Other People Are Not Your Benchmark
Jiu jitsu — a treasure trove of metaphors for life
I’m stuck in the blue belt blues.
Meaning, I’ve been training jiu jistu for several years, and I’m better than a lot of other blue belts, but I’m still not good enough to be promoted to the next level.
I’m in this sort of blue belt limbo land, where I don’t really feel like a blue belt, but I also don’t feel like I deserve a promotion yet.
I’m lukewarm.
It’s really hard to stay motivated to keep training with that kind of mindset — especially when I look around at a lot of my training partners, and they’re all getting promoted or recognized for their progress.
Meanwhile, there’s me, standing in the back, not even sure if my instructor knows my name.
Once I’m done feeling sorry for myself, though, I remember the words that my instructor often says to close class — that we’re all on our own journeys, and that we’ll all be promoted when we’re ready to be promoted.
Translated,
I should not judge my own progress based on the progress of my peers.
In jiu jitsu, there isn’t a fixed amount of time that you need to have each belt before moving onto the next. Promotion is based entirely upon your own progress and your own journey — and that assessment is left to your instructor’s discretion.
So comparing myself to my classmates will only result in my own frustration, because:
Other people are not my benchmark — I am my own benchmark.
I am my own unique person with my own unique life and my own unique skills. So why would I judge myself and my progress based on someone else who is on a completely different journey than me?
Comparison is the thief of joy
Whenever you compare yourself, your journey, your situation, to anyone or anything else, and you feel bad and worthless and any other negative adjective because of it — that is the moment when you have lost. That is the moment when you have chosen unhappiness. That is the moment when you have let it steal your joy.
However, comparing yourself to someone else can be good motivation for improving and doing better for yourself — especially if you’re a competitive person.
Just be careful not to let that comparison turn to jealousy or negative self-talk — that can fester and make you unhappy, rather than motivate you to do better.
For a non-jiu jitsu example, it’s easy to look at someone very accomplished like Nicole Lapin, who was the youngest anchor on CNN and CNBC at the age of 21, and think, “Well, shit. What have I been doing with my life? I must really suck, then.”
Incorrect.
And also, not fair. I don’t know anything about Nicole’s personal journey or the struggles and hardships she went through to achieve that goal.
Just because someone else is successful, that doesn’t take away from my own success. And just because I’m not the best of the best or freakishly successful at a young age does not mean that I suck.
Instead, I should have said, “Wow, look at how accomplished Nicole was at such a young age. I should emulate her hustle in my own life and see what kinds of things I can accomplish, too.”
Better.
It’s all about the way you frame it.
Don’t rely on recognition
Other people should not have to validate your progress. Make time to step back and see your progress for yourself.
You don’t need the acknowledgement of other people in order to recognize your own progress.
Letting go of outside validation is really difficult for me. It’s hard for me to see the forest through the trees sometimes.
It’s a challenge to take a step back and look at how far I’ve come, and recognize just how much progress I’ve made, because I’m so focused on the end goal, or I’m so focused on the people around me who are being recognized for their progress while I’m still chugging along in the background, quietly doing my own thing.
But ever since making a conscious effort to occasionally give myself a pat on the back, it’s easier to focus on my own journey and my own achievements without using the lens of other people’s progress.
Pause for a moment of self-reflection
You’re doing your best, and you’re doing great. Even slow progress is still progress.
Keep attacking your goals with perseverance and tenacity.
Use other people’s accomplishments as motivation for you to do better, rather than beating yourself up for not being like them.
You’re in charge of your own story, and you can achieve anything you want — just don’t give up.

