The big day for lovers is coming up, a day when we either profess our attraction to an unknowing partner, or show the person we share I lives with most what they mean to us, through overtures of affection, gifts, chocolate, flowers, perhaps a card, and most of all setting aside some quality time for a bit of conversation and intimacy. Valentine’s Day is upon us.
This year in my world, the combination of loving and co-habitating polyamorously has presented a fun and wonderful challenge to figure out, and though it’s simple and small enough — it’s meaningful.
The other night I received a text message, “Hey. V-Day is coming up. Would you like to do something with the special lady? I could clear out for part of the night and see a movie so you two could go out, or cook dinner in, and have more of the house to yourselves,” said my girlfriend’s husband.
It was Just Another Day in the Life of a Polyamorous Relationship. Our dynamic is very fun, open, and free between the three of us, but we’re all very welcoming and inclusive people — and it’s my belief, that this is why we work so well. We share.
And sharing is an important part of our relationships, even in two-party monogamous relationships, a fundamental tenet of what it means to engage another human being and consider them. Honestly, there is joy in sharing, and that joy is shared. When we share, we derive joy from the act of sharing, and that joy is shared in the act of sharing itself — this creates a closed-system of enjoyment for all parties involved, and I truly believe that selfishness is the root cause of many of our deepest pains, because selfishness is isolation.
I thought about his text for a minute before I replied, “Maybe we can all do something together and get into something interesting.”
The lack of possessiveness, the inclusiveness, the welcoming nature of our trio were all quite palpable in that moment.
The fact is, every party involved willingly shares with the other parties, and there’s beauty in that. Do we really care for someone if we don’t consider them in everything we do? Being unable or unwilling to share certainly is a joyless existence.
I find it deeply moving, and strikingly interesting, that both he and I were on the exact same page at the exact same time: do I need to give the other parties space to have some time to themselves? We thought of each other, one another’s needs, one another’s wants and desires — in short, we thought of one another’s humanity.
Interestingly, when asked about it, we both drew the same conclusion, that the three of us hanging out, turning on a movie, and a homemade dinner would be the best Valentine’s Day we could ask for. It means a lot to be invited into a previously-existing relationship, it means just as much to be a part of something where no person is left out, and important moments aren’t hoarded like they’re some finite quality — each of us knows we’ll have the others around for a long time, and there will be many more holidays ahead to celebrate.
So what will you be doing this Valentine’s Day? Whatever it may be, I hope it involves sharing in the richness of caring, bonding, and love that you have in your life…that’s what we’ll be basking in.
© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved