I Dated a Trump Supporter. Here’s What I Learned.
As I watched the news of the 2021 storming of the United States Capitol by Trump supporters unfold, I wondered what my ex-boyfriend M, a Trump supporter, would have said in defense of the mob.
Let me preface by saying that many of my friends and family members will be shocked to read this. I didn’t share the fact that the guy I was dating for the last few months was a Trump supporter. My close friends and family know me and my politics well, so I have no doubt they will be confused and concerned as to how I could have dated the guy.
I did, however, share with some of them that we often got into it over political issues. Most reacted pretty optimistically. You can have different views and still make it work — that type of thing.
A few did ask, “Wait, but is he a Trump supporter?” I would give the same answer that he gave me during the majority of our dating experience: “No, no. He’s just more moderate. He’s turned off by politics, all of the extremism, and biased news media. Thinks that both sides have issues.”
That was a more digestible response.
Let me also preface by saying that we broke up. I can’t be 100% sure that it was caused by our very different political views, but I can say with 100% certainty that it played a big role.
So why was I so afraid to tell my friends and family about his political identity? Was it something I should be ashamed of?
I didn’t know he was a Trump supporter at the start. If I did, I probably wouldn’t have continued the relationship. To some, that may sound close-minded, overly judgemental, extreme. To others, it makes a lot of sense.
Knowing what I know now, I think my reaction to flee the scene would have been sensible but would have gone against everything I preach to the middle and high school students that I work with.
We live in a democracy. In a country founded on the principle that people can have differing viewpoints. A two-party political system. And that is OK. I truly believe we all need to be critical thinkers, seek multiple perspectives, and then make our own educated decisions.
But either way, I didn’t know, and so the relationship began.
It all started in May of 2020. Unexpectedly, in the middle of a global pandemic, and pretty strict lockdowns in Los Angeles, I met and developed a relationship with M.
He was Iranian-American like me, which made my parents excited. I was excited about it too; I rarely meet an Iranian-American guy that I vibe with. It also caused things to move faster than usual. We were meeting parents about a month in. Our parents were meeting each other about 2 months in.
On our first date, we kept it pretty light in terms of conversation topics, although heavy stuff was going on around us. It was right around the time that George Floyd had been murdered, and a racial reckoning was about to take off across the country. There was a big election around the corner. And, of course, we were in the middle of a pandemic.
When politics did come up, the only thing he shared was that he was more “moderate” — turned off by the biased media and not really wanting to be at either extreme of the spectrum. “Okay,” I thought, “I can see where he is coming from.” We left it there. And the relationship continued. But the topic of politics and political beliefs would eventually become impossible to avoid.
One of our first biggest fights was around Black Lives Matter. It was the NBA finals, and I was on my way to watch the Lakers game with my brother and a few of his colleagues. I was talking to M on the phone and asked if he was watching the game. He responded that he had turned it on but immediately turned it off when he saw Black Lives Matter plastered on the court. I was shocked.
Why would you turn off basketball because of that? Do you not understand the importance of the cause?
“Sports and politics shouldn’t be mixed,” he said.
Interesting.
“You don’t see Tom Brady wearing a Trump flag on the football field.”
Sounds like something you’d hear on Fox News.
“Well, Black Lives Matter isn’t a political issue; it’s a human rights issue. Trump is a political issue,” I responded.
And we were off. Each side presenting their arguments, each side trying to disprove the other. Why he felt Black Lives Matter was counterproductive. Why I felt that it was necessary.
It got heated. He was a lawyer by training, so arguments with him were tough for me. I am emotional by design, and these are human-centered issues I care about, so I would find myself getting upset and flustered quickly. My argument would typically center around my own personal experiences or understanding of a topic rather than facts and figures. He would call me out on it.
The words “get off your high horse” have been said to me more than once.
This was probably the moment when, in his mind, I went from “cute liberal” to “snowflake.” And this was the moment I knew the relationship would never work.
In hindsight, I should have broken up with him right there. But his argument that I was too emotional and needed to better bring facts and information to the table was valid. When it came to hot-button issues, I would typically watch news stories on TV (usually from the same types of news sources), possibly chat with some close friends (who all have similar views to me), and then take a steadfast position (usually whatever position the Democrats took). As I found out later, he was taking in very different news sources, and talking to people in his circle, who had different viewpoints than mine, so he would have information that I was not aware of. The challenge was I didn’t know if the information he cited was factual or garbage, which seems to be at the center of the problem in our country right now.
Rather than lash out defensively against his viewpoint, which was my original go-to move, I eventually learned to say, “Hmm. I haven’t heard that before. Where did you read that?” Turns out it was usually garbage. But he really got me questioning how I was showing up in conversations on important issues. And I wanted to be better. So we continued.
About two months into the relationship, it became clear that he was not just a moderate who doesn’t really care for politics. He was a Trump sympathizer. He felt for him. He saw that people were unfairly out to get him. Anytime celebrities or late-night hosts would produce anti-Trump content, he would defend him.
“He’s the President of this country at the end of the day, so he deserves respect.”
“He must be a smart guy because he became President of this country.”
Now I’m getting more worried. Is he pro-Trump? Am I missing something?
Definitely more conservative than me in views, yes, but I tried to remind myself of what others had told me, that it could work; we just needed to figure out if our underlying values were aligned.
Well, spoiler alert. Our underlying values were not aligned. And he was a Trump supporter from the get-go.
What I found interesting, though, is that he wasn’t always a Trump supporter or even a Republican.
According to M, he was always very liberal. He loved Obama. His family is full of incredibly gifted scholars and doctors, all of which are staunchly anti-Trump.
What seemed to really shift his perspective was the impeachment, or impeachment attempt, of Donald Trump. He claimed that up until that point, he had followed MSNBC closely. He was glued to Rachel Maddow, waiting to see Trump go down in flames. And then, nothing happened. To him, it established what he had heard, but not necessarily internalized — that the media is biased and out to get Trump, and that he was treated unfairly. I imagine that may have been when he made the switch to Fox News.
In an attempt to beef up my arguments and better understand what information he was receiving, I watched more Fox News these last few months than I had ever watched in my life.
What I saw was literally another planet of people. It blew my mind the different stories covered, the different language used.
M wasn’t wrong about the biased media. If you turn on MSNBC or CNN, the odds are high there will be someone shitting on Trump at that moment, openly and unapologetically. If you turn on Fox News, the odds are high there will be someone shitting on the Democrats, accusing them of being socialists. So depending on which news source you are watching, the information you receive is vastly different. And therefore, your views will likely be vastly different.
I also think echo chambers — geography and who he surrounded himself with — played a role in flipping his political views.
I live in Los Angeles, and he lives in Orange County, which he settled back into a few years ago. Los Angeles is more progressive, with rarely much noise about Trump (except in Beverly Hills). On the other hand, Orange County is much more conservative, which I didn’t fully realize until I began to hang out there more with M as the election neared. Trump flags everywhere. It was uncomfortable and something I was not used to. They seemed to pop up more and more each day between May and November, and he seemed to become more and more comfortable to say positive things about Trump to me as they appeared.
Sometimes I would notice Biden-Harris lawn signs destroyed. Anti-Gavin Newsom t-shirts for sale on the street corners. It became apparent that his community was a safe space for Trump supporters and anti-Democrats to come out with pride (not the good, LGBTQ+ kind of pride). And he began to do so more and more with me.
The disconnect between us became extremely evident during our first post-Presidential debate debrief, which took place before he had officially expressed his Pro-Trumpiness.
I anticipated we would discuss what a trainwreck it was, particularly Trump’s inability to let Biden speak. From his perspective, he felt like Trump did a great job, and yeah, he could have interrupted him a little less, but Biden is a liar and was so rude when he told Trump to shut up and called him a clown.
Woah. Were we watching the same thing?
That night was the first time I asked him openly and directly, “M, are you a Trump supporter?”
His response didn’t necessarily surprise me. His viewpoints were clearly more conservative rather than moderate, especially compared to mine. But I never imagined he would openly say yes.
Did he not understand all of the things that come with being a Trump supporter? Is this guy a racist, a homophobe, an asshole?
After the second Presidential debate, we had our nightly phone call, and I had spent the majority of the debate thinking about how to approach that conversation. After all, we are two smart people who could work together to seek out the truth rather than argue about which candidate is lying more (although it was clear to me which candidate was).
Rather than arguing about which candidate won or did better, which was where the conversation began, I suggested that we have a constructive debate of our own. We could take the pieces that we think are up for debate, do the research, then come back to the table with the sources and discuss. I thought it was genius! He didn’t respond well to that idea. Somehow I came off as condescending.
At that point, the relationship was already done in my mind. It was hard to fall in love with someone who felt like my adversary. And maybe it would have been different if some other non-politically related conditions were also in place. Still, I think our inability to see eye to eye on so many issues would only exacerbate in the future.
I was unsure how to end it amicably, particularly with someone I feared would need hard evidence for why it is over and who would accuse me of being a hypocritical liberal if I broke up with him just because of politics.
It also didn’t help that I hate conflict. I tend to avoid it and this relationship underscored that. This experience taught me the need to overcome that, which is a lesson I will forever be grateful for.
Conflict is okay. Disagreements are okay. They are even healthy, especially when approached with respect and good intentions.
Our democracy depends on our ability to hear each other’s viewpoints, even if we don’t like them or we think they are unequivocally wrong, because, without this, we run the risk of being more divided. We run the risk of hating each other. Emotions are okay because these are human issues, but they can’t be the argument itself.
I think this is part of the reason I stayed in the relationship for so long. I wanted to believe that I could be in a relationship with someone with such a different viewpoint than me. I could still love someone for who they are as a person, even if we disagree on politics.
In some way, it could show that our country could be united, even with the division.
But what was the real issue? Was it about disagreeing on political issues, or was it about being a Trump supporter? This relationship truly challenged me to move beyond my assumption that the title “Trump Supporter” is synonymous with racist, homophobe, misogynist, etc.
Can you be a Trump supporter and a good person? I have numerous friends and family that believe it is not possible to be both. They believe if you support Trump, it is a true red flag on your character.
I didn’t want to succumb to that thinking because it would mean that 74+ million people in this country are bad. And if that’s the case, then I’m not sure there is any hope. So, I found myself constantly evaluating everything that came out of his mouth.
Based on the few months we were together, I came to some conclusions about what I think he is, if not a bad person.
I think he is a son of immigrants that worked really hard to get to where they are now. Therefore, his economic views rely on the belief that we live in a meritocracy; if you work hard in this country, you will be successful. And this has direct ties to his attitudes towards race — he subscribes to the colorblind mentality, the belief we put too much emphasis on race.
I think he has more traditional views on men and women’s roles. This stems partly from his cultural upbringing and partly from his teenage years where he didn’t get much attention from girls and now looks like a super jacked Wolverine.
I think he has difficulty processing and displaying his emotions due to unfortunate childhood experiences. Because he chooses to ignore his trauma and instead believes he is a strong, successful man (rather than get the therapy he needs), he sees others as too sensitive and playing the victim.
And I think Trump speaks directly to these people.
But is he a bad person? No, I don’t think he is. I think he is a product of his life experiences and the people around him that have shaped how he views the world. They are legitimate views; the views of many in this country. But they were not my views.
Looking back now, M was definitely a Trump supporter from the beginning.
So why did he feel the need to lie about it? And why did I feel the need to hide it from my friends and family?
It makes me wonder if we’ve gotten to a point where we are too quick to dismiss the other side.
M knew that there was a high chance I would not be a Trump supporter, that I probably was anti-Trump. He knew that if he shared that information with me, I probably would not have continued to date him. I knew if I shared his support for Trump with my friends and family, they would be shocked and probably disappointed in me.
But is that the world we want to live in? A world where you can’t share your beliefs or political preferences with somebody without fear of rejection or dismissal? A world where we don’t take the time to seek understanding, and potentially even find common ground?
However, at this point (January 7, 2021), I think it has become clearer than ever that there is something about being a Trump supporter that cannot be overlooked…
A line has to be drawn somewhere.
In my opinion, Trump has crossed it. Many times. Without remorse. He has ultimately put Americans in danger with his rhetoric. And I truly believe we have hit a point where people need to decide whether they want to be on the right side of history.
But what do we do about the possible 74+ million people that voted for him and haven’t yet come to this realization?
74+ million.
Maybe some of them reluctantly did so; maybe some are truly racist, homophobic, misogynistic people.
For the sake of this country’s path forward, I have to believe that a lot of them are anti-Biden Republicans that felt like they had no other option.
Does that excuse their role in where our country is now? No. But should we try to hear them out? I think so. Am I too understanding? Maybe.
So did we break up because he was a Trump supporter? No, I don’t think that was the only cause. There were other issues at hand that you can probably gauge just from reading this.
But did it color the way I viewed him? Absolutely. Was that fair? I’m not sure.
What I do know is that through it all, I pushed myself to look beyond my assumptions, initial gut reactions, and I tried to find some common ground. I tried to understand the complex human behind the label. I tried to ask questions and engage in dialogue.
But at the end of the day, our values were not in sync. And that’s okay. It’s okay to choose a life partner based on your values. But how do we relate to our fellow countrymen and women we are not in intimate relationships with?
It makes me wonder if our values as a country will ever be in sync. I joke with close friends that maybe it’s time for the US to split into two. If you believe in X things, go this way. And if you believe in Y things, go that way.
But splitting up the country would go against everything this country stands for and everything people have been fighting for.
It would mean the great democratic experiment of bringing people from all walks of life together in one country has failed.
So, what’s the solution? How can we rebuild our democracy?
I think it requires us to actively listen to one another, even if we don’t like what we hear.
I think it requires us to independently investigate to find the truth and create more opportunities to come together to discuss the information.
I think it requires us to exercise our empathy muscles with one another, even when it feels like the other person is from a completely different planet.
And then maybe the hardest to do…
I think it requires us to love each other, even if we don’t really like each other.
