Feeling Jumpy and Nervous About Hiding Your Secret Affair?
Tracey’s Tip: Confessing will make you feel better but will ultimately hurt your partner much more
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about techniques to help you climax during intercourse that are not just adding in a vibrator, whether or not you should tell your partner about infidelity that occurred during a rough patch in your relationship, and how to get excited about sex when you have a low libido.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: I can’t climax during intercourse and it frustrates me. I know I’m not the only one and I know why I’m not able to orgasm but surely there are things I can try other than him using his fingers or holding a vibrator there?
A: Yes, we can suggest more techniques to try and it’s all thanks to a landmark study of more than 3,000 American women.
Researchers asked women to reveal how they made penetrative sex more pleasurable and unearthed four highly effective techniques that increase the likelihood of orgasm. This is hugely significant: it’s the first time women have detailed, very specifically, what they do to make intercourse more enjoyable. Fewer than one in five women reach orgasm through intercourse alone because it doesn’t provide enough stimulation of the clitoris.
Here are the four techniques to help you orgasm during intercourse:
1. 76% of the women used ‘rocking’: rocking their body up and down so the clitoris constantly rubbed against the base of the penis.
The traditional in-out method of thrusting doesn’t maintain the much-needed consistent pressure on the clitoris. In this technique, you are basically using his penis as something to masturbate against. It requires him letting your pleasure take precedence over his because he’s just lying there really. But, let’s face it, the minute you’ve had an orgasm and give him the signal to let go, there aren’t too many men who can’t have one in two seconds flat. A fair person won’t complain.
2. Even more of the women (88%) used ‘angling’: they rotated, raised, or lowered their pelvis or hips during penetration.
A lot of this is instinctual– women who can orgasm during penetration know what feels good and what doesn’t and move around until it feels right. It’s about having the confidence to say, ‘Do you mind if I just adjust a few things here so it’s hitting the right spot?’ And feeling able to suggest choosing positions that are more female-friendly. Woman-on-top and ‘doggie’ style continue to be reported as the intercourse positions most likely to result in penetrative orgasm for women.
3. ‘Shallowing’ was used by 83% of women to orgasm: they enjoyed being stimulated just inside the vagina with the tip of a penis or finger, sex toy or tongue.
This works because a lot of the nerve endings in the vagina are concentrated at the entrance (if they were intensely spread throughout the vaginal canal, childbirth would be unbearable). Of all the techniques though, this was the least interesting to me. I think I’m a clitoris girl not a vagina girl but clearly, it works for lots of women — 83%!
4. Interestingly, the least common technique (70%) — pairing — is probably the best known.
Pairing involves using fingers or a sex toy to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse. It’s just a better name for what most of us have been doing all along: stimulating the clitoris externally while being penetrated internally. The woman who wrote to us looking for ideas has done this one to death– as have most of us.
So they are the techniques — they’re pretty simple but, if the study is to be believed and it was highly reputable, remarkably effective. I’ve road-tested the angling and rocking and they get top marks from me!
Q: Hi Zibby and Tracey. I could really do with some advice. My 8-year relationship went through a bad patch and I had a brief fling with a woman at work. It’s all over, no one ever found out and my relationship is back on track. It happened six months ago but I still feel jumpy and nervous about what I did. Should I come clean or keep quiet?
A: I completely see why you would want to confess: it’s hard to look your partner in the eye after infidelity unless you confess and beg for forgiveness. Others say you should own up to it and take it on the chin if you cheat — put yourself up for the punishment that you deserve.
My take on this hasn’t altered over the years: I strongly believe while confessing might feel wonderful for you, after living with the heavy burden of guilt, it’s sure as hell not going to feel wonderful for your partner. Infidelity is devastating and heartbreaking. It wipes out all trust and it can take years to rebuild (if, indeed, that’s possible).
The only person who stands to benefit from the confession in this circumstance is you. The relationship was in trouble and you made a mistake. Live with the consequences of what you’ve done and spare your partner. If the affair is known or strongly suspected, you’re better off telling: better a voluntary confession than an unwanted discovery. But keep your mouth shut otherwise.
So keep quiet but make it up to her in other ways. Be the best partner you could possibly be. Make sure you have truly solved the problem that caused the rocky patch and you haven’t just put a Band-Aid on it. Don’t so much as look at the colleague who tempted you. If you feel yourself being drawn to cheating again, get yourselves off to see a good counselor or take immediate action to head it off at the pass. Treat her like she is the most important person in your world, stop dwelling on what you did, and move forward.
Q: I’m 29, a straight woman, and I’d describe my libido as low to average. I not that I don’t enjoy having sex with my partner, it’s just not my favorite thing to do. I do feel close to him afterward though and I know it makes him happy. So my question is this: how can I make myself more in the mood for sex?
A: This is an excellent question because it’s really honest. And I like that she has acknowledged that desire isn’t the only motivation for sex.
My first point in answering this question would be to talk about how to change your mindset. In long-term relationships, it’s unrealistic and naïve to think every time you have sex, both of you will want to do it. Making your partner happy, feeling connected, giving pleasure — these are just a few of the other good reasons to have sex. You’ve already figured this out. So that’s one big step in the right direction.
But then ask yourself: do you know why you’re not that interested in sex? Is it ineffective technique on your partner’s side? Have you never really been interested? Tackle any body image issues, challenge a childhood where sex was seen as ‘dirty.’ Do you have an inkling as to what your parent’s sex drive was? Most kids get an inkling of what’s going on sexually with their parents. They think our sex drive is genetic so you might have inherited a naturally low libido. Do a bit of sleuthing. If there are underlying psychological causes there, tackle them.
Know what you need to be satisfied sexually.
I’m guessing the sex you are having right now is OK. It’s not bad, it’s not great. Lots of research shows women go off sex because they’re bored. Not because they don’t like it or aren’t as sexual as men– they just get bored quicker. Give us hot, erotic, interesting sex rather than routine, mundane sex and we might be saying yes more often. It could be that.
Maybe you’ve always had just-ok sex and not realized you’re capable of enjoying sex more. Have you dared to push out of your comfort zone? What happens in your darkest fantasies when you masturbate? Dare to share this darker side of your sexuality with your partner and you might discover a more interesting erotic type of sex that you enjoy more.
Masturbate.
If you don’t masturbate, start doing it. Use a vibrator for convenience but also use your fingers now and then so you discover what technique works best for you.
Remember, sex doesn’t not equal intercourse.
If you don’t fancy penetrative sex, what about having oral sex? If men gave women an ‘oral only’ option to having sex, they would say yes much more often. Have low effort sex rather than high energy sex. Would you be up for satisfying your partner with some oral or a hand-job? How about a mutual masturbation session? Or no-effort sex. Offer to watch them masturbate to orgasm. You don’t have to lift a finger, they get to scratch their itch.
Get enough sleep.
Impaired sleep doesn’t just make you too tired to have sex, it leads to a reduction in testosterone, the hormone that makes you want to do it.
If you just can’t bear to go there? Don’t say no, say when. Most people are happy to postpone sex if they know it’s going to happen another time. Instead of saying ‘I don’t feel like it’, say, ‘I’m too tired for sex right now but would love to have it on the weekend when there’s more time.’ It stops you both lying there feeling either guilty or resentful.
