Doing It For Yourself
It’s for me and only me.
I loved Camille Grady’s story Confronting the Emptiness. It’s about, as she describes, learning to make your life about you.
One of the things we often say when we start choosing ourselves is: when you do better for yourself, you can be better for others. Although this is completely true and noble, it’s again about OTHERS.
So What’s the Big Deal?
It’s a very subtle statement and it doesn’t seem to hurt. But for someone who is healing, this subtle inclusion of ‘so you can be better for others’ is a very little thing (almost invisible to us) that can keep you going in circles.
When Camille asked me to write about it, I felt the subject was still triggering. I know I was the one reacting to her story with: “I’m not trying to be selfish, so I can be better for others. It’s for me and only me.” Still, it is hard to write about it.
A Few Triggers Pop Up
I will write the thoughts that come up:
“This is so inconsiderate.”
“You always think about yourself.”
“You have a kid. What about him?”
“You‘re a social animal. We all need each other and do things we don’t want.”
How To Handle These Thoughts
When you’re completely oblivious of other people’s needs, you might not ask yourself these questions. These questions come up in the minds of people who have always put themselves aside for others. The people-pleasers. The martyrs. The people who carry the weight of I-have-to-do-things-so-others-will-be-there-for-me-too.
These people are usually not the ones who are inconsiderate. They are usually very responsible and caring.
So when we start doing things for ourselves, we still carry other people with us. We still include them in our journey. Because if we feel better, they will feel better too.
But what if we did it for ourselves, completely? What feelings come up? Does it feel like you are abandoning others? Do you feel guilty for not including them in these activities, interests, or daydreams? Are you allowed to daydream about things for yourself without including your loved ones? For me, that would mean I would have to daydream without including my kid. Even while writing this, it feels triggering to admit not including everyone all the time.
But I do wish for some things for myself, just for the sake of me. I’m not trying to push myself into forcefully doing those things and blocking others out of my mind. I just subtly tell myself: this is 100% for me. I deserve this and I don’t have to share this moment/experience with others. This thing is for me and I am allowed to indulge in it.
These are thoughts I have to get used to, but now that I have asked myself some confronting questions, I feel I created space for myself. Now, these new thoughts have some space in the background to grow over time. By asking ourselves some hard questions, without having the answer directly and instantly, we allow our bodies and minds to grow into these new thoughts/realities.
Let it be triggering for a while. Allow yourself to feel inconsiderate and irresponsible for a while. Notice what it does to you. Know that deep down you are never inconsiderate or irresponsible. You are just learning to love some things/activities/experiences for YOU.
Trust Yourself
Also, trust yourself that you will not abandon your role as a parent, friend, sibling, co-worker, etc. Trust that you have it in you to fulfill those roles once they come up and need your attention. Choosing yourself will not make you a sociopath. It will not make you a hermit, even though you might choose more moments to spend by yourself. It will make you an inspiring person. Not everyone will get you, but the people you love will let you be who you are. But most importantly, you will like you more. With this exercise, we want to impress ourselves. Not others.
Writing this was hard and I just quickly jotted everything down so the triggered emotions could flow freely without me censoring them. So, if you have any additions, feel free to comment.
I want to close this off with some of Camille’s own words:
Sometimes I want to shine too
