From Undiscovered to Uncovered
A story of sensual self-discovery through modeling in the nude
I once thought myself a rather non-sexual being. A creature who, despite possessing the physical organs that most sexual mammals possess, was rather removed from the passions and pleasures that others found in the act itself. I was disconnected from that aspect of my being.
This didn't so much bother me, nor did I particularly seek to change it. My wiring is a little atypical anyway, I thought. I was and am a tomboy. I seldom aspired to dressing up and looking pretty and even more seldom engaged in conscious attempts to gain the attention of the opposite sex. The opposite sex were always my friends. I did not consider them in a romantic light.
I did date, here and there. Some boys like the "chill tomboy" type and romances would occasionally creep up on me, particularly in university. And I would engage in romantic interactions. Kissing, heavy petting, eventually sex. But I often felt disconnected. I wanted to please my partners, but there was no burning desire for pleasure in myself the way some of my friends described. Sex, in general, felt like a neutral affair, with few exceptions.
In some ways, it was quite odd that I ever started nude modeling. I didn't consider myself feminine or particularly beautiful. I didn't look at my body in that way. In some ways, that also informed my modeling. It became more about making interesting or uncommon images than the typically sensual or beautiful images often seen in boudoir. But I did inform my modeling with dance, and perhaps that's where the transformation started.
It took place over many years. I took part in creative shoots off and on. Sometimes one or two shoots in a year, sometimes more. More and more, I found myself surprised by the beauty in my own photos. Gradually, I realized that my body, while athletic, could also be feminine. But still, I kept these things only in the back of my mind.
Then, at the end of last year, I thought I would stop. I had agreed to one more shoot, this time incorporating pole dance — one of my many performance arts passions. That would be the last, I thought. I was quite wrong.
I loved the photos. I loved them so much that I wanted to share them. I have received photos like that before, but something was different this time. Not only did I want to share them, suddenly I felt brave enough to do so. I found myself, much to my surprise, unafraid of the judgment I might receive for sharing mostly nude images of myself. And so much so that not only did I share these photos, I decided to take all of my photos public. I started a Patreon.
At this point, the realization that I have within me a sensual, feminine identity was still just beginning to solidify. I had pressed her down for many years, feeling safer in the boyish in-between. But now she was emerging, and she was reaching for expression.
In deciding to pursue my own Patreon, I committed myself modeling work more consistently. I had a new frame of mind around it, a new and profound desire to create more and more — not just a passive subject performing a role for the hiring photographer, but as a co-creator with the agency of my own vision.
It was my very next shoot that allowed the feminine of my spirit to emerge fully into the light. She came forth completely unchained in love and creativity. She poured herself out in the movements of my body. In dance, in play, in flirtation. I embraced her fully and she embraced me.
It the aftermath of that shoot, I faced an interesting choice. I had pushed my boundaries farther than I ever had before. I was ready to share my new self-discovery with others, in the chance that they may also benefit from it. I knew that sharing myself in this way would likely cause some push-back. But it seemed to me to discussion of sensuality and sexuality needed a new voice.
So often we hear voices calling for unbridled sexual expression, unbridled support of sex in all facets, as long as its consensual. In opposition, we hear voices of sexual oppression, calling for us to suppress all ideas of sexuality and sensuality in the public sector. But what of sexuality and sensuality when as a part of the whole? A piece of ourselves that needs to be discovered, understood, and nurtured in a productive way, neither giving into destructive impulses nor suppressing into denial? Seldom do we seem to hear these voices for balance.
And so, I thought, let me be one.
I received the push-back I expected, but not nearly so much as I feared. Perhaps there will be more to come. But more than that, I have discovered support. A loving community and loving friends. And most of all, I have committed to supporting and loving myself.
If you would like to know more about my modeling work (and other artistic endeavors) or read more of my musings, you can find me on Patreon at www.patreon.com/jojoatomic.
