I’ve Gotten Over My Partner’s Affair — Why Haven’t My Friends Done the Same?
Tracey’s Tip: If they haven’t got a good reason to not move on, you might need to see them less and start making new friends
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about how a normal vagina should look, what to do if you’ve moved past your partner’s affair but your friends haven’t, and how to use a butt plug properly.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: I’m embarrassed about the way my vagina looks. My inner labia lips protrude and look ugly. I’ve watched porn and, for most women, the inner lips sit inside the outer lips. It makes me very nervous about sex with someone new. Is this normal?
A: The lips of the vagina come in many different colors, shapes, thicknesses, and combinations of all of the above. Asking if your vagina is normal is a bit like asking if your fingerprint is normal. No one is the same as another. Think about how many noses there are– you don’t expect everyone’s nose to look the same. Who said the inner lips have to be smaller than the outer lips? It’s very very usual for the outer lips of the vagina to protrude beyond the inner lips.
I’d love for this woman and any other woman who is concerned about how her vagina looks to search ‘Great Wall of Vagina’ Jamie McCartney. He’s an artist who cast over 400 women’s vaginas in plaster for an artwork which is exactly as it says: hundreds of casts of women’s vaginas. It’s fascinating to see all of the different shapes and sizes.
We complain about porn and how it’s ruined sex but, in terms of normalizing all the different shapes and types of vaginas, it’s been a good thing. This woman says the genitals she’s seen on porn conform to the ‘ideal’ of inner lips smaller than outer lips. What I’d like her to do is look in the amateur porn category– porn with real people.
Some of the adult performers may have had labiaplasty which is basically cosmetic surgery to alter the appearance of the genitals. Vaginal bleaching is also a thing, along with anal bleaching. But it’s becoming less and less popular, and you’re much less likely to see that in the amateur porn category.
I wish we would talk more about this to each other as women. The thing is, what our vulva looks like isn’t something most women talk about to their friends. Some do but lots don’t because they feel ashamed or embarrassed. Our vulvas are hidden. It’s not like our breasts which you see and compare. Do you remember the first time you got a mirror and had a look at your vulva? I do, vividly. It wasn’t at all what I expected. I still think vaginas look a little weird but penises can look more than a bit ridiculous as well. It’s just what genitals look like.
Over the years, I’ve had many women write to me with the same fear– help, my inner lips are bigger than my outer lips. This is more normal than the symmetrical, hairless, pale vulvas you do still see in porn. Please relax about it and stop being embarrassed. If any of your sexual partners do make a derogatory comment, stop having sex with them and show them the door.
Q: A year ago, my partner had an affair. We have a close group of friends, and everyone knew about it. But we’ve worked things out, I’ve forgiven him and we are back on track. The problem is our friends haven’t done the same. I feel judged by them and am constantly having to defend my decision to take him back. How do I get them to move on like I have?
A: Esther Perel, the psychotherapist I am always going on about, says this is the first time in history where there is more shame associated with staying with a partner who’s cheated than leaving them. Before you were supposed to ‘stand by your man (or woman).’ These days, it’s very much ‘What are you doing? Why haven’t you chucked them out? You should think more of yourself!’
Twenty years ago, anything written or said about infidelity was about how cheaters were bad people and going to hell for it and God help anyone who dared to suggest otherwise. Then a funny thing happened: research suggested it wasn’t just bad people who were cheating — nice people were at it as well. Even more alarming, so were people in happy relationships, who loved their partners and had no problems. The final nail in the coffin of old perceptions of why people are unfaithful: women now do it almost as much as men do.
The end result of all these new discoveries is that there are some damn interesting conversations being had about the nature of infidelity and fresh, new ways of looking at it.
Unfortunately, your friends don’t seem to be among the people having these conversations — but I have my theories on why not.
The truth is, good people do make mistakes and have affairs. And some affairs are about a lot more than just wanting to have your cake and eat it too or wanting a bit on the side. They reflect problems within the relationship and sometimes, the person who looks for love elsewhere isn’t the one responsible for the problem. The cheater is sometimes the victim. They’ve tried everything to make the relationship work and having an affair is a last resort.
You don’t say what made your relationship go off track but you clearly feel that he deserves another chance, so perhaps think you were also to blame in some way. This isn’t really any of your friends’ business UNLESS you have a habit of hooking up with people who treat you badly and this is a pattern for you. If it is, then your friends are being friends and don’t want to see you getting hurt again.
Did they like your partner before? Did they think you made a good couple and had a good relationship? If they did and he’s fallen from grace, it’s probably because they are disappointed in him. When people hurt people we love, we get upset. Your relationship is your business but, if they love you, your happiness is also their business. I’m sure this is coming from a nice place.
Another likely thing that could be happening: if your friends are couples and you’re all close, when people cheat or divorce within the group, it makes everyone nervous. Like, ‘If that happened to them, it could happen to us!” If you’re in the group and worried your own partner is tempted, you aren’t going to want someone to get off with cheating lightly.
If you can honestly say they haven’t got a good reason to not move on and stop judging you, you might need to see them less and start making new friends.
Q: Tracey, you often talk about using a butt plug during sex. We’ve never used one before. Can you explain, for beginners, how to use one and what type to buy?
A: What I love about butt plugs is that they are so easy to use. You put it in and then you leave it and continue as usual. That’s it. Then carry on with vaginal intercourse, foreplay, oral sex, whatever else it was you were doing.
They’re great because if you stick to inserting a finger, you lose the use of a whole hand that could be doing other stuff. Also, butt plugs are less embarrassing for lots of people because you put them in, and then it’s kind of forgotten about. If you feel embarrassed admitting how much you like anal stimulation, you can always blame the moans and groans on the other stuff they’re doing to you! If they’ve got a finger inserted and moving about, it’s obvious what’s doing it!
I’d opt for a beginner butt plug to start with. I do one in my supersex range which is very popular (you can find all my products on lovehoney.com: search ‘Tracey Cox’ and you’ll see both ranges). Mine is hot pink, so even less threatening! It’s about 3.5 inches long and 3 inches wide. Butt plugs look a bit like a tiny penis with a potbelly, and ALL butt plugs and anal toys have a flared base. Unlike the vagina, which has an ‘end,’ the rectum leads to the intestine that’s five feet long. The flared base stops it from disappearing inside and getting lost. Five feet is a bit far to stick your fingers up to retrieve something that’s gone missing.
Make sure you have a good supply of lube. Adding lubrication is a good idea with all sex toys but essential with anal toys because the rectum isn’t self-lubricating. Use a thick, high-quality lube, and don’t be stingy.
How to use it? Once you’re aroused, or after an orgasm, get your partner to apply lube to you or the butt plug or both and run it gently around the rim of the anus. Get them to gently press and see if your anus ‘pulls’ the toy in. If it doesn’t, get them to press gently until the toy is inserted a little way. Even if it starts to be pulled in, take it slowly, stopping to let you get accustomed to something inside you. You might feel a tiny bit of discomfort as it’s going in –especially if it’s your first time– but once it’s inside and in place, it should feel very comfortable. Then you just simply leave it in there and continue having sex as usual.
