Now, with Mother’s Day on everyone’s mind you’ll be seeing, reading and hearing a lot of smack talk. “World’s best mom” gets thrown around like a chancleta in a south Florida home. But let me set the record straight.

Yo guys, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but I have the best mom of all time. The best mom of all time!

Admittedly, it’s a difficult subject to argue. No number of “yo mamma” jokes or “your mom” come backs can ever really accurately portray the true essence of what a mother is. But despite the impossibility of this task, I am going to help you understand why I can say without question, my mom is better than yours. (Sorry I’m not sorry.)

Things my mother taught me:

Don’t waste sick days being sick. ‘Tis way better to suffer through the sniffles at work than waste a day off in bed! Man up, get your shit done, and take your next “sick” day at the beach!

If you’re gonna be bad, be good at it. When you are knowingly going to break the rules, don’t be an idiot! Think it through. Being a rebel is fun, getting caught is not.

If you want it done differently, do it yourself. My mother is one of the most helpful and dependable people you’ll ever meet! She’s happy to lend a hand and her word is worth more than cash under your mattress. But if you’re planning on being a backseat helper, you’ll quickly learn that those on the recieving end of a favor shouldn’t delegate. I learned this the hard way when after a few school lunch suggestions I was quickly promoted to chef. Want a better lunch? Make it yourself. And I did from that day forward.

Keeping with a food theme for a moment, my mother was a believer in ends, not just means. If you called in the take out, drove to the restaurant and/or signed your name on the check, you my friend should sit back and wait for the Michelan’s to arrive. He who pays, cooked!

If there is only one answer to all life’s questions it’s…orgasms. This one is always a hard one for people to believe, but it’s truer than an eastern sunrise. My mom is a steadfast believer in benefits of sex and orgasms. Can’t sleep? Have an orgasm! Feeling blue? Have an orgasm! Think you’re getting a cold? Have an orgasm and then a glass of OJ. The more the merrier.

And I’m sure you’ve heard of the Godfather. But with three daughters and no invite to join the mob the advice was slightly altered but still just as meaningful. “Take the vibrator, leave the man.”

Hangovers. This may very well be my favorite of them all. Mom’s got plenty of hangover advice but this by far takes the chocolate cake vodka shot. After a particularly long night of imbibing I woke up to an even rougher morning. I was feeling down, food was coming up and the room was still spinning. But fear not, Mom to the rescue. “Drink some water, take some tylenol and forgive yourself.”

Wanting things is a part of life. And growing up my sisters and I were no strangers to commercial desires. Pogs, clothes, light up sneakers, makeup, tamagotchis, tape records/CD players, you name it. But my mom had what is arguably the best comeback to a plea of desperation. “Mom I want (insert whatever the item of desire was this week) . “It’s good to want.” Conversation DENIED! But she was right. Wanting makes the heart grow fonder.

Blue eye shadow is for whores. This one is pretty self explanatory. Also to be noted, this little nugget of wisdom was given in front of my older sister’s best friend while she was over out house having dinner, and wearing blue eye shadow.

Now I can keep going, but surely you’re already convinced. My mom is the best. And I’m only slightly offended you implied otherwise with wellwishes and apprecitations to your own mom this Mother’s Day.

I love you, Mom.