Can Women Take Viagra, Too?
Tracey’s Tip: Think about what might be hampering your desire for sex — that’s going to get you a lot further than Viagra
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about how to receive unrequited love from a friend, whether or not women should take Viagra to help low sex drive, and what to do if you still haven’t lost your virginity in your early 20s.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: I take a drama class and one of the unattached women in the group has fallen for me. I have a partner who I love and will never leave, and my friend knows it. But there’s a sexual attraction between us and genuine caring that has been going on for a few years. We’ve never kissed romantically and simply have tea and a chat about once every 3 months, pandemic allowing. Am I being unfair to her to see her, knowing she has fallen for me, with no prospect of anything really happening? I want to do the right thing by her.
A: So, I’m afraid there is an element of ‘having your cake and eating it too’ going on here!
You talk about wanting to do the right thing by your friend, but I think you know that you are the person who is benefiting most from this flirtation. You have a partner you love, a relationship that offers security and stability, and the kind of warts-and-all love that comes with a long-term relationship. What this person is offering you is what long-term relationships don’t have– excitement, flirtation, an ego-boost. You’ve still got it! This person wants me! And you’re getting all this without actually having to put anything on the line or to put your relationship in jeopardy.
So the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself: you say you want to do the right thing by this woman. But I think what you’re really asking is: ‘Is it OK for ME to continue enjoying this?’ Because of course, you are. Everyone enjoys getting attention from people who aren’t their partners if we’re all truly honest.
You admit you know this woman has fallen for you but you continue to see her and it’s been going on for years. I’m guessing you’ve had conversations about this with her because she knows you will never leave your partner. But what exactly has been said and how honest have you been? Are you sure you haven’t left the door just a teeny weensy bit open to fuel the flames of desire, just a little bit, because you’re enjoying this flirtation?
Because here’s what needs to be said, if you really do want to do the right thing by this woman: you need to ask her if she’s met anyone new. If she hasn’t, follow that up with, ‘Because as much as I am so fond of you as a friend, I will never be able to offer you more than that. I hope I’ve made that very clear to you because I would hate to be leading you on when I won’t ever be able to offer you anything but friendship.’
How you say this little speech is important as the words. No flirtatious eye contact, sitting too close, or letting your eyes travel over her. It needs to be delivered how a friend would deliver it: with honest but concerned body language. If she says she’s well aware of this and just enjoys your company, you’re in the clear on her side. Yours won’t be the first friendship where you both know you find each other attractive even though nothing will happen.
But there’s one person who seems to have been forgotten about in all of this– your partner. You ask how to do the right thing by the women you’re flirting but what about your partner? Does she know you see this woman AND that you know she has a thing for you? If you’re in any doubt about whether this counts as infidelity, ask yourself this: ‘What would my partner think if they could see what I’m doing now? Would she approve? Or would she not?’
I don’t know too many people who would enjoy being in that situation, knowing their partner has a flirtation that they indulge a few times each year. It might be that the woman you’re flirting with isn’t the only person you need to come clean with.
Q: I’m a 28-year old healthy female but have some issues with desire. I’ve read that taking Viagra makes sex feel better for women. Is this true and would you recommend women take it?
A: If you’re a woman who has been struggling with a low sex drive, problems with orgasms, or pain during sex for more than six months, you’re said to be suffering from female sexual dysfunction or FSD. One-third of young and middle-aged women and around half of older women suffer from it. It’s both alarming and sad that a lot of women really don’t enjoy sex, and low desire is something women often ask me about.
Is Viagra the answer to this problem? The honest answer is: we don’t know yet but probably not. It’s definitely only licensed for use in men. They don’t know if it’s safe or effective for women. There’s anecdotal evidence that it may increase sexual pleasure which makes sense to me. Viagra works in men by increasing blood flow to the penis. If it does the same for women –increasing blood flow to the genitals– it may increase lubrication and sensitivity and help with orgasm. There is ongoing research into whether Viagra will work for women but at the moment, there’s no significant evidence to suggest that it does.
What Viagra WON’T do is increase a woman’s sex drive or desire for sex. This happens in the brain, not the genitals. You might have also heard of a drug called Addyi, or Flibanserin. It’s licensed in the US for the treatment of FSD. It’s nicknamed ‘women’s Viagra’ but it acts on the brain instead of on blood flow. However, it’s extremely controversial as evidence for its effectiveness is not strong and it has unpleasant side effects.
The real question here is why are you struggling with desire?? Lots of things affect our desire for sex: your natural resting libido might be low as you genetically don’t have a huge desire for sex. There is a genetic component to our sex drive. FSD is sometimes triggered by life events: illness, pregnancy, parenting, stress, getting old, feeling depressed or unhappy in our relationships.
But most often, it’s caused by not knowing what arouses you and ineffective technique on your partner’s side. The best way to solve this is to educate yourself on the female sexual arousal system and teach yourself how to orgasm during masturbation– then teach your partner what works for you. Not spending enough time on foreplay is another reason why women don’t feel a strong desire for sex. If sex isn’t very good, why would you look forward to it?
Think about all these issues and what you think might be hampering your desire for sex. That’s going to get you a lot further than Viagra.
Q: Please help! I’m a straight man in my early 20s and still a virgin, even though I’m pretty average-looking and have lots of friends. I haven’t yet had a proper relationship. I don’t have a problem attracting women, but I don’t ever seem to get past the foreplay stage, and then things just fizzle out. What am I doing wrong?
A: A few points need to be made here: First up, you’ve just lived through two years of Covid. You’ve effectively lost two years when you probably would have formed that relationship that you lost your virginity in. The pandemic has added two years on MOST people losing their virginity– you aren’t the only one. This is the reality, so lose any shame you have about it.
Most statistics suggest we’re losing our virginity later anyway. When I was growing up, nearly everyone lost it around 16. But 30% of Gen Z –people between the ages of 18 and 22– have never had sex. Another study found people born in the 1980s and 1990s were more likely to have zero sex partners at age 18 than previous generations. The definition doesn’t help. Most people classify a virgin as someone who hasn’t had penis-vagina sex, but plenty of LGBTQ people never have that type of sex.
It’s not unusual to be a virgin in your early 20s. And even if it was, who cares? You say you don’t have trouble attracting women and have had foreplay. This is more a matter of relaxing into it and being in the right situation.
I wonder if this actually says something rather nice about you, that you’ve been in the heavy petting scenarios and not pushed it further. I’d like to think you were waiting for a clear sign of consent from the woman you were with and that’s why it fizzled out. Sex isn’t that easy to negotiate. Women want to feel desired and some women will wait for the man to make the first move, rather than do it themselves. If you don’t make it clear you want intercourse, they will assume you aren’t interested rather than waiting for clear consent from them.
Timing is another thing I’d question. Are you talking one-off encounters here or encounters that at least run over a few days or nights? Because if it’s a one-night thing, it could be the women never intended it to go further than a bit of mucking around. Not everyone wants full sex on the first date.
Again, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s also up to you whether you tell future partners you’re still a virgin or the age you lost your virginity. That’s your secret, not public knowledge. It will happen, trust me. And I also know that the first time might well be horribly disappointing. Sex gets better as you get older.
