Don’t Feel Guilty if You Only Have Orgasms With Your Vibrator

Tracey’s Tip: Your body is simply responding as it should to a method that works extremely well

International sexpert Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.

This week, Tracey responds to questions about how women can keep feeling sexy in their skin after having kids, if regularly using a vibrator can ruin sex with your partner, and what to do when your partner asks to watch porn during sex.

Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.

Q: I used to love sex but I’m finding, as I’m getting older, that my confidence is falling. I haven’t felt sexy since I had children and put on weight. I also have lots of stretch marks. My husband tells me I look great but I think he’s just saying that to be nice. What can I do to get my confidence back?

TC: I interviewed hundreds of women for my recent book and I asked them how they felt about their bodies. And, seriously, it was rare that a woman said she was happy.

I’d say most women over 35 aren’t happy with their bodies — especially after having had children. It doesn’t do us any favors thinking like this, and worrying that our bodies aren’t sexy or desirable does terrible things to your sex life. There’s a saying: “When shame walks in the door, lust flies out the window.” And never a truer word spoken.

Listen, if you’re extremely overweight and it’s a health risk, of course, you should look at your diet and lifestyle and rectify it. But most of us don’t fall into that category. We’re a healthy weight, just not the weight other people SEEM to be on Instagram.

If your shape or weight is changed from having babies, what a wonderful reason why! I mean pregnancy, labor, parenting — they’re brutal on our bodies!! But what would you rather have, your kids or your old body? (Maybe don’t answer if you haven’t slept for five years.)

Feeling desired is important to women. We need our partners to know how important it is to tell us — on a regular basis — that they find us sexy and attractive. The best way to boost your sexual esteem is to have more sex.

Having sex improves body image because your subconscious steps in and does the work for you. Enjoyable sexual experiences make us feel better about our bodies. It’s a win-win-win scenario: the better you feel about your body, the better sex is because you relax into it and enjoy it more. Which makes us want sex more, which in turn helps foster a better body image.

I think all women can relate to that question.

Q: I have most of my orgasms with my vibrator on my own. Sometimes I worry that this is ruining sex with my partner. Is it possible to get addicted to my vibrator? Is it bad for you to have most of your orgasms that way?

TC: So many women feel guilty for being able to orgasm quickly and easily using a vibrator, and my question for that is always: why?

The reason you find having an orgasm so easy with a vibrator is because vibration is a highly effective way — some would say THE most effective way — to stimulate the clitoris. An experienced tongue runs a close second but, for most women, achieving orgasm using a vibrator is the quickest and most reliable method.

For many women, it’s the ONLY way they orgasm. There is nothing to feel guilty about if most of your orgasms come via your vibrator. Your body is simply responding as it should to a method that works extremely well.

You should congratulate yourself for continuing to masturbate even though you have a partner to have sex with. Our partners aren’t always there when we feel like sex — or might not want it. And regular orgasms keep your libido high and your genitals in good shape — not to mention providing lots of other significant physical and emotional benefits.

You asked if it is possible to get addicted to a vibrator, and I think by this you mean, “Will I only want to have orgasms with my vibrator, if I keep on using it?” The answer to that is yes and no.

No, because sex with your partner involves a real, live person which means it’s about way more than having an orgasm. This is why vibrators will never replace sex with another human being: at the end of the day, you can’t cuddle your vibrator or go out to dinner with it.

Yes, because vibrator orgasms are so damn easy, it can make you lazy about using other methods like your fingers — which can mean your body gets used to only having an orgasm one particular way.

Vibrator orgasms don’t ruin you for sex with your partner but it’s always best to be able to orgasm through more than one method. The more different ways you can orgasm, the more orgasms you’ll have. But it’s definitely not ‘bad’ to get most of your orgasms that way. Vibrators are an extraordinary invention and many women wouldn’t be able to orgasm at all without them.

Feel glad that you have such an amazing machine at your disposal, rather than beat yourself up that it works so well!

Q: My new partner wants me to watch porn with him. I’ve never done it before and I’m worried I’m going to make a fool of myself. What do you do while you’re watching it? Do you watch it and then go off and have sex? Or do you do it while you’re watching?

TC: This isn’t an unusual question, and I do encourage you to give it a whirl because a new study done in the U.S. last December looked at how porn impacts our relationships when it’s viewed together, rather than alone, and the conclusion was very much that it is a good thing.

I hasten to add, for anyone who has a moral objection to porn, if you do a search for “ethical” or “female-friendly porn,” you will find some brilliant alternatives there. If you have any body image issues and think you’re going to spend the whole time worrying if you look as good as the people on screen, this isn’t right for you.

I would STRONGLY recommend that you choose the porn you are going to watch before you settle in to have sex because that’s actually the hardest, most awkward bit! Remember most of us watch porn on our own, free of all judgment, and very few people are game to say, “Hey, this is my favorite category: “Grandmothers with big breasts!!!”

Porn opens up some interesting conversations. He’ll be watching to see the things that seem to excite you the most — maybe watching someone get tied up — and thinking, “Ok, maybe we’ll try that together next time.” It also gives you new ideas of things you’d like to try, like a new position or something you’ve never done before.

I would like to point out that while porn can be good for sex inspiration, it should NEVER be used for sex education,

The other thing you need to get right is the sound. It needs to be loud enough for you to hear but not so loud that the kids or neighbors can. Lots of people leave the sound off completely, either because they don’t want anyone to hear or because porn is ridiculous enough without the sound. Once you turn it on and hear the moaning, it can set both of you off.

By the way, don’t worry if you end up getting a severe case of giggles the first time. Just don’t make a big deal of it and keep having sex and lust will take over from the laughter.

My final tip for watching porn together would be to turn it off the second you’re done. When you’re in the moment, watching erotica is super hot. Once you’ve both had orgasms, it instantly just looks stupid and you feel embarrassed that you found it a turn-on. So, before you settle in for that post-coital cuddle, lean over and turn it off. Or at the very least turn the sound down.