Here’s How to Write a Sympathy Letter That Actually Helps
Skip the “my condolences” and instead focus on writing a letter that’s intimate and meaningful
When someone loses a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say. We don’t want to say too much. We don’t want to say the wrong thing and make it worse. Often we rely on the tried and true messages (“I’m so sorry for your loss” or “my condolences”) that we find on cards at the store, or we simply say nothing. Because isn’t saying nothing better than saying the wrong thing? Turns out, it isn’t. Saying nothing can leave the griever feeling isolated and alone.
While grief is an inevitability for us all, we don’t all experience and process it the same way. Grief journeys are as unique to the individual as the individuals themselves. This is partly why our personal anxiety can rise when it comes to writing a card to someone. We don’t know where the person is in the grieving process, so it’s hard to know what to say.
Given the very personal and deeply painful experience of grief, Floracracy wanted to know if “playing it safe” in sympathy cards was the better option or if people actually wanted something different. After completing a small survey, we found that only 7% of individuals reported wanting traditional sympathy cards.
What did people want instead? 43% of individuals said they wanted someone to come and sit with them, and 30% wanted personalized positive letters or meaningful experiences that helped them both process their feelings and remember their loved ones. In some age groups, the desire for a personalized letter was the most desired action.
These two responses are, in fact, driving toward the same emotional need. Unpublished research shared by Matthew Lieberman in the book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect found that positive words written down actually change our body temperature to mimic what we experience with human touch.
So when someone is asking for a personalized positive letter, they are actually asking for someone to physically be there. They want to experience someone being present in their grief.
If you are unable to provide that, the next best thing is to send a deeply personal letter: It will make them feel like you are physically present. This is the intimacy people do not experience when receiving traditional sympathy card sentiments.
When it comes to sympathy letters, the job to be done here is to send an experience that evokes the feeling of human intimacy, the feeling of a hand reaching out.
There are three main parts to writing a thoughtful sympathy letter that actually helps, and each plays a significant role. Here’s how to move out of the traditional sympathy card sphere and instead write a grief letter of love that’s intimate, meaningful, and impactful.
Step 1: Provide Context
In writing your letter, it helps to begin by giving the reader some context. This lets them visualize you, creating more intimacy. It also helps you begin to move into the letter. Here are some examples:
- I’m sitting at my kitchen table, where we’ve had so many talks together.
- I was in the middle of a busy workday, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. So, I’m sitting here, writing to you.
- I know I just saw you, but I got home and couldn’t stop thinking about how much we’re both missing mom.
These can be longer and more or less personal. They do the same thing that a classic “once upon a time” does — they lead you into your message or story. They also avoid the kind of statements people do not like, like “my deepest sympathies”, “my condolences”, and “I’m thinking of you” (in a way that doesn’t feel sincere).
One statement you can use here is “I’m so, so sorry for your loss.” This helps to acknowledge that the situation is painful and life-changing and that the grief is probably unbearable right now.
Step 2: Share a Story
Once you and your recipient are led into your letter with the context, it’s time to share a story. It might be a funny story, a story that shares the impact the person had on the world, a story that’s never been told before, or a story that captures that person’s best qualities.
In this situation, it’s helpful to include a few strong details. The color of the sky the night of the funny event. The way something smelled. The exact time something took place. It really doesn’t matter what it is; details make something real and also help the imagination work, which is what builds that intimacy.
Also, remember that stories do not need to be long if the idea of writing one feels overwhelming. A phrase shared between two people so many times you know implicitly what it means is a story, too. It can be a simple sentence like, “I’ll never forget the way your mom would dress up in those tall boots and her wild red hat to play along with all of our stories as kids.” That one sentence says it all: The details about the tall boots and hat are enough to take the reader right back to her mom.
Step 3: The Proper Ending
A common internet search is “how to write a sympathy letter.” But within that category, the question that most comes up is how to end a sympathy letter. What do you say when the ending is grief? How do you make that okay?
The answer is you don’t even try. People do not want to hear “my condolences” or “I’m praying for you.”
A loss is not an end; it is a beginning. With that in mind, the best way to end a sympathy message is to acknowledge your love for the person to whom you’re writing and, if appropriate, the person who has died.
This, again, is the power of focusing on a story and making it personal.
The ending can be as simple as why that story mattered to you. What did it mean? How did it change your life or make you laugh? Here are some examples:
- Jane truly was the most awe-inspiring person. When she did X, she taught me personally the power of never giving up.
- I have never laughed so hard as I did that day, and I still find incredible joy when I go back to that moment.
- I always thought you were the luckiest person alive to get to have that experience with X.
These endings are different from “my condolences” in a big way. They aren’t actually endings. They name emotional experiences about why someone was significant in a way that lasts. You’re letting the person live on in your memories and stories. This kind of ending lets people grieve and feel a way forward. It’s an ending that acknowledges a new beginning.
You can conclude your letter with simple statements like this:
- I love you and am here for you through this.
- I’m having food delivered tomorrow night for you.
- I will always love X, and I will always love you.
A letter that shares a positive message through stories that make us laugh and cry is a letter that changes lives. It builds an intimate experience, bringing a person away from loneliness to the experience of a loving touch. It supports the grief process and validates the loss.
The gift of a “grief letter of love” is one that you can also write and gift to yourself. You can share the stories or messages. You can record your memories. You can tell yourself what you need to hear. There is no better moment to give yourself the gift of love through the healing process of writing.
Sarah-Eva Marchese is the founder and CEO of Floracracy, a technologically advanced premium floral brand, which launched in October 2020. Sarah-Eva leveraged her training as a terrorist profiler to track facts and trends in the floral industry, which became the basis of Floracracy’s patent-pending software. She was inspired to start Floracracy when her family needed to order flowers for her wedding and her grandmother’s funeral within a two-week period. Sarah-Eva holds an MLitt in International Security from St. Andrews University and an MA in War Studies from the University of London, and previously worked for a private intelligence agency and in sales.
You can get help writing a sympathy letter using Floracracy’s 1:1 personalization support with their concierge team here.
This essay is part of our Moms Don’t Have Time to Grieve column.
