Here’s What to Ask Yourself If You’re Thinking About Leaving Your Relationship
Tracey’s Tip: Try intentional activities together, like weekends away, before you throw in the towel
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about when to stay and when to leave a relationship, what happens if your orgasms are too intense, and how to talk to men about erection problems.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: My husband and I have been together for 12 years and have a very active sex life. I have multiple orgasms every time we have sex though never through intercourse (I’m not one of those lucky few). Sometimes my orgasm is so intense I make my husband stop immediately. We jokingly call this the “orgasm of death.” I love sex and hate that I can’t finish one of these very intense orgasms. Is this normal and do you have any tips for keeping the fun going through the intensity?
A: Have you heard of the term la petite mort? It means “the little death” in French. Originally, this term was used to describe a nervous spasm or fainting episode but it has since become associated with orgasm. Philosophers suggest orgasm doesn’t just trigger a physical release but a spiritual one as well. Others say it refers to the fact that orgasm brings us just a bit closer to death. The link between death and sex has always existed: in the Victorian era, doctors feared you could use up for your life force by having sex.
Interesting little segue there but back to the question: is this normal? I hate the word ‘normal’ even though it’s certainly usual and not rare. There’s not been a great deal of research on this but it does appear that women experience orgasms differently in terms of intensity. Some women never feel more than a little flutter, other women describe their orgasms as ‘violent.’ Orgasms intensity for everyone is affected by whether we’re relaxed or stressed, healthy or not healthy, how many drinks we’ve had, how aroused we are — lots of different factors.
How do you keep the fun going through the intensity? I have several suggestions on this.
You say you’re multi-orgasmic. It could be that: if the intense orgasms are always not the first in your session, your clitoris is becoming oversensitive when it’s being stimulated for a long period of time. It happens a lot to women during masturbating with a vibrator. You have an orgasm very quickly, still feel aroused so try for another and then end up teetering on the edge of the next one for so long you just give up. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling — it feels lovely but after a while, it’s frustrating that you can’t tip over the edge.
If it is overstimulation, I’d suggest you’re your husband continues stimulation even when it feels very intense but drops it back to so gentle it’s barely there. That might be enough to get you through the feeling of it being so intense your body halts the orgasm. It might be able to bear very, very, very gentle stimulation that can carry you through to conclusion.
The other thing to do if you’re hypersensitive is to switch stimulation. Instead of him focusing on stimulating the clitoris tip, get him to switch to stimulating the bits you can’t. The clitoris extends in a wishbone shape and has ‘legs’ that extend into your labia. When you feel it’s getting too intense and you’re close to climaxing, get him to move to indirect pressure. Try him holding a vibrator firmly on the side of the labia, pressing down hard on the bit between the closed labia and side of your leg. When you hit the right spot, you’ll know it.
Q: My partner is 46 and has started to avoid sex. I suspect because he is having erection problems. The last few times we did attempt sex, he couldn’t get hard. We have never been good at talking about sex so I have no idea of how to address the issue with him. Can you help?
A: Yes we can help!!!! It can be terrifying talking about sex issues. The good news is, once you get past those first few awkward minutes, most couples find it’s much easier than they thought– and an incredible relief to finally get it out in the open. It’s never too late to start.
Talking about erection issues is one of the hardest conversations of all to have about sex, probably because men see it as the most serious thing a man faces in his lifetime. When I wrote Great Sex Starts at 50, I spoke to hundreds of women and most of them stoically face the myriad of changes happening to their bodies as they age and simply get on with it.
Men don’t think this way. And that’s putting it mildly.
Here’s a handful of the words men use to describe the feeling of not being able to ‘get it up’: Broken. Humiliated. Ashamed. Paranoid. Isolated. Depressed. Emasculated. Suicidal. More than 50,000 men per month visit Frank Talk, which provides support via an anonymous online community, to talk about the devastation of ‘pushing rope’ (trying to penetrate with a semi-erect penis). Many older men would rather not have sex at all, and an erection can be the end-all, be-all for some men. But the reality is there will be unpredictability to his erections as he gets older. Unless he deals with it, sex together is over. You’ll both end up either masturbating to porn solo or not having sex at all.
Here are my tips for handling this conversation carefully:
See it from his side.
If he’s not very good at expressing emotion, sex was probably how he expressed love for you. If you’re not having it, he worries about the impact that could have on your relationship. He may be worried you’ll stop loving him, find sex elsewhere, or are laughing at him behind his back. The more anxious he feels, the worse the problem gets which is likely why he’s avoiding sex with you.
Bring up the subject by simply saying, “Have you noticed we’re not having sex as much lately? I miss it. Why do you think that is? Shall we have a chat about it?” Choose a time when you’re both getting on well and a place where you most comfortably chat. It might be over a drink at the end of the day or while cooking dinner together. Try to make sure there are no interruptions.
Tell him you love him, miss sex with him, and want to talk about why you’re both not having it anymore.
He may react angrily or defensively but stay calm. Tell him you read that half of all men over 40 get erection problems at some stage and ask if that’s happening to him and that’s why he’s avoiding sex. Constantly reassure him that it happens to everyone and that it is normal and fixable. Let him know you don’t need him to get an erection to enjoy sex to take the pressure off, but do encourage him to see his doctor because it can mean other health issues. Offer to go with him.
Focus on solutions, rather than the problem.
If he refuses to talk, drop it and say ‘I’m here if you’d like to talk to me later.’ Try again in a few days. Encourage even small attempts from him to open up. Nearly all men say they feel so much better once they’ve talked with their partners and are ready to find a solution.
Q: I am in a relationship that I’d describe as ‘just OK.’ Sometimes it feels perfectly fine and that I should stay. Other times, when we argue, it feels very much like I should end it. I have been ricocheting between a go/leave decision for about a year now. Any clues to help me decide?
A: This sounds simplistic but lots of couples counselors say if the relationship can be saved, planning a few nice activities — especially a few weekends away — saves it in 70% of cases.
That might be a good place to start. But if you try that or have already tried that without success, here’s a systematic way of solving the problem.
THE LEAVE OR STAY CHECKLIST
-How willing are you both to work at making things better?
-How much energy and effort have you both already put into fixing things? You say it’s been like this for a year, what have you tried so far to fix it? If you have tried, has it been both of you or just you?
-Ask yourself, “If I stopped working at this, would it fall to bits?”
-You both have to be prepared to work at making the relationship good in order for it to improve.
-How long have you been stuck at this point?
-It’s been a year of what? Feeling mild irritation or intense anger or annoyance?
-If you’ve been together a long time and it’s been so-so for three months, hang around. If you’re both working hard to fix it and have felt disillusioned for more than a year, that’s the time to consider moving on.
-Again, what have you tried to fix it? How hard have you tried?
-Ask yourself, “If I had to repeat the last six months of this relationship over and over until I died, would it make me happy?”
It can seem like such a waste of all that effort to throw it all in and start again but if that’s the only reason you’re staying, get out. It’s normal to ask yourself, “Will I find someone better eventually?” but it’s not healthy to cling onto a relationship that’s over just because you can’t bear the thought of being alone.
-Have you simply outgrown the relationship?
-Ask yourself, “Are we such different people now we really don’t have anything in common? Or could we bridge the gap by talking more and letting each other in on our lives?”
-Have you been influenced by other people? If your best friend and family have spent the last year constantly running down your partner, it’s natural to start thinking they’re right. Separate what you think from what others think you should do.
Make two lists.
The first: what do I have to gain by staying?
Write down all the emotional, practical, sexual, or lifestyle advantages to staying with your partner, then ask yourself, “Am I in it just for the sex/money/friendship/whatever’s on your list?’
The second list is: what do I have to gain by leaving?
Repeat the exercise from the opposite perspective: write down all the advantages of leaving. More time to spend on you? The chance to meet someone you’re truly compatible with? The freedom to travel? You never have to sleep with them ever again?
Imagine a stranger looking at your lists. Would they say, “You’re obviously going to leave, right?” or “You’re clearly going to stay?”
It’s time to go if you answer yes to any of the following.
-You only share one or two things in common: a hobby, sex, the dog.
-You’re doing all the work to solve the relationship’s problems.
-Your partner is unwilling to change or compromise.
-Your partner treats you badly.
-You love them but don’t like them much.
If your head tells you you’re not only both moving in different directions but very happy about where you’re headed, it could be time to kiss each other tenderly and change the relationship to friendship.
