Premature ejaculation isn’t exactly a condition that many men are willing to admit that they’d like to be rid of. We all know the feeling, whether we suffer from PE or not, when we’re ready for some great sex with an amazing partner, only to have all the build-up, all the wait, all the excitement, all the beautiful anticipation, smothered like a fire painfully quickly, as if someone had poured a tub of water on our open flames of romance. It’s definitely not a fun event to experience once, let alone all the time. Yes, I’m going to go there, I’m going to talk about this painful issue that so many men face, yet, so few talk about.
When I was younger, I experienced it a lot, especially in my teenage years and early 20s, when my staying power was a bit of a hit or a miss. Sometimes, I felt like a demigod and was very capable in bed, while others, something inside of me felt meek, powerless, and impotent, even if I could achieve an erection.
If you’re out there and you’re sad, ashamed, or afraid of being judged, trust me on this one, if there’s one person who can deeply empathize with that nightmarish and ugly pain, it’s me…I’ve been there and stayed there for far too long…and I can assure you that it can get better if you work for it.
I’ll be honest, I often turned to alcohol before sexual encounters to assure that my nerves were numbed and my central nervous system suppressed; a bad sexual encounter was, at least in my mind, a guarantee that no additional encounters would take place. I’m going to assume if you’re reading this that you’re with me, here, in these beliefs, the belief that maybe, just maybe, women didn’t appreciate waiting all day to start preparing for a date, answering texts, getting prepared, doing their hair, picking the perfect outfit, and sitting uncomfortably and nervously through a date, only to have all of their efforts shattered when it came to the sex at the end that lasted about 13 seconds. Nobody wants this. Not the men, not the women — nobody.
But, alcohol wasn’t the way to go. Alcohol caused a lot of problems in my life and has done so for others. When I was dry and not drinking I sometimes, out of desperation, turned to Tylenol and other drugs in hopes of finding an answer. Nothing really provided what I was looking for. If you’re like I was, read on, because I’ve found some solutions that worked for me and they may work for you also.
At some point in my mid-20s, I remembered a book that I’d found at my father’s house when I was around 8-years-old. I read the book, actually, titled The Multi-Orgasmic Man, but the content was obviously far outside of the realm of anything I could comprehend. I just remember wanting to be an adult already and thinking it would somehow help me. Remembering back to this book, I decided to go out and purchase it almost two decades later. What I opened up when I peeled back the cover of the book was a world of anatomy, practice, and even spirituality, a book that would bring me closer to myself.
Not only did I learn about my own body but I learned to love my own body. At first, it’s kind of weird looking at illustrations of solo-male sex practices, if you’re a heterosexual male like myself, that’s something you don’t usually see. Male sex is often kept pretty hush-hush in our culture, whereby contrast, female sexuality is everywhere, male sexuality being a sexuality-by-proxy whereby men are defined by their ability to commodify female sexuality. I strongly disagree with this paradigm and think that the prevalence of premature ejaculation among men is entirely a consequence of our culture.
The first step in breaking this problem that I was suffering from — and let’s face it, it is suffering — came from accepting my own sexuality, flawed and all. The book gave me steps that I could take, exercises that I could practice, and a path to work on that wasn’t a quick-fix, in order that I could better myself and someday become successful. Well, I’ve become successful now and I’m here to pass on that knowledge to those who are tired of living with this desperation and sense of shame that I lived with for many years.
Here are some steps you can take right now to work on your staying power over time, and, with a little practice, I can assure you that you’ll obtain greater control over your sexual prowess and with a little dedication, become the sex partner you’ve always wanted to be.
- First thing’s first, lowering your stress and anxiety is an absolute must. Stress, tension, anxiety, and a heightened, stimulated nervous system are all rather deleterious for the man trying to last longer in bed. Do what you can, I understand that we all can’t just quit our high-stress jobs tomorrow, but eliminating small stressors (including people who only seem to add stress to your life and never bring any value) is a big step in the right direction.
- Caffeine is not your friend. Caffeine, nicotine, and other stimulants excite the nervous system, making you more vulnerable to sensations and making your mind more susceptible to the pre-orgasmic rush. That said, many of the practices mentioned in my story The Men’s Guide to Multiple Orgasms (below at the bottom of this story) will aid in helping you to last longer in bed as well — they did for me, and they are as follows…
- Pelvic floor muscle exercises simply cannot be ignored. They can give you some amazing flexibility and control in that region of the body. To do these exercises, you want to flex the Kegel muscle group, also called Kegel Exercises…more on this can be found here. It’s basically the same muscle group that you use when you’re trying not to urinate.
- During sex and solo sex, when you feel you’re approaching the ejaculatory event horizon, STOP. This is how you train yourself to do something powerful, which is separate the act of sex (including orgasm) from ejaculation, both in your mind and muscles. The more you practice this, as anticlimactic as it may be, the better you’ll get at it, and after a while, you won’t need to practice anymore. I’m not going to lie to you, this takes some time, but it’s very much worth it. This is where the bulk of the mastery comes from, training our physical bodies to respond to our conscious muscle contractions and mental efforts.
- Daydreaming is good for you, something I discussed at length in my story How Daydreaming Can Improve Your Overall Health, which can be found here, and it can actually help you in your process to becoming multi-orgasmic. Don’t watch TV, don’t get absorbed into something, just let your mind wander…take a walk in nature, even if it’s just around the block. Do something that allows your mind to just run freely somewhere in the depths of your own imagination.
- Last, but definitely not least, honesty is extremely important. Rather than going into sexual encounters stressing and worrying about our performance, wouldn’t it be better to be honest with our partners and say, “Hey, sometimes I have an issue with this…I just felt that it was best to be prudent and up-front about it and let you know, it happens sometimes, sometimes not, but I just wanted to let you know and let you make the decision what you want to do.” Guys, I’m telling you, if there’s one way to make a woman really like you, this kind of honesty right out the gate is the way to go, supposing you’ve gotten to that point where it’s not uncomfortable to have this discussion — when you’re on a sexual level.
All in all, I understand your pain. I feel it, I feel it and remember it like it was yesterday. It was the worst holding all of that shame, fear, and embarrassment in, never knowing how my relationships were going to turn out or how I was going to perform — and most of all, whether or not I would be accepted if I wasn’t that great. This is no way to live. So, I highly suggest attempting to push yourself, understanding it won’t change overnight, but that once we start being honest about our situation, we’ll find that not only are most people extremely accommodating of minor issues like this, but that the issues themselves begin to go away as we release the pressure we put on ourselves over them. Good luck. For those interested, the book that I read as a child and then again as an adult, The Multi-Orgasmic Man, can be found here on Amazon, and I can say with the utmost sincerity that it absolutely changed my life. Here’s another story for you to enjoy.
Disclosure: This story contains affiliate links through which I may make a small commission for The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know, though I know that if you’ve made it this far, the book is likely to help you as much as it helped me. Good luck.