When Is it Ok to Get Back with an Ex?
5 ways to tell if your relationship (or ex) deserves a second chance.
He(or she)loves me…he(or she)loves me not? It’s a flower petal toss-up sometimes as to whether your long-lost love of an ex, is worth rekindling or if it is best to just leave well enough alone.
Cuffing Season Caution
It can be very tempting to lean towards the familiar especially around the holidays and “cuffing season.” Cuffing season is the season of relationship musical chairs where everyone desperately attempts to couple up before facing the long lonely winter nights and the triggering holiday family-filled days. It’s a normal thing, to gravitate towards what we know, but sometimes in life and love, (and especially with an ex), it is better to just leave well enough alone.
But then, on the other hand, we hear hopeful stories of ex’s who were able to rekindle their extinguished flame and go on to have happy, healthy lives and relationships. Stranger things have happened, it is not impossible to get back with an ex and have things work out when at one time they could not. But there are some key components involved in the art of getting back with an ex. And more often than not, these hopeful tales of romantic rekindling are the ex-ception(see what I did there?) and not the norm.
So here are 5 ways to know if you even want to approach the concept of getting back with an ex. And if these 5 baselines aren’t met, it’s probably best to just steer clear of the situation, and that person, altogether.
Let the energy of the relationship clear out so you and they, can gain some perspective on how the relationship actually was, and if the problems you faced, are things that can truthfully be resolved.
1. Time
Ask yourself, has an extended amount of time passed? I don’t mean three days, I mean weeks, months, even years. You see, once a breakup happens, our mind and body go into full panic mode. Do you know that feeling of physically missing someone? That is our body's reaction to having our own personal endorphin piggy bank of another person, taken away.
We are wired to have connection, so when we lose that connection, or person that was giving us all those warm fuzzies of belonging and bonding(even if those moments were few and far between) our body and mind react. We begin to rebound. It’s a dangerous time and one where our minds can play tricks on us. Suddenly those terrible, awful, no good things that they did, don’t seem so terrible, awful, or no good. I mean it wasn’t that bad, right? Wrong. It was that bad. It was so bad that you had to end things. Or they ended things. Either way, it was not good.
So give yourself some time. Let the energy of the relationship clear out so you and they, can gain some perspective on how the relationship actually was, and if the problems you faced, are things that can truthfully be resolved. Time ensures you want to get back with someone because you truly want to, not because you feel you have to or are worried you will be alone.
The concept of “being friends” with someone right after a breakup is truthfully not very realistic.
2. Space
Space is kind of the same concept as time. It is hard to get over someone or see clearly, if you are still constantly in each other's space, whether that’s through technology like phones or social media, or in-person meetups.
The concept of “being friends” with someone right after a breakup is truthfully not very realistic. Romance and friendship activate two totally different parts of the brain. It is hard to just flip a switch and change from one to the other. Residual emotions often linger for months after a breakup, making it difficult to gain perspective.
Continuing to be in someone's space can just prolong and heighten those emotions and keep you from clearly seeing how someone or the relationship truly is. So make sure some space has been taken, some time of no contact, where everyone was just living their own lives, ex interference-free.
It takes one person to participate in the bad behavior, and one person to accept it.
3. Recognition of Fault
It takes two to tango. Yes, always.
It takes one person to participate in the bad behavior, and one person to accept it. And yes, staying with someone is accepting the behavior. Period. Actions speak spades louder than words in relationships, so even if you would yell at them about it, ask them to change it, etc. if you stayed with them, then you were accepting it on some level.
So someone saying they “were not the problem” in a relationship, is just not realistic. Now that is not to say one person wasn’t the bigger problem, because certainly, there is generally one person that is the greater offender, and whoever that person is, should absolutely be taking the lion's share of the responsibility.
But to make a relationship work, both people need to recognize their role in it. So if your ex is coming back around saying things like “I hope you’ve changed,” “none of it was my fault,” etc. Then that’s your cue to leave. If they aren’t coming in with some way that they can change their behavior to improve the relationship, even if it's something like holding better boundaries, walking away when they are triggered, etc. then this thing is doomed to fail from the get-go. Everyone plays a part in breaking down a relationship and everyone has to play a part in building it back up.
If they aren’t proving change, then guess what, nothing will change.
4. Solid Plan Of Improvement/ Ongoing Change
The keyword here is change. You want to see some sort of ongoing, sustainable change that has occurred.
What’s going to be different this time around?
You are looking for solid plans and proof here, not a vague “oh I won’t do it again,” “it will be different this time” or worse, no recognition of an issue at all. If that is what you are being offered, then that’s just not good enough.
If for example, you felt their temper was an issue; did they join anger management, get into therapy, join a program, find a support group, etc? Was there some solid and ongoing change that took place that they are committed to pursuing even after they are back with you?
You also want the catalyst for this change to come from them, to stem from their own recognition of the problem. It’s fine if your breakup spurred them to make the change, big life events often do, but if they are promising to go to therapy only after getting back with you, or anything along those lines, then you can be sure that is a promise that will never be kept. You want to see that they have made changes, all on their own.
If they aren’t proving change, then guess what, nothing will change.
So what you are looking for from them is:
1. A recognition of the problem
2. An admission of fault(not all of it necessarily but at least their role)
3. Solid, actionable steps of change that they are already participating in and will continue to participate in even once you are back together.
Also be advised that basic issues of compatibility, are not subject to change. If you two just don’t mesh, then even a plan of change will not be sustainable. Because someone adapting their entire lifestyle, personality or hobbies just isn’t realistic.
5. Slow and Steady Wins the Race
Another indicator of re-relationship success is speed. Are they looking to jump right back in where you left off? Aka the bedroom?
It’s normal for a reunited relationship to move faster than a brand new one, but you need to treat this new reunion with care. Sometimes there is just no way to know if someone or the relationship itself will actually be different until you are in it, but you don’t want to get too invested too fast. You want to give it, and them, time to show the true colors of how things are going to be.
You don’t want to rush right back in only to find out they have not truly changed, or that therapy they said they were in doesn’t exist, or the behaviors that made you leave are still alive and well.
So as tempting as it may be to pick right back up where you left off, give it some time and take it slow. You need to be able to push the eject button right away if need be, and if you’ve already slept with them, committed to them, moved back in with them, etc. then that’s going to be a lot harder to do. So if you do decide to give it another chance take your time! And if you find they are really pressuring you or trying to take things at warp speed, then take that as the red flag that it is.
Parting Words
So there you have it, 5 critical ways to tell if your once fiery romance, is on course for a rekindling or if it should be extinguished for good. If your ex is coming back around without having met these 5 qualifications…then save yourself some time and heartache, and just say no.
