Help! I Think I Might Be Dating a Narcissist!
Tracey’s Tip: They’re going to fight for you if you leave, but you can never cure a narcissist
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about dating (and breaking up with) a narcissist, tips for making your threesome go smoothly, and how to tell if you’re good in bed.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: I have been with my girlfriend for over a year and still don’t know where I stand. It’s all about her and always has been. She is a very good-looking, sexy woman and I think she secretly thinks she can do better than me. (I’m OK looking but nothing special.) I love her and give her all the attention in the world, but she treats me badly and doesn’t seem to care about anyone but herself. I try to talk to her about my needs but she barely listens. The relationship runs hot and cold. Is there any point in hanging around?
TC: Short answer — no! I’m afraid your girlfriend ticks all the boxes of a narcissist! I’m 100% sure this is the case, so see if you identify with any of these traits.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a tell-tale lack of empathy for others. Why would anyone be attracted to someone with such appalling characteristics in the first place? Because, like other abusers, they’re good at disguising their true selves at the start.
Narcissists often are special or outstanding in some way — better looking than most, more talented, intelligent, or charismatic — just not quite as extraordinary as they think they are. Their charm drags you in, and their constant chipping away at your self-esteem keeps you there. It’s not known what causes NPD but while the causes are hazy, there are characteristics that make them relatively easy to spot.
Is your relationship troubled, toxic, and deeply unsatisfying? Here’s how to tell if it’s because you’ve hooked up with a narcissist:
They talk only about themselves
They aren’t interested in you and if you question them about it, they’re furious. You’re supposed to find them endlessly fascinating!
Another key characteristic: they’re belittling
Nothing you do or say will ever be good enough. The food you eat, the clothes you wear, the friends you have, the things you watch — they’ll pick on everything. Narcissists put others down to make themselves feel superior.
They overreact when you disappoint them
This is usually the first real alarm bell: when the great new person you’ve found suddenly reveals a dark side. The entertaining “life of the party” becomes irrationally furious over something trivial. Or transforms into a cold, ruthless person who is eerily unemotional.
They don’t care about your feelings
Narcissists don’t do feelings unless it’s their own. They can’t sympathize, even if you explain in great detail why you’re upset. Interestingly, if you do leave, they’ll fight to stop you from leaving them. No one likes being dumped but narcissists take rejection even more personally. You’re leaving them? That can’t be right!
But leave you must because you can’t cure a narcissist. Your girlfriend will never change. It’s a rare narcissist who will admit they have a problem. They’re perfect, after all — it’s you who has the problem not realizing that!
Q: My husband and I are keen to have a threesome but also know that these things go wrong all the time. Can you give us some tips on how to make things go smoothly?
TC: Threesomes do come with a hefty warning sign: be aware this could ruin your relationship.
The obvious, most glaring reason why threesomes go wrong is that couples that love each other usually have a hard time seeing their partners with someone else. No matter how much you’ve imagined it, you can’t really prepare yourself for what it feels like to watch someone else be with your partner. Fantasy and reality don’t match. Things always go a lot smoother in our heads than it does in the bed.
Plus, it’s awkward. No one really knows who’s supposed to do what and when. Polite couples can find it turns into a “No, you go” type of situation. Meanwhile, the third person’s rolling their eyes and examining their nails.
You may both feel horribly self-conscious as well. Sure, you’ve made love with your partner before but not had them watch you from a distance. And what if the third person thinks that killer blow-job your partner loves is rubbish? Performance anxiety is common for both men and women — especially if you’re not terribly experienced. These are just some of the potential issues with threesomes.
Why do you want to do it?
Given all the (rather compelling) reasons why a threesome is possibly the worst idea you’ve ever had, why would you want to proceed?
Well, it’s deliciously taboo. Some find jealousy adds zing to tired relationships — others find it sexually arousing to see someone else make love to their partner. It makes them feel desirable, being with someone who is desired. Some say it’s instructive to watch other people’s sexual techniques, others that they wanted to sleep with other people and it seemed more honest to do it in front of them and involve them.
How to do it
Find someone to do it with: First up, you need to decide what combo you want — three men, three women, two men and one woman, two women and one man. Sexual preference obviously plays a part but always check which combination threesome you’re talking about before you agree.
Don’t do it with friends unless you want to ruin the friendship. Do consider hiring a sex worker and meeting them at a hotel. Anonymity, little risk of a relationship developing, everyone knows what they’re there for and you feel less obligation to keep going if you decide it’s not for you.
Another alternative: go online and search “threesome partner,” “swinging,” and you’ll find there are parties, venues, online hookups galore.
It’s prudent to all meet beforehand, in a public place. Not just to check you fancy each other but to check they’re not complete nutters. Trust your instincts. If you sense there is something dodgy (in a bad way), don’t go there. I’d consider doing it in a hotel rather than inviting them into your home. Lots of people use drugs before or during a threesome. I really wouldn’t for the first time — or get too drunk either.
Set the rules and talk through everything. Finally: always pay your partner more attention than the other person, especially at the end. I don’t mean to make the third person feel unwelcome but do make sure your partner knows you’re still very much with them and do not want to leave with the other person!
Q: How do you know if you’re good in bed? My ex told me one of the reasons he broke up with me was because I wasn’t great in the sack and it’s shattered my confidence. I’m not sure if it was said in anger or is actually true. How do I tell?
TC: My instinct is your breakup wasn’t a pleasant one, which means you can discount nearly all of what was said. Research shows one insult erases 15 compliments, so I get that you’re feeling rubbish about your sexual prowess right now! You’ll have forgotten all the compliments you’ve ever received and have focused on what’s probably the only insult.
While it’s impossible to really know what you’re like in bed, there are some characteristics that I think apply to everyone.
Here are some signs that you are good in bed:
You masturbate
There is a direct correlation between how often people masturbate, how many orgasms they have, and how much they enjoy sex. The more you enjoy sex, the more your partner does.
You don’t focus too much on orgasms
If you judge the success of a sex session by how many orgasms each of you had, you’re completely missing the point. You’ve heard it before but here’s a reminder: sex is about the journey, not destination orgasm.
You’re happy with your body
If you can’t relax during sex, you’re unlikely to be a good sex partner. Body image issues spoil sex for both of you. Feeling self-conscious and ashamed of your body means you won’t relish a lover’s touch; not being able to lick, suck, and stroke your partner makes for pretty boring sex on the other end as well.
You know what you want and aren’t afraid to ask for it
Expecting your partner to mind read what you’d like them to do to you is immature and unrealistic. Sex isn’t supposed to be a quiz where they’re trying to second guess your desires.
You ask your partner what they like and don’t get offended if they give feedback
One of the signs of a truly exemplary lover is being able to take direction without feeling criticized.
Alternatively, here are some signs something has gone wrong:
Your partners are withdrawn after sex
If your partner goes quiet after sex and shuts down, it’s highly likely something went wrong during it. Most couples are cuddly and silly after good sex: you should feel closer and more bonded not distant and unsatisfied.
Your partners want sex less and less
The quantity of sex you have falls the longer you are together. Think about how quickly that happens in most of your relationships and you’ll get a clue of just how enjoyable sex with you is. The better the sex, the longer it will stay as a regular feature of your relationship. If they’re making excuses just three months in, we have a problem, Houston.
Ditto if you’ve never had an ex want to be “friends with benefits”
If you’ve got a fair number of lovers under your belt and not one of them has ever made a drunk booty call or suggested you continue to have sex while you’re between partners, it’s probably not a great sign. It’s unusual for not even one ex to ask, “How about it?” Either the sex wasn’t great or your breakups are so dramatic and draining, you simply never stay friends.
How to be a better lover?
Be willing to learn, be playful, be in the moment, enjoy giving pleasure as much as receiving, be adventurous and happy to experiment, give lots of compliments and communicate well.
