Photo by Simon Migaj

What 10 Years Without Sex and Relationships is Like

Why I’m Meant to Be Alone, and Why That’s Okay


Yes, you read that title correctly. But to put it more precisely, nearly 10 years without sex and nearly 11 years without being in a romantic relationship. I have still dated a few times in this period, though incredibly infrequently; If I’m remembering correctly, the last date I went on was about 4 years ago. At this point, I can already hear the sound of your jaw hitting the floor through my computer monitor.

“How could anyone be without intimacy for that long? WHY would anybody be without intimacy for that long?” My reply to these two questions is typically, “It isn’t as difficult to do as you might think — and I am meant to be alone.” What reasons could I possibly have for saying that I am destined for a life of celibacy and solitude? Well, I’m glad you asked because I have plenty of them.

For those of you who have read my other works will know that I am on the autism spectrum. For those of you who didn’t know, guess what, I am on the autism spectrum. Asperger Syndrome, to be exact. Though I’m what’s considered “higher functioning,” my life as a spectral person has not been without its quirks —quirks which have benefitted me, for sure, but also quirks which have made my life more difficult.

My near-perpetual lack of a sex life is a neutral quirk.

Sexuality is not linear and I am blessed with being somewhere between straight and asexual; presumedly due to my being on the spectrum. This means that I am both sexually and romantically attracted to women but simultaneously have little desire to be with someone else or engage in intercourse. At least not in actuality. I have always felt this way to a degree but more so in more recent years.

Most people are not on the autism spectrum and it seems that the majority of allistic (non-autistic) women find spectral men unattractive. I can’t tell you how many of them thought I was “creepy” or “weird” simply because of who I am. I often find myself avoiding women because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. They have enough creepy and weird men they have to deal with on a daily basis.

I have noticed that I have gotten along great with the few spectral women I have met and I’d most certainly be open to considering dating a woman on the spectrum as opposed to an allistic woman, but they are very few and far between, seeing as how the male to female ratio on the autism spectrum is anywhere from 3:1 to 4:1.

Being only 5'5" tall doesn’t necessarily make me look great in many women’s eyes either. Many people will deny that height makes a difference but to many people, it does, even if they say it doesn’t.

I’ll also add that I have always been attracted to plus-sized women; women anywhere from a-bit-thick to perfectly-round. But, in my experience, larger women often prefer larger men as many of them have been self-conscious about their size, sadly, and may feel even more self-conscious being with a little puppy like me.

In the same way that a man who loves thin women may love the feel of women’s hard abs or tight butt, I love the feel of their softness. At the expense of running the risk of being told that I am objectifying the human body, I personally think a rounder shape is more “womanly” as well. Many times, larger women often look at men like me as weird fetishists and shy away, and I am not blaming them at all — they have enough to cope with due to sizeism and the way society treats them, and I don’t seek to diminish their fight for respect and civility, nor objectify them — this is just my preference.

It would be nice to meet someone great, I guess, but I also value my alone time more than I do time with others. I don’t want to have someone else smothering me. Not having enough of my alone time to recharge makes me feel incredibly unwell.

As for sex, sex feels good, but it isn’t worth my jumping through so many hoops to try to get. Sex is also kind of yucky in a sense with fluids and smells.

Sometimes I just look back on all the time I spent trying to meet women and how much time I wasted in the process of dating and sex:

  1. Time wasted getting blown off.
  2. Time wasted getting turned down.
  3. Time wasted getting lead on.
  4. Time wasted getting stood up.
  5. Time wasted with women who turned out to be bad news.
All that time that I could have used for more constructive endeavors. This, combined with my semi-asexuality, is why I have little interest in finding someone.

I will say that my near 10 years without sex and near 11 years without a relationship haven’t been too bad, on the whole. I have had a bit of time to try to better myself, though I have a lot of additional bettering to do. I have had a bit of time to dedicate towards my music and other hobbies. I don’t have to deal with any relationship turmoil or drama.

Footnote: This article was not written in order to solicit pity or reassurance from anyone. Though I will likely never be in another relationship or have sex ever again, my life is very productive and fulfilling. I have a great family and friends (including women) who care about me a lot and believe in me even when I don’t. In the back of my mind, I often wrestle in my head with whether I am meant to be with someone or meant to be alone. To which I typically come to the same conclusion: I am a virtual hermit and more than likely meant to live a fulfilling life of singledom and celibacy.

© 2019; Mike Cassell. All Rights Reserved

Moments of Passion