Why “Just Be Yourself” is Bad Life Advice
How to Better Support Your Friends with Low Confidence and Social Anxiety
We’ve all been there… You confessed to seeing someone you like or something that you want.
Perhaps you like a woman or a career opportunity. Perhaps you want a job, to nail an interview, or simply the chance to feel cool at an upcoming party.
The point is that you want something or someone to like you and it’s a thought that has taken permanent residence within your head.
The thought is so persistent that it begins to loom over anything else you could imagine; and therefore, you naturally confess your new prioritized thought to your friends.
It’s safe to assume that your friends want you to do well and they want you to be at peace, but people with the best intentions don’t always say the right things. In this case, telling you to just be yourself is not the right thing to say, and here’s why.
People Aren’t Always Self-Aware
Consider the “Tell me about yourself” question during a job interview and how difficult it can be to answer. Half the struggle is figuring out where to start while the other half is figuring out how to articulately relay what you say to the person you are speaking with.
The benefit you get from answering the “Tell me about yourself” question during a job interview is that the framework is easy to recognize.
It is a job interview after all, and the goal is to show the interviewer how you are the most qualified candidate for the position. But in the social world things get trickier.
The social world isn’t a job interview: it’s a series of moments with various vantage points where people get a glimpse of what we appear to be. Neither appearances nor vantage points tell someone’s full story of someone’s being; therefore, the observer is left to piece together what they can with imperfect information.
People observe others differently because everyone has a unique story that instigates distinct biases, so when it comes to making your best impression, it’s not necessarily about what you say, but rather how you make someone else feel.
Did they feel comfortable, excited, inspired, amused, or supported? Strangers or not, the only way to make these things happen for anyone is to know yourself and the habits you exude… But even this is just one-third of the battle.
People Don’t Always Like Themselves
Anxiety can go beyond nerves. Sometimes the anxiety that people feel stems from self-loathing. People who self-loathe may say things like, “I’m fat” or “I dressed like shit today” or “I’m such a mess.”
The unfortunate truth about self-loathing is that the criticism we hear someone give themselves is likely far worse in that person’s head.
The result is hesitation or disapproval of a constructive plan that can lead to what that person desires. Someone may decide that it’s no use to approach a woman they like or go through the interview process for a job that they covet because they are simply not good enough.
They see no point in trying because disappointment is inevitable. A friend or a family member can give all the support that they want, but support will fall on deaf ears when a person doesn’t see how positive insight relates to themselves.
People Don’t Always Know How to Be the Best Versions of Themselves
People all around the world struggle with confidence, identity, happiness, and so much more which makes life’s challenges harder to overcome.
Life is chaotic, and the question that we are all looking to answer for ourselves is who we want to be in the face of chaos. Forming that self-image is a hard thing to do, and putting it into practice is even harder.
For starters, it takes a series of routines that need to be practiced with the intent of accountability over time. Things like making sure you shave or groom yourself every night before you go to bed could lead to newfound confidence, as could a daily physical routine.
One of the most effective tools against chaos is accountability, and the best version of yourself is accountable for how you feel and how you look every day.
Then, it requires that you commit yourself to seeking healthy and constructive ways of having fun outside of life’s mundane moments. There aren’t many things in life more refreshing than trying something unique or finally attempting something that you’ve wanted to do for some time.
If you find yourself becoming frustrated with the state of events in your life, try a dance class for the first time, learn a new language, or travel to a place that continues to appear on your laptop as a screen saver. Start checking things off of your bucket list and make this a recurring part of your life.
Finally, treat yourself for all of your hard work. Maybe you just crushed it in a big client pitch, or you stuck with your fitness routine for over a month; either way, don’t forget that what you did was difficult, and who better to reward yourself than you? Buy yourself dinner or a new watch, but whatever you do just make sure that it’s out of the ordinary.
We know you mean well, but blind support in the form of a phrase like “Just be yourself” isn’t always helpful or constructive.
If someone is nervous and confides in you, the best thing to do is figure out why that is the case. Learning the reasons for someone’s fear opens the door to a mutual conversation that can deliver real solutions rather than a one-size-fits-all remedy.
Be a supportive friend by first lending your ear. Nothing that you say or do matters if the person in need is oblivious or resistant to assistance. Healthy assurance only comes from within and it's a journey where each of us finds ourselves in.
And, if you find yourself in a position where you really don’t know what to say or how to help then suggest therapy as a solution to help your loved ones get on the path of better mental health.
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