A Year After My Son’s 1st Surgery
One year ago today, my husband and I went through the worst day we’ve had together. It was the day our son went in for his very first, and most outward altering surgery. He was born with a cleft lip and palate, and this was the big surgery that would change his appearance entirely.
When we found out Kae might be born with a cleft lip/palate, we didn’t know what to think. I didn’t have anyone in my family with this type of thing, nor did my husband. We weren’t 100% sure the extent of things, as the ultrasounds never seemed to catch my active man in a chill time. So, we had to wait until he was born, which suited us fine. There was nothing that couldn’t wait until then, as he was healthy in every other way. Kae’s arrival was no different from my other children — he was beautiful, tiny, and precious. We didn’t even see his lip as a problem, nor something to hide. He was gorgeous and we couldn’t wait to share him with the world. This, however, meant when the time came to begin his line of surgeries, it wasn’t a path we were even sure we wanted to continue down on. He was our beautiful son and for us, there was no need to change him. Ultimately, we did understand the surgeries were not for us — they’d be for him and for his future. So we set ourselves aside to do what we hoped would be right for him.
As I sit here and look back on this past year, I’m simultaneously amazed and profoundly reflective. Kae has, of course, come through his facial surgery and subsequent palate surgery with flying colors. What can I say? He’s a trooper. The thing I’m most amazed at is not how well he’s overcome such difficulties right out of the gate, but how much this little being loves life. He’s insatiably curious, crazy funny for a 1 year old, and has zero fear (which, I’ll be honest may not be a good thing for this mother’s heart).
A lot in the landscape of our lives has changed since this surgery, too. Both my husband and I work together from home — which grants us the time to be with him. If I’m honest, it’s probably why he’s so crazy funny and curious. LOL! Our family from the UK has visited, Kae’s brothers from the UK have visited, my children have grown into being big-siblings, and much in my extended family life has healed itself. Yes, a vastly different life from this time last year, for sure. And I truly believe this little angel is the guiding force.
Creatively, I’m still a work-in-progress; stirring the cauldron of ideas and art. I’m stumbling through, trying to find the way that makes my soul cry out in joy. I won’t rest until I find it. Which I hope, will one day pass on to my children. Who knows? Maybe this is also where Kae gets his fearlessness…
As Kae naps peacefully in his crib upstairs, I sit and reflect about how at this very time one year ago, I left my son in the hands of his surgeon, unsure of what the outcome would be for him, but knowing (hoping!) it would ultimately be for the best.
As with anything, once altered, things do not go back to the way they were. My son, of course, looked different, and a new phase of his life began. He’s now been this child for a full year — the one with a repaired lip and who looks like any other toddler. His moment of being a cleft baby for 4 months passed by so quickly. Perhaps, even without him knowing it. But it will always be in my heart.
As the years stack up and pile on, as they tend to, he may never worry or wonder what it was like before this event. He’ll never know how hard it was to feed him, or get him to gain weight. For me and my husband, this day will always be the first time we had to put our heart in the hands of someone else; truly trusting his ability to not only love him for what he already was by keeping him safe — but to help mold him into what we could already see. ❤
