My Polyamory Doesn’t Invalidate Your Monogamy
Please Show Me The Same Respect
--
I hate to be the bearer of bad news for some, but there isn’t a competition in styles and expressions of love — love is love, and how we love is and will always remain as variable as there are individuals.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, great, I hope you’re happy and enjoying the fruits of your romantic life to the fullest; I believe that people should do what makes them happy, not what’s popular or what they heard was right from someone else.
Since I’ve begun my quest into non-monogamy, I’ve more often than not received criticism, often from perfect strangers or acquaintances, people who don’t know the inner-workings of my life, who feel the need to actually go out of their way to tell me why polyamory is bad, “unnatural,” or will lead to unhappiness and pain in the end. The conversation usually goes as follows:
- Me: Polyamory is great, I personally could never go back to monogamy, and here’s Why I could Never Go Back to Monogamy. This is what I prefer, but if you’re happy with monogamy, stick with it.
- Critic: Well, what you’re doing is unnatural! People aren’t designed to care about more than one person on a romantic level. People always get jealous and will start to control you. Monogamy is the way to go.
- Me: I’ve tried monogamy, and I’ve had some great relationships, but this dynamic is different in a way that’s truly fulfilling and rewarding beyond anything I’ve ever had with a monogamous relationship. There are reasons for this. But if you’re happy with monogamy, stick with it, people are different and different dynamics suit different people differently.
- Critic: There’s no way you can be happy — or you just haven’t experienced the dark side yet, when you lose control and your partner is just sleeping with everyone — or they start to control you out of fear or jealousy. It’s complicated, it’s dangerous. (Yes, just today, someone who barely knows me told me that my relationship is “dangerous”) You’ll see. You’ll learn. Monogamy is the only way to be.
- Me: Are you saying that I’m lying to you?
- Critic: Well, I think you aren’t telling the whole story and you’re covering things up…
You can see where this leads into an endless discussion whereby they basically choose to impute what seems to be their unhappiness onto everyone else. I’m not sure if it’s envy, fear of the unknown, or something else altogether, but I do know one thing, that my polyamory doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s monogamy…or at least it shouldn’t.
It should be interesting to note, here, that whenever pressed about why these kinds of critics of non-monogamy believe what they believe, the central issue always turns out to be control — or a lack thereof. This shouldn’t come as a surprise.
I know that I can be happy differently than others can be happy, and as long as the things that make me happy aren’t infringing upon their happiness, there shouldn’t be an issue. This same debate was once had about gay marriage, when people proclaimed that legalizing homosexual marriage would “destroy the family unit,” and plenty of other inflated fears which were spewed by heterosexuals who truly and sincerely believed that homosexual marriages would somehow devalue or cheapen their heterosexual marriages and that the two could not exist side-by-side.
Those people were wrong. Gay marriage has been legal for a long time now, and the family unit has not been destroyed, nor has the institution of heterosexual marriage. I believe that polyamory will someday go the same way, both in legality and social acceptance.
Now we poly people are dealing with the same rhetoric…
In the first six months leading up to my relationship, one which is current and long-lasting, literally, all but three of my friends tried to convince me of the “dangers” of polyamory, dangers which had no basis in their experiences as monogamous people.
Not one had been in a polyamorous situation from which to draw their knowledge, they just guessed — I don’t fault them for this, it’s very natural for people to be both concerned for their friends and afraid of the unknown, which is exactly why I feel the need to write this piece.
Relationship types aren’t an either/or type situation, what works for some people won’t work for others…and that’s perfectly okay. Relationships are an individual enterprise where two individuals united in order that they may achieve common goals, no standard equation will work for everyone.
It should be said that not all poly relationships are great and not all monogamous relationships are bad, both can be completely wonderful experiences or hellish nightmares, depending on the people involved.
Polyamory can lead to an extremely rewarding and fulfilling life if it’s done right. It’s important that people understand this.
This is something I really wish people would understand, and a big part of why I discuss my polyamorous relationship and the true and genuine happiness that it brings so often, because it’s important for people to know that, for some people at least, polyamory does not equal complications, “danger,” or pain. Like anything else that involves fallible people, it can be done rightly or wrongly.
Polyamory won’t cure your personal problems, your relationship hangups, and it’s not for everyone, I’ve discussed that at length here in my story titled Things to Consider Before Trying Polyamory.
I will add, however, that in my experience, polyamory provides less of an atmosphere for abuse, coercion, and other downsides; the downside to this is that if someone isn’t interested in or ready for a poly-anything, and they try it (to appease a partner, for instance) they’re likely to end up with some hurt.
One of the most interesting aspects, for me, of living a long-term polyamorous relationship, one which fosters multiple deep, caring, loving, emotional connections with multiple people, is that there is always an additional set of eyes watching; this curbs the power struggle in my experiences with poly.
The fact is, I think that people are less likely to try malicious behaviors if they know someone else is watching, and for me, polyamory has provided this type of atmosphere, though it may not always…and in no way do my preferences for these perceived differences invalidate monogamy.
I also find it interesting that the same people who wish to stifle, degrade, dismiss, or otherwise deflate my polyamory, writing it off as mere lies and unhappiness as if there is some sort of competition between polyamory and monogamy — there’s not — are obviously attempting to control we poly people’s world and lives, by invalidating our happiness and closing their minds off to that happiness in love, going so far as to tell us that we can’t really be happy with our poly love and must be making up a fictional happiness that doesn’t exist, and this is precisely the type of controlling behavior many people are trying to escape from when they choose non-monogamy.
It’s no surprise that those who want to tell other people how to be happy in love, can’t understand our polyamorous version of happiness in love, which is predicated upon a categorical rejection of controlling the love lives of other people.
Our freedom to love is perceived by them as a direct challenge to their desire to control how other people love.
Not always, but much of the time we seek to engage with other like-minded and open-minded persons who’ve chosen a liberal attitude towards relationships and sex as one of their most treasured virtues. In short, we do this in the hopes of finding people who will be flexible about our expressions of love.
The thing is, I want my girlfriend to be free to choose her own life and destiny with me, and I won’t tell her that her ideas are nonsensical dreams or unrealistic. Polyamorous people are often seeking less control, not more, as is the nature of pluralism.
As for our so-called (accused) unhappiness, sure, everyone has anxieties, fears, worries, but the fact is, in my situation, we’re all truly, genuinely happy, and we’re even happier because there are three of us instead of two.
There are two sets of ears to listen to whatever pains we may go through, there are two sets of ideas rather than one when we need advice, there are group discussions which take place outside of the one-on-one, and everyone is respectful, patient, supportive, understanding, and kind. We’re all in love and deeply care for one another and it’s a beautiful thing.
I’m here to tell you right here, right now, that polyamory can lead to an extremely rewarding and fulfilling life, if it’s done correctly, with respect, with love and compassion, with care and understanding.
…and that doesn’t invalidate monogamy in any way. If your attitude towards ideas like love and happiness means that me being happy somehow takes away from your happiness, I hate to be the one to tell you, that this is no happiness at all — one of the reasons I love my polyamorous trio is the shared love.
Polyamory and monogamy are different things, they have different feelings, different aspects, quirks, kinks, and nuances, all of which can be valuable or toxic, but the values of one don’t ever diminish the values of the other.
© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved
