If You Don’t Go For It, You’ll Never Have It
Accept the possibility of failing, but go after your goals anyway
What various life opportunities, relationships, aspirations, habits, are you forfeiting because you continue to say “No” to yourself?
You want to start the passion project of your dream, but you predetermined that it’s not worth the effort.
You want the job, but you talk yourself out of applying for it because you somehow know that you’re not qualified.
You want to start writing for a publication, but you’ve already convinced yourself that it’s only for people with more advanced writing capability than yourself, and that your ideas are garbage, and no one will care enough to read it.
You would like to abandon the traditional office environment to purse remote jobs, freelance work, or some other entrepreneurial pursuit, but you’re not willing to put the work it takes to succeed in those ventures because of the risk involved. So, you’ve toned down and allowed your limited expectations to define your life and decisions.
You’ve settled in for lesser aspirations because you’re too scared of failing at something you love, so instead, you choose to succeed at something you have no passion for. You become convinced that your approach is futile, so why even attempt it, right?
These are all manifestations of self-rejection — the indicator of giving the fear of failure outsized importance — the tendency of listening to the voices that call us worthless and unlovable.
Our habitual self-rejection behaviors feel harmless, and it’s what we’re often comfortable with. It’s easy to stay in the comfort of familiarity, but at what expense?
Because sooner or later, you’re bound to feel the pain of regret gnawing at your soul. The pain of what could have been if you dared to take the chance?
Could you have succeeded in the entrepreneurial venture?
Could you have gotten the promotion?
Could you have mastered a new language or skill?
Could you have created a legacy that will take the next generation to a level you can only begin to imagine?
Could you have established healthier boundaries in your relationships?
These are only a few lists among all the ever-growing mountain of regrets that we humans self-indulge ourselves in.
Research even confirms that “You’re more likely to lose sleep over ‘couldas’ and ‘wouldas’ than ‘shouldas’.”
When we lack confidence in our power to make things happen, we say “No” to ourselves in the process. We reject ourselves. We opt for instant gratification to avoid short-term discomfort while missing out on long-term fulfillment. We park out our dreams, putting it on hold for just a moment — a long moment.
In the process of fearing rejection from the world, we start to reject ourselves. We come to fear the word “No” to such an extent that our goals and visions are sometimes shaped by the avoidance of this term.
Because that honestly feels like a punch in our stomach.
It hurts.
It hurts to get the email, “We’ve decided to move forward with another applicant...”
It hurts to hear your boss turn down your request for promotion.
It hurts to see a message, “You’re great, but I can’t take things to the next level.”
If you sit back, lay low, stay quiet, and tell yourself no, before any of these scenarios could happen, you feel safe and in control. Momentarily, you get to avoid the pain of failure, the pain of rejection, the pain of falling flat on your face.
For most of us, we like staying in the imaginary place where we feel we have some illusionary semblance of being in control. Hence, the idea of pushing ourselves out of the box of our comfort zone scares the wits out of us. When we enter into the realm of uncertainty where we are absolutely out of control, the fear of rejection becomes so strong that we resist moving forward.
We fall victim to a not-good-enough syndrome that we start to undermine our efforts. We never even give the world a chance to reciprocate our asks. We end up guiding our life based on this fear of getting rejected. So, we don’t take action. We don’t chase our dreams.
But here’s the thing: Any audacious goals worthwhile that you decide to go out and pursue comes with the risk of failure. It’s the only 2 in 1 deal that never ends.
Recently, my friend went through notoriously rigorous interview processes for Amazon and for the University of Washington. To paint a picture of the intensity of the process — it included online assessment, phone screening, written assessment, case studies, business process analysis plan, and back-to-back 6 hours of a video interview with a total of 10 people. It took a lot of effort, time, and energy from her. At every step, there was an element of unpredictability about it. She had to put everything she had into each attempt and wait to see at what point they’d reject her. The process left her exhausted but hopeful. Then the call came from the recruiter. She didn’t get the job…
In whatever form rejection comes, there is no denying that it is painful — especially after an extensive process like that. But, she left me inspired when she said, “I’ve learned that a career path will not be a straight line. There are some battles in life that you win, and some you lose. Despite the reality of the hiring process, I have to keep showing up. I have to keep playing.”
To her point, you will not get 100% of the people, 100% of the time. Nobody does. No salesperson can close every client. No interviewee can walk into every interview and get hired. No writer gets it right the first time and published a book instantly.
There is always going to be a mismatch — an element of luck.
So, the real point is: Be okay with it. You have to come in terms with the reality that those who succeed a lot also fail a lot.
If you limit the expression of who you are and what you have to give in the world based on the belief that you might get rejected, you’ve stripped away the possibility of ever getting what you want.
Rejection is painful, but in my opinion, the pain of regret will always weigh higher. The alternative is wallowing in ‘roads not taken’ and living in the thoughts of what could have been.
Now, you may think, what are the odds of success — chances of something working out well?
Well, it’s hard to say.
It’s hard to know if that next person you go on a date will be the person you’ll end up marrying.
It’s hard to know if the next candidate will be your most profitable business partner.
It’s hard to know if the next opportunity will be the one to take you closer to your goals.
But one thing is certain:
If you never attempt, the odds quickly tumble to zero.
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” — Nora Roberts
When weighing up whether to go after something that could leave us vulnerable to failing, we have a tendency to overestimate the probability of something not working out. Potential losses seem to loom larger than potential goals.
The reality is that the risk of something not working out is often not nearly as high as we estimate, and the odds of it working out well are often far better.
So, instead of avoiding it, take a chance. Let the chips fall where they need to. If it doesn’t work out, rethink your strategy and try again. And again. And again.
