Eternal Spring of the Coronavirus Soul and the Birth of the Socially Distant Date In the Park

While we’re grateful it’s not so much worse, the last two months have been hella difficult for single people.

Singleton, I salute you: You’ve stayed healthy by washing your hands and social distancing. You’ve been kicking ass working from home and/or going out every day en masque and rocking out with bad self, all essential-like. You’ve followed all local stay-at-home orders and eat all your sad take out meals in your home, car, or company break room.

You’ve been doing your part to stop the spread of COVID-19 and you are so, so, so, SO thankful you aren’t quarantined with your toxic ex right now, but it’s been two long months since you’ve seen people and you’re just wallowing in your isolationship.

You’re getting lonely and it’s become apparent that your only standing social engagements on your calendar are drive-by birthday parties and daily happy hour on the couch with governers of midwestern states. After your last round of Beers with Beshear and Wines with DeWine, it was a sign: You need human contact again soon.

If you haven’t dipped your sanitizer-soaked toes in the water of online dating in a while, this guide can help you get started. If you’ve already found someone you’d like to fondle but haven’t been able to meet yet, it may be difficult to know how to navigate your first date now that we’ve all got a fucking pandemic to keep in mind.

So if you’re frantically checking your texts with your intended and comparing it with your governer’s latest Coronavirus updates, you’ve come to the inevitable question: When can we possibly meet in person safely and responsibly?

Boom, here it is: your first socially distant first date.

Welcome to 2020. It’s not what we want. But #We’reAllinThisTogether, right? We can do this. With a few adjustments, ‘Rona style:

COVID caveats…

Your first post quarantine date should first and foremost fall in accordance with all current local stay-at-home, quarantine, and lockdown orders. Furthermore, be sure that before you arrange your date that both you and said love interest are reasonably confident that you are both 100 percent healthy. If you aren’t sure, take your temperature at home before leaving for your date. (Whether it’s hot head or cold feet, it’s always okay to cancel if you don’t feel comfortable. Don’t ever feel pressured by someone to go on a date with them.)

One thing a lot of us learned over the past two months is that to remain healthy and sane (whether under quarantine or not), it’s important to get outside once a day to take a walk in a nearby park. Even during some of the strictest lockdowns across the world, doctors still advised that a daily walk in a nearby park is a great way to get exercise and soak in some vitamin D and get out of your house for an hour of self-care and fresh air.

So, as long as it’s allowed where you live, consider asking your socially-distant sweetie (or just a good friend!) to go on a date with you at a local nearby park that you’ve verified is currently open for visitors.

While it’s easy enough to just ask someone out on a date to the park during normal times, I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that we’re now in CoronaTimes (is this trademarked yet?)…. hence, all the fucking rules have changed.

Firstly, you’re going to have to contact your target of affection via text, or social media direct message since it’s no longer safe to scale balconies with roses. (Was it ever?)

When texting your sweetie to ask them out, try not to fuck it up by wasting their time. Here’s a template:

No: “Hey…”

No: “What’s up?”

Yes: “Hi (insert sweetie’s name)! I’d love to finish our conversation about (something you talked about previously) if you’d want to join me and have a socially distant lunch together separately. I’d love to take you on a proper date when it’s safe to do so, but in the meantime, I thought this would be a great way to see each other face-to-face?

I’m headed to (name of park) at (time) tomorrow. I’m grabbing tacos first. I could pick you up tacos too?”

If your date agrees and wants tacos, get excited and advance to the next step. If your date doesn’t want tacos, it’s possible they aren’t fun at all and it’s a red flag. But it’s also possible they just want something else and will come meet you anyway. Be flexible… a thing we’re all learning a lot about these days.

Planning your Socially Distant Date

1. Plan to sit across from one another about 5–7 feet apart, regardless of how much you want to jump their bones. Try not to dress too sexy if you are extremely attractive (and you *are*, we all know it).

2. Apply sunblock liberally because your skin hasn’t felt the sun in forever and you’ll be a tomato if you don’t. You always should, anyway.

3. Ask Mother Nature and Cupid to bless you with a gloriously sunny day. If it’s supposed to rain or be cold, plan for a different day as CoronaTimes makes last-minute dates way too difficult to navigate safely and responsibly. Do not accept “Well, we could meet at my place…” as a solution to a rained-out date if you’re not comfortable with that. Meeting at someone’s house is never a safe or responsible place to meet for a first date.

4. Assuming the sun blesses your date, start by setting up your meal at a picnic table or lay out a large blanket under a tree and make sure you text your date with the specifics of where you are. Plan for some casual conversation while you eat. If you’re the shy type, bring a list of questions for your date to answer. This will help the date move along more naturally once you exhaust the conversations about what a bummer Coronavirus is and how weird Tiger King was…. then look at your watch and wonder how to fill the next forty five minutes since you’ve done absolutely nothing interesting in these past two months.

5. Speaking of time, plan on limiting your date to about an hour. Sadly, CoronaTimes means that you won’t be able to swap spit right away even if your make-out button comes on. So plan for both a meal and a physical activity that can be done within the park, such as walking, bike riding, or kicking around a soccer ball. Easy, tiger. They aren’t going home with you today.

6. Once the date is over, say goodbye in a socially distant and responsible manner to your sweetie and resist the urge to touch them. Catholics: Leave room for the Holy Spirit and what not.

Yep, 2020 *really* fucking sucks but we’ll get through it. The most COVID-friendly thing you can do after your date is to go home separately and masturbate. Perhaps together, via video chat?

Additional Tips:

• Pull up on your motorcycle or old hot rod. Ask your date to go on a cruise down a country road with you after lunch. (This may very well be the socially distant date of my dreams.)
• Go potty before you go. While you should call ahead to verify that the park will be open, the park’s bathroom will likely be closed.
• Make sure to bring everything you need to remain a good park citizen (water, extra bags to clean up trash, hand sanitizer, napkins, forks, a 6-foot measuring tape, etc.).

Again, remember to keep following all local and national advisories when you plan your socially distant date.

Stay safe, stay sane, and stay healthy, everyone!

Gabrielle Dion Visca is a Cincinnati, Ohio journalist who writes about ethical non-monogamy and Instagram for Medium and is the founder and publisher of MedicateOH, a non-profit digital publication for Ohioans who seek answers about their holistic health. You can follow Gabrielle’s latest articles here.