How Do We Stay Grounded When the Ground Has Shifted?

Giving voice to our inner selves keeps us aligned and attuned

Boundaries are essential to our wellbeing. They keep stress out, reduce our “to-dos,” and lower blood pressure. While these boundaries we create for safety and protection are fundamental to feeling secure, what is often overlooked is what happens within their confines.

We are all coping with unprecedented levels of uncertainty. Parents are challenged to cope with increased anxiety, compounding their pre-Covid problems. Therapists, like me, who have traditionally held these anxieties for clients, are being challenged to hold our own. Burnout is a big issue. As the therapist Esther Perel says, How do we stay grounded when the ground has shifted?

According to trauma therapist Bessel van der Kolk, unprocessed stress and trauma will find an outlet through your body. Until you learn how to decode what your body is trying to tell you, it will keep score (hello, migraine, backache, and insomnia).

As a cancer survivor (eighteen years and counting), I know that wellbeing is an inside job. Saying “yes” is just as important as saying “no.” The shades in between (maybes, equivocations, concerns) form the basis of my reflective practice. Learning how to make sense of these shades — the color, strength, and space they require — has a direct connection to my sense of wellbeing. This is the real body of work we need to focus our attention on.

Giving voice to our inner selves, what Carl Jung called archetypes (the sad self, stressed, or even neglected self) keeps us aligned and attuned. This is the solid ground of wellness. I tell my clients to keep crayons and a journal by their bedside. When we ignore ourselves, push them away, obscure them with busyness, work, criticism, overeating, digital distractions, or project them onto other people, we lose the melody and pitch of our voice. We start speaking in a monotone. Our life feels flat. We feel depressed. As Brene Brown says, when we numb sadness, we also numb joy.

Underneath our everyday armor exists our longings, losses, desires, and dreams. They need to be heard and witnessed. Once we express our voice, our body has an easier time recovering. Migraines and headaches occur less frequently. Sleep improves. We nap and rest without feeling guilty. The pain that our bodies have been experiencing finally abates. We feel regulated, calmer. Our capacity for coping with other people’s worries expands. Our decision-making is clearer, less obstructed by our unmet needs. We don’t snap at our children (as much). Yell at our partner (only occasionally). We pay attention. We listen. Check-in with ourselves and each other.

We feel better.