everybody dies

a bizarre interaction.

8:33pm.

Satan looks different in person.

There’s no horns. I think the media created his ‘red’ colour. There’s no impending feeling of doom. There’s no fear. Not for me. Not anymore.

“I’m not Satan, you dumb fuck”. He grunts, dragging my lifeless body out of the bathroom, blood trailing along.

It’s a weightless feeling. To die, that is. One minute you have the universe looming over your head, the next is the blissful black. How I wish the blissful black could have lasted forever.

“Nothing lasts forever” He chuckles.

My leg twitches. I just killed myself, why am I awake?

“Fuckin’ stinks in there” He sighs, pointing to the bathroom. It doesn’t look like my house anymore. The hallway is steaming; my feet burn as they drag along the red carpet. An endless hallway, dark faceless painting hanging on each side, stretching to infinity, made of pure gold. Where he drops me looks like an office — wide and deserted. A golden table lies in the centre. On either side: a chair.

He sighs and takes a seat, signalling for me take mine. “Sit”. I cannot get up. I just killed myself, why am I awake?

He sighs again. “Sit.”

I can’t move.

“Yeah you can.”

Did I say that loud?

“No.” He smiles.

My mouth syncs with my mind. “I can’t move.”

“Yes, you can. Now get up and sit down.”

I pause. My legs wiggle. The blood rushes through my body. My bones grind. My teeth chatter. I get up and sit down.

“Where am I?” I say.

“You’re in the midst of the universe” He smiles, lighting up a cigar. He’s a skinny man. Balding, pale and degenerated. Completely naked.

“I…I just blew my brains out” I say softly.

“Correct.” He blows out smoke.

“Why am I awake?”

“Well, you’re not awake. So to speak. I interjected for a reason.”

“Where am I?

“You’re in the midst of the universe. You’re also in the bathroom of your house. You’re also in a castle in Spain. You’re also asleep in court. Blah-blah-blah. So on and so forth.”

“What are you saying? Am I in a different dimension?”

“Of course.”

“So…I’m not dead?”

He laughs out loud. “No buddy, that ship has sailed. You blew your fucking brains out.” He chuckles. “That’s funny though.”

“So why not let me die?” I cry.

“Well…I need you for something.”

I pause.

He rolls his eyes and brings out a clipboard. “Well, okay…you shot yourself at 8.33pm. Shocked everyone at the office, we had you going for another few years at least. Anyways, see your mother has leukaemia.”

“What?” I shudder.

“Yeah, real bad. She’s gonna have a seizure at 8.50pm. You were supposed to catch her and send her to the hospital.”

“Wha…when….I…”

“It’s okay champ. Too late for regrets now.”

“You want me to take her to the hospital?”

He laughs again. “This fucking kid.” He points to me. “Hey asshole, you’re dead.”

“What do you want me to do”?

“Alright. At about 8.20pm, your neighbour’s gonna die. His wife kills him.”

“Mr. Richardson?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“He — ahem — is into little kids. She felt guilty about not stopping it or something, anyway…”

“Wait — I –”

“Hey…don’t interrupt…it’s rude. I need your soul.”

“My…my soul?”

He points to my centre.

“I can’t give you my soul!”

“Why not? You got no use for it now…”

“My…” I begin to sob. “My mother…she…she…”

“She is gonna die if you don’t give me your soul. You died but she doesn’t have to.”

“I’m sorry”.

“Sorry can’t save you now. Not part of the plan…”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?” He leans forward.

“Okay I’ll do it.”

He pauses. Shock. “That was easy.”

“You’re gonna put my soul back in my body right?”

He pauses again. “Oh…buddy.” He shakes his head. “No, I’m gonna give your soul to your neighbour.”

“The child rapist?” I say, horrified.

“Yeah.”

“No. No way. I change my mind. I don’t wanna be dead anymore. Gimme back my body.”

“You change your mind? Whaddya think this is a fucking Subway sandwich? You don’t get fucking do-overs.”

“So why does the paedophile?”

“Because he didn’t kill himself.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I don’t make the rules buddy. I just follow them.”

“But…but…”

“Hey…as soon as kiddie-fucker saves your mother. I’ll take it away. Snap! Just like that.”

“My mother…” tears stain the table.

“You shoulda thought of your family you made your brain into soup.” He chuckles. “Brain into soup. I like that.”

“What are you?”

“I’m just a man.”

“Are you a god?”

He smiles. “No, but I’ll take the compliment.”

“Are you the devil?”

“Let’s not get nasty.”

I can’t give him my soul.

He sighs. “Think of the plan. No. I mean…er…think your mother. You’re sweet, innocent mother.”

I begin sobbing like a baby.

“Oh jeez.” He rolls his eyes. “Er…come on…er…coulda been worse…right?”

My snot filled face looks up: “How?”

He pauses. “I…erm…why don’t we take a walk okay?”

“Okay”. I sniffle.

His naked body leads me down the burning hallway. We’re both dripping with sweat as our voices echo.

“Why can’t you help me?” I plead.

“Everybody dies kiddo.” He pats my back. “Everybody dies.”

the end.