they do not want to be with us. That is the answer to the question of if the relationship is over. I know, it’s infuriating, and the mind begins going through a Rolodex of a million different possibilities: was it something you did, something you said, did they meet someone else, did they get back with that ex they kept talking about, did their grandmother die, did they get abducted by aliens? The possibilities are endless, and the truth is it could be any one of those things, or all of those things, or some combination of those things (although the alien thing is probably less likely.)
Why is the Neverending Question
We think we have to know why, but we don’t. Even if we do get ahold of them and corner them into giving us an answer, they may not tell us the truth, or they may not even know themselves. Why we suddenly lose interest in someone can be one of the great mysteries of the universe, so often it is something we can’t put our finger on. Or maybe they can, and it is truly shallow, irrelevant, and hurtful information that you are better off not knowing anyway.
You don’t need to know they dumped you because they thought your voice was annoying, or that you smelled like their grandmother, or that you had too big of a gap in your teeth. Besides, all those things are completely subjective. Someone else may love your voice, your perfume, and even that cute little gap in your teeth.
So, instead of chasing them down for a useless, and potentially hurtful, or untrue answer, we can create our own closure. We can begin to accept that for whatever reason they are no longer interested, and accept that them no longer speaking to us, is the closure.
No apology or explanation needed.
Create Your Own Closure
I know you may be feeling a little helpless here. Like you had no say or choice in the matter. It may even seem like calling them up and arguing your case or debating their reason for ending things will give you some control. But it won’t. It will most likely leaving you feeling frustrated and hurt and will ultimately be unfruitful.
I mean do you really want to argue your way back into a relationship with someone who has already decided they don’t want to be in it? Or do you really want to hear all the reasons someone doesn’t want to be with you? I’m guessing not.
It may seem like you have no choice…but you do. You can choose how to react. You can choose how to move forward. You can choose — yourself.
You my high road taking friend, can aspire to something greater.
So do that. Be that. Find that. Take the path of elevation and cut your losses. Receive the message(even if there wasn’t one) and move on. Feel the hurt, the disappointment and the frustration, you have every right to. But feel it, heal it and then let it go.
Holding onto that hatred, or anger, will only end up hurting you and your future relationships. You have a choice. You can live in the resentment and burn through hours of time and your friends patience venting about it or chasing down an answer or… you can simply choose to move on. No closure or apology needed.
While it may not feel like it right now, that person did you a favor. Yes, what they did is a human behavior, but it’s not an ideal one, and it is not one you want in a long term partner. You want someone on your level, someone who is not afraid to have tough conversations with you and who is actively working on bettering themselves as a human and a partner. The one who just ghosted you, is not that person, at least not right now. But that’s ok, because now you are freed up to go out there and find the one who is. And that my friends, is how you create your own closure.
Finale
Closure is a concept, an illusion, something we think we need from someone else when in reality we can give it to ourselves. We have a choice. We can choose resentment or we can choose freedom. We can spend years demanding closure or we can give it to ourselves right now. The choice is yours….
