Codependency & Relationships
Codependent? That’s not me.
Signs that you may have codependent habits and how to identify them
You may have heard the word “codependent” concerning drug or alcohol enablers, but codependent people come in all shapes and sizes. Codependence is not exclusive to romantic relationships or familial ones. It can also exist between friends or mentors. A codependent person is someone that needs another person, who in turn, needs to be needed; this is the cycle of codependency.
A couple of years ago, I was developing codependent habits without even knowing it.
I worked as a peer mentor for 4 years as an undergraduate student. During training, we received countless lectures on how to avoid being codependent with our students. At the time, I thought I was immune to the topic. After all, I hardly knew the personal details about my students. How could I possibly become codependent? As mentors, we were told to help our students set goals but to avoid getting too invested in their success because, more likely than not, they will fail at some point.
On one Wednesday morning, while working as a mentor, I remember a girl with messy, long brown hair walked in with a handful of forms in her hand. She was on academic probation for failing a few of her classes the previous semester and was required to meet with a mentor every week to improve her grades. She seemed distracted and concerned, so I asked more about how I could help her. She explained to me that she was a homeless veteran struggling with PTSD and living out of her car so that she could save money to buy her books. She had been in and out of college for several years and her only goal was to get her college diploma.
Little did I know that I would meet with her every week for the next 3 years. In that time, she would fail two entire semesters, move into an apartment, get evicted from that same apartment, and get engaged. I found myself getting so invested in both her successes and failures that I had to take a step back.
Maybe I wasn’t so immune to codependence like I had initially thought.
After recognizing how unhealthily invested I was in her life, I changed my perspective. I realized that my job was to provide support as a mentor in any way that I could but to understand that, at the end of the day, the decision was hers to make. She had to overcome her challenges on her own and I couldn’t do that for her.
Although it was a challenging mentor-mentee relationship at times, it was certainly one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Why, you ask? That is because we ran into each other at a coffee shop near the school campus 2 years later. This is where she told me that she finally graduated with her Bachelor’s degree and that I was a crucial component to her success.
So, if you think you might be guilty of having codependent habits, ask yourself the following:
Do you find yourself sacrificing too much of your time for someone else?
This is not the same as helping a friend or neighbor in need. Instead, do you find yourself spending a lot of time concerned about someone else’s issues? Is your productivity negatively impacted by consuming thoughts of someone else? Do you wish you could spend more of your time helping that person instead of focusing on your own needs?
Do you tend to make excuses for the other person when they fail?
All of us tend to be more lenient for those whom we care about. However, we shouldn’t be making excuses for bad behavior or someone’s unreliability. If you find yourself making excuses for someone repeatedly, despite any red flags, you may be developing codependent habits.
Do you only find a sense of purpose or fulfillment by helping that person?
Everyone feels a sense of fulfillment after helping someone in need. But, if the only way you feel a sense of purpose or accomplishment is by helping that person, then you may need to re-evaluate your relationship with them. It is important to set boundaries where your self-worth is not defined by someone else’s actions.
Do you have difficulty saying “no” when that person asks for unreasonable favors?
By agreeing to every favor that person asks for without considering your happiness, you are allowing the other person to take advantage of you. It is important to adhere to your boundaries and not make commitments that make you uncomfortable. You shouldn’t feel obligated to help this person if it is beyond the scope of your practice. Being able to say “no” is an invaluable skill that allows others to know what your boundaries are.
These are a few signs which are indicative of codependent behavior. If you’ve answered “yes” to any of the questions above, don’t shame yourself. Most people have had some form of codependent behavior in their lifetime.
We can’t save the ones we care about from failure every time. We can, however, create healthy boundaries by helping others in need while understanding that the outcome is out of our control.
