Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Ever since I was a little girl with a cute pink diary to write in, I’ve ranted my feelings, thoughts, dreams, and hopes on paper (or screen) with decent results. Either I felt better or I made myself cry through trauma and eventually felt better.
For the last month, I’ve been unable to do so.
Being a sex writer isn’t always fun and games, but for the most part, no matter my personal mood, I can come up with a fun anecdote or story from the past to share with others. I don’t have to be currently feeling sexy or even having sex in order to write about it.
I also have a ‘regular’ profile, where I can write about things other than sex if by chance I’m just not feeling it. But with what’s been going on since the beginning of December in my personal life, I can’t even do that. Sadly, I found I’m being followed by people in my regular life over there and I can’t let it all out, without risk of it coming back to bite me in the ass.
For those who aren’t sure what I’m referring to, the story of how my life has been completely turned upside down is here.
Today, I took some time to get out of the house in an attempt to find semi-reliable internet so I could get some work done. As I was sitting quietly, working on editing a friend’s book, I began to think about how different things are in my mind lately. Where normally, I would be sure to take time for myself when I had the opportunity, lately, I find it harder to do.
A month ago, I would have relished the opportunity to have so much time to myself. I would tell myself all the things I would get done in this quiet time. Video and audio content for my adult sites, no set time for work, being able to do whatever I wanted and needed to in order to promote my business. But the harsh reality is, I’ve really not done a damn thing. It’s hard to be creative when you’re seeing the world in shades of gray.
I’ve been working on convincing myself this is just a bump in the road of life. That it’s so quiet here because I’m being given a break (that I asked for, but not like this) and I should use this opportunity to get so many projects done. Most days, what happens instead is, I play stupid games on the tablet when I can’t sleep (which is often) and nap during the day.
And sex? Not even really on the brain. Where before, I would masturbate at least once a day, not only for pleasure, but for self care; Lately I’m finding I don’t care if I miss a week, much less a day. It’s hard to experience pleasure when it feels wrong to be remotely happy about anything. But I am trying to change that. I’m no good for myself or anyone else if I’m miserable and sad all the time.
I’m very good at giving advice to others going through similar situations. Drink lots of water, try to get healthy sleep, eat what you can when you can, take a walk, take care of YOU.
Now, to learn to take my own advice to heart.
A fun and sexy piece from the past:
I Watched My Girlfriend Have Sex With My Boyfriend
Even open relationships cross boundaries you don’t expect sometimes.
My New Year’s “Resolution”:
Why I Won’t Be Playing it Safe in The New Year
Contrary to popular belief, I haven’t said everything I want to say, yet.
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