I Punched my Husband Today…
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?
Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?’ — Bonnie Tyler
I punched my husband today…and it felt fantastic. He was in full body gear of course and is kindly learning to hold mitts for me so I can keep fit, blow off some steam and pass the time. There is nothing that feels as good as the exertion of pent up energy into a force that dissipates at the moment of impact. As a bonus, it was a beautiful day to get a decent workout outside in our backyard. I’m very appreciative and I really needed it. The reason for my pent up energy is what I see as a lack of cohesive leadership.
I think my melancholy kind of started while listening to the 80’s on Pandora drinking a little too much wine and noshing on edibles. Childhood memories of tween crushes, air bands, jelly shoes and plastic bracelets filled my mind. Nostalgia for seemingly simpler times perhaps. That quickly gave way to our current predicament: a mounting loss of life, disproportionately so across racial lines, misappropriation of funds, economic collapse, plus unintended consequences that I’m sure will hit us like a ton of bricks shortly. Most importantly, instead of a united front, I live in a country that seems hell bent on tearing itself apart without the verbal discussion of how we got here. Where is the civil discourse, the exchange of ideas?
‘We belong’ (Pat Benatar, I miss you…) lulled me in the background and slid into ‘True Colors’ culminating in a cult favorite…wait for it…Bonnie freakin’ Tyler baby. To paraphrase Bonnie Tyler….’I need a hero’. Wasn't that a great, big hair, dramatic, utterly sexist but true, kind of kick ass power ballad? Shit we need a legion of them. Not power ballads, big hair…I mean heroes.
I realize what I want most is for the leaders of my country to lead. I’m sick of the infighting, the self reinforcing beliefs, the smear campaigns, the echo chambers, the misdirection and distractions. Like an addict needs a hit, we need integrity, honesty and truth. I want truth…. My god my brain is dying without truth. ‘I need a hero’ - it sounds so weak and subservient but I would happily take mine in the form of the impeccable Angela Merkel or Jacinda Ardern. I’m capable of saving myself, my family, a couple of friends. I can feed you, make you laugh, bond with you across just about any cultural barrier and comfort you but I clearly don't have the political charisma, connections or clout to right this ship. I really want my country to be led by someone, or even better, a whole slew of someones, who have all those qualities and intentions. It takes a village to right this ship.
Something feel like it’s dying in me a little. I know I’ll regroup. I always do, but sometimes the exhaustion of ‘it all’ really takes a toll. Maybe I’m feeling a little bewildered by the magnitude of the moment. It’s easy to get lost in the details. I’m sure many people are feeling the same way. I think there has always been a little Pollyanna in me that allows me to perpetually see the good in people. Or at least hope that there is a kernel there and that mutual cooperation is in everyone’s self interest particularly when they have little to no leverage. The logic of that statement should prevail, shouldn't it? But then I open my phone - and amidst all the inspiration, compassion and courage is the deafening roar of the lowest common denominator.
We are all tired. We are all tired. WE. ARE. ALL. TIRED. Like everyone else that back pedals, walks on eggshells and placates overgrown children I’m so soul crushingly disappointed in our ability to look at the big picture. Your party, your race, your sex is of no consequence to me if you lead me justly. Please do that for your people. We will follow you. But you have to be what you represent without any smoke and mirrors. To lead justly is to tell the hard truths, accept culpability, occasionally to be shunned and to bear that burden with grace while asking nothing in return. That’s why we choose you, because you can do things we cannot.
I typically don't look to others for guidance. However in this moment, my risk adverse personality would sorely like to see competence, coherence and structure without the frivolity of spin, misinformation and lengthy soliloquies or mindless unnecessary chatter. Now is the time to be precise in our words and actions. I want to wholly support and feel comforted by our true leaders. Not blindly, but with gratitude and the quiet strength of endurance.
The only soliloquy I want to hear is one read by Patrick Stewart from Shakespeare’s Henry the V on the eve of an imminent battle:
Walking from watch to watch, from tent to tent?
Let him cry, “Praise and glory on his head!”
For forth he goes and visits all his host,
Bids them good morrow with a modest smile,
And calls them brothers, friends, and countrymen.
Upon his royal face there is no note
How dread an army hath enrounded him,
Nor doth he dedicate one jot of color
Unto the weary and all-watchèd night,
But freshly looks and overbears attaint
With cheerful semblance and sweet majesty,
That every wretch, pining and pale before,
Beholding him, plucks comfort from his looks.
A largess universal, like the sun,
His liberal eye doth give to everyone,
Thawing cold fear, that mean and gentle all
I want to call you brothers, friends, countrymen and feel a largess universal like the sun. We need leaders. The world is in dire need of an army of people that collaborate, inspire, and show us our better selves. We need them to delegate, mitigate conflict, make firm decisions and accept the consequences of them with the best interest of our people in mind. Some look to faith or God. I look to our elected officials to ensure the safety of future generations because that’s the social contract I was born into and naively believe in.
The wells of both human compassion and contempt run so deep; sometimes it’s overwhelming. I wept today as a result. As I sought out my husband for comfort I knew there was nothing wrong, just an ache in my soul that acknowledges all the people suffering right now. I was pissed that I’m forced to look at bikini challenges while I had to hear verbal diarrhea about disinfectant and wondered if the state of my ass was of import right now. My beach body is of prime concern to the world and I should plaster my muscled physique on every feed for the comfort of the starving in India, Africa etc...
Is that what a leader should be thinking? I wondered if I were living on the same planet as those whose reality seems warped and callous to me. I waffled between anger and defeat but Bonnie Tyler always gives me hope.
‘Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn
And I dream of what I need’ — Bonnie Tyler
The scope of THIS (arms waving wildly, encompassing all of it) is debilitating at times. As per my usual pill of choice, I sought comfort in art, family, laughter and friends of all forms. Yo-yo Ma’s #songsofcomfort just kind of washed over me a little as I listened to a few longing, soulful pieces. Wu Tong, Julia Bullock, and Brooklyn Duo’s ‘Ave Maria’ opened a tap inside of me that I guess has been filling for sometime. A good cry is cathartic every now and then, particularly in times of uncertainty. That bittersweet feeling, hope mingled with despair and the promise to hold it together for all the people I love. If I have to hold it together for them, can you not hold it together for all of us?
To my tribe, my country and my people, even those who disagree with my point of view: do not react out of fear or frustration, play the long game. It’s in the best interest of your children.
Across the globe, in every institution created for the betterment of mankind, I beseech you, lead us. Could you please lead us in the most lofty, ideal, put you on a pedestal, see your flaws but admire your strength of character, the best of us kind of way? Lead us with the grace, integrity, honesty and thoughtful deliberation that we wish for all those enduring the hardships of this moment. Lead us, we entreat you.
Thanks for reading my shout into the void. I earnestly hope this finds you safe, healthy and happy. And as an alternative to ‘we’re all in this together’, I leave you with this:
‘We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we’ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together’ — Pat Benetar
=======================================
Go forth, break bread: Even alone, wine and a good meal are so satisfying. I promise, I know of what I speak. Grilled nutella and banana is so easy. Try it with cinnamon or raisin bread. Pair it with coffee, Bailey’s, bubbly, whiskey, mimosa’s and enjoy the small things like dragonflies, wildflowers, budding leaves, spring…
My dream soundtrack totally veered in an usual direction; Gym class heroes, The Fighter. I can’t complain it’s a great song.
