As he falls to sleep.
(Originally posted 6/30/2016)
That sweet bliss of watching him fall off to sleep at the end of a long day. How he lies there so quietly just staring at the ceiling thinking of… I don’t know what. I wish I did know. Maybe what Lego he’ll build tomorrow. His eyes close for a bit then open slowly again. No. Not asleep yet. I watch as his body relaxes more and falls deeper into his pillow. Lying on his side, with his cheeks and lips pressed, looking sort of schmushed up, making him look like he’s blowing kisses. So cozy. So peaceful.
He opens his eyes very slowly, looks at me, smiles then closes them again. Knowing I’m there to help transition from the day, into his sleep filled night, gives him comfort. I will admit, some nights are challenging, like when I’m so exhausted and I just wish he’d fall asleep, yet he fights it. But tonight, I was welled up with feeling what a privilege it is to have this magical, special time with him. To see him drift off into dreamland. His hands and feet start to twitch just a bit. I wonder what he may be dreaming about.
Tonight he chose to sleep shirtless because of the summer heat. Seeing his soft skin and sweet half naked body, reminds me of when he was a baby and would just wear a diaper in the heat. Where did that time go? I know it’s such a cliche but seriously, when did I become the mom to a 6 1/2 year old? I linger in the bed just staring at his beautiful face. I begin to feel the tears well up. The huge surge of emotions begin to erupt. He is pure perfection. This feeling is love. A mother’s love. There is nothing else like it I’ve ever known. It fills me up and can drain me dry, if I don’t remember to fill my own tank and take care of myself.
Our children need us so much and we sometimes enjoy the need and it can fuel us and give us a purpose that we’ve never had before. We understand how profound it is and it can make us feel so important. But it’s not about us, it’s about this special being, however they came into our lives. They chose us and it’s happening now and lasts forever. It’s the most delicate, precious, major experience of our lifetime. It can break us, if we’re not careful. That’s how big a mother’s love is. It can swallow us whole and take possession of us, if we aren’t truly aware of who we are.
I’m so grateful and honored to be my son’s mother. Being a mother has been my life’s dream. But I know I’m more than a mother. I am the whole wide universe. I am that beautiful innocent face that I lingered to watch sleep. He and I are one. When I look at him in his Star Wars /Transformers decorated room, softly lit by his closet nightlight, and diffuser, I cry. I cry because, this moment. This is what life is. This is all that matters. This moment of connection and seeing him in all his magnificent glory, knowing, I, too, contain the same exact beauty and perfection.
We all came into this world that way. Perfect and whole and completely filled with spirit. This is why I cry. I feel it so intensely and true. Knowing my child and I are one with the universe. It’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. I’m beautiful. Loving him as I do, with a mother’s love is what has helped to remind me of the purity of God’s love. There I said it. I just had a God moment while watching my son fall asleep. That’s what I was trying to say all along.
Here’s to being more aware and in the moment so I can feel these God moments more often. I’ve been having them more lately and I sure as heck like them. That’s what being more conscious can do for you. Imagine if we all were walking around more conscious having these little God moments of true connection and bliss. Wow. Peace on Earth, that’s what would happen. If more people could just watch my son fall off to sleep, that might do the trick.