I Just Can’t Get High Anymore
Honestly…I Just Can’t…
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No, this isn’t some public lamenting, some praise for a better life on the other side, where the grass is always greener, but only because I’m not the one who has to mow it — this isn’t a public confession that I’m through and I’m quitting for good. The truth is, I quit mind-altering substances a long, long time ago…but still, I just can’t do it anymore.
Even the mere smell of liquor, the sort-of revolting (even when I drank it) feeling that shivers inside of you, it feels like a rumbling, quivering stomach vibration at the smell of liquor — I always knew alcohol was bad for me, but I drank it anyway, looking for a little adventure, a little thrill, a little wildness, and perhaps a little sex — or violence. That’s what it always was, when alcohol was involved, whenever humans congregate and drink, eventually, given enough time, everything is reduced to the most primitive aspects of our existence, and sex or violence — or both — come to the forefront.
Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve been under the influence, the mere thought of the feelings of being high, the paranoia, the anxiety (and I don’t experience anxiety sober), the uneasy feeling of being incapable, stupid, twitchy, nervous, or of saying the wrong thing — all of it is just so old and, well, frankly…exhausting.
I spent years battling alcoholism and spotty drug use. Surprisingly, drugs were always something I could sort of take with impunity, especially opiates, while watching my friends become ravaged by the lurking opioid epidemic which was slowly closing its firm, greedy grip on America. Meanwhile, I could take them here and there, as-needed for medical conditions, and always put them back down. Alcohol, on the other hand, was my worst enemy — or to put it in more accurate terms, I was always my own worst enemy when I imbibed alcohol.
Simply remembering this sends shivers up my spine and it’s all for the better. Simply imagining that I’m consuming such substances activates a dark place in my neurons that scream out to me, “This would be disastrous.”
The arrests (usually for nothing more than trash-talking the police until they took me in and later released me after a day or two in jail), the chaos, the destroyed relationships and friendships from misunderstandings, not showing up when and where I was expected to be, the agonizing sense of discontent within me — all of this is just something I’ll likely never want to experience again, something I never want to experience. And why would I?
A friend of mine once asked me what the difference between religion and spirituality is, following his question up with the answer, “Religion is for people who believe in Hell; spirituality is for people who’ve already been there.” While this is a very cliche-like statement, I actually tend to agree, that Hell got tiring, and Hell, for both of us, meant the perils of addiction and substance abuse.
My life is unbelievably peaceful today. I sit now, writing this story, listening Stardust by Sonny Stitt, slow Bebop Jazz rhythms, cuddling with my dog whom I can take care of and cuddle anytime I want — once upon a time owning a pet was unthinkable, because, well, I mean…what if I wanted to drink for six days straight, who the hell would feed the dog?!
Alas, life is about growth, otherwise, we’re doing it wrong. I’m able to study many subjects daily, from philosophy and cutting-edge science to the Latin, Greek, German, and Russian languages. These may sound boring to some, but they’re way more interesting than what I was doing…
I have to ask myself, “What’s wrong with this present moment?” Mindfulness, of some sort, is necessary for both sobriety and human health. Had you asked me that question years ago, with all conditions being equal, I’d have likely spouted off a slew of complaints that are wrong with the present moment. The music wasn’t exciting enough, my dog is cute and all, but I had places to be, I had to look important, damn it! Tranquility and inner-peace are the rewards for our hard work and abstinence from the substances which are deleterious to our lives.
Looking back to those exhausting times, I didn’t get much done. I think plenty of other addicts, former-addicts, and casual users can relate, that most of the time spent high or drunk is literally just sitting and talking about nothing at all important, if we’re even talking at all. There might be the occasional wild night out, which usually ends in drama, but on a whole, most of it is just a whole lot of waiting — waiting for some stimulation, stimulation that never comes except in all the wrong ways. It’s like we’re in love with the anticipation of events, even if the events we anticipate will never come, at least not in the ways we intended. We intend to live like rockstars and early in our drinking and using careers, we tend to be wild, fun, outgoing, and social, but give it some time, and many of us end up alone, isolated, afraid, sometimes delirious, sometimes delusional, sometimes completely psychotic, and almost always in excruciating emotional pain…pain because we’re exhausted.
In all honesty, getting high and drunk was like a constant flux between having an emergency and waiting for an emergency. It was either full-throttle, sheer panic, fear, confusion, and pain, or it was waiting for a brief little window of fun before another bout of panic, fear, confusion, and pain. It was a constant emotional roller-coaster caused by myself, one that I blamed on outside circumstances as if that’s the way life really was for everybody. No doubt, everyone else can see through our charades, except those who are playing the same game of denial as we are. I tended to put people into “good” and “bad” camps, where “good” people were the people who would lie to me and support my belief in my own lies, and “bad” people were the people who’d call me out on it. Dysfunction doesn’t tolerate functional people for very long, and vice versa. The only way to sustain dysfunction, in my view, is to immerse yourself in it so heavily that it’s the only world you know.
Then there is the inverse of this; these days, I have a hard time being around people who are obnoxious drunks or people who get high and cause a ruckus, and this includes myself. This is what I mean when I say that I just can’t get high, anymore. My tolerance has changed. It’s not that people who drink or use drugs are “bad” but it’s that there are more likely to be problematic behaviors out of that camp than the non-users. I just can’t deal with the insanity and problems that everyone’s trying to escape, anymore.
If you, too, have grown past all of this, you probably don’t need me to tell you how much better it is on the other side. But, if you are like I was, I ask you to reflect on these experiences and see if they sound the least bit familiar. If they do, perhaps reach out with an open mind, open ear, and open heart to other people who are doing things vastly different from you. This doesn’t necessarily mean AA, I don’t go to AA or NA (though don’t rule it out), I just finally got tired of doing what I was doing and chose a better life, but it’s pertinent that we do this around people who are healthy and living the kinds of lives that we can emulate. Then, once we get it, we can never go back comfortably and it’s a blessing beyond my wildest dreams…and it’s yours for the taking, should you so choose.
Lastly, stick with those who love you, is what I suggest. That’s what I did. That can be hard to discern, but people who love you tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. People who love you don’t always make you feel good, but they always support you, the difference is subtle but important. To those of you who don’t have any people who love you left (just keeping it real, here) I suggest you go find some. This world is full of love; we just convince ourselves that it’s not. To those who love me, thank you for everything.
