Bathing Two Babies At Once

The Complete How-To Guide

Photo by Lubomirkin on Unsplash

• Step 1 — Do not attempt to bath two babies at once.
• Step 2 — If Step 1 must be ignored, draw bath. Add bubbles. Fetch wash clothes, towels, diapers, and fresh clothing.
• Step 3 — Bring both children into the bathroom. Close the door.
• Step 4 — Begin stripping 1st child. Realize the bathroom is not babyproofed in the least. Remove toilet brush from 2nd child’s hand milliseconds before it ends up in their mouth.
• Step 5 — Test water temperature. Realize you could add babies and vegetables to make the most disgusting and disturbing soup at this temperature. Drain some of the water, turn the tap to straight cold to cool down. Begin stripping 2nd child.
• Step 6— Realize 2nd child has stealth pooped. Realize you have no baby wipes in the bathroom. Decide the hand towel is perfectly washable. Resolve stealth poop.
• Step 7— Test water temperature. Realize it might be a little warmer in the refrigerator. Decide it probably won’t give them hypothermia and they will be fine. Time to thicken that skin.
• Step 8— Put 2nd child in bath. Perform ninja-speed move to heft 1st child in bath without taking your eyes off 2nd child. Be relieved temperature seems to have no effect on either child.
• Step 9— Apply baby shampoo to 1st child’s head. Return 2nd child to seated. Wash 1st child’s hair. Return 2nd child to seated. Fill cup with water to rinse 1st child’s hair. Return 2nd child to seated. Dump first cup of water on 1st child’s head. Return 2nd child to seated. Dump second cup of water on 1st child’s head. Return 2nd child to seated. Return 2nd child to seated. Return 2nd child to seated.
• Step 10 — Apply baby shampoo to 2nd child’s head. Start epic meltdown because they do not like getting their hair washed. Prevent 1st child from drinking bathwater. Wash 2nd child’s hair. Prevent 1st child from drinking bathwater. Fill cup with water to rinse 2nd child’s hair. Decide bathwater won’t kill 1st child. Dump first and second cup of water on 2nd child’s head.
• Step 11 — Look at washcloth on side of tub. Decide that given the amount of splashing and wiggling they’ve done they are probably clean. You added bubbles after all. Check leg folds and armpits for visible gunk. If clear, abandon washcloth idea. If gunky, scrub only those areas with washcloth.
• Step 12 — Grab towel and finally let 2nd child stand. Burrito child tightly in towel. Lay burrito in bathroom floor in front of the tub. Pin burrito still between ankles as burritos can still roll. Repeat towel and burrito-ing with 1st child.
• Step 13— Look at hairbrush and toothbrushes on sink counter. Decide that babies with ruffly hair are cute because you are almost out of breath and patience to brush both hair and teeth. Brush 1st child’s teeth until all baby toothpaste is sucked off toothbrush or a puddle of drool appears on burrito. Repeat with 2nd child.
• Step 14 —Apply diaper and fresh clothes to both children. This will take approximately four hours.

That’s it. You’ve done it. Two bathed babies. In good news, you are now so soaked it pretty much counts as bathing for you too. In better news, they are already dirty again so you’ll get to do this again soon!

For more how-tos on dealing with twins — check out my other guides:

The Complete How-To for Feeding Twin Pre-Toddlers

Gwenna Laithland is an independent journalist, humorist, and freelance writer in Oklahoma. She writes contemporary sci-fi and is working on her debut novel, Beyond the Sky. Find out more about her upcoming projects on her website, gwennalaithland.home.blog.