Mamma Mia! Do You Not Know the Father of Your Child?
Tracey’s Tip: There is no clear-cut answer here, but if you’re going to say something, you need to say it quickly
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about trying lubes, swallowing, and what to do if the father of your unborn child might not be your husband.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: This is something I’m sure you get asked all the time but do I really need to swallow? I don’t mind giving my partner oral sex but really hate the swallowing part. He says it’s like having a hot dog without the ketchup. Is this true or is he making a fuss over nothing?
A: He is making a fuss over nothing.
Swallowing is more of a head game than anything else. Men see it in porn and think that’s what women need to do. The truth is, nearly all the nerve endings in the penis are in the head so ‘deep-throating’ is more a power game than it is to do with it feeling amazing. There is little feeling in the shaft and base.
I don’t know ANY woman who ‘deep-throats’ her partner. Seriously. So let’s put that myth to rest, shall we? (If you do want to try it though, the trick is to tip your head and neck off the edge of the bed so allow the maximum throat leverage and to breathe through your nose. Even writing this makes me feel claustrophobic and panicky so good luck!)
Anyway, back to swallowing. You don’t have to swallow to give outstanding oral sex. Just let him know beforehand that it’s not something you want to do — and reassure him that you won’t leave him–ahem–hanging. Either take the semen in your mouth then disappear to the bathroom to (discreetly) spit it out or withdraw when he’s in the throes of orgasm and continue stimulating him with your hand. A sexier alternative is to allow him to ejaculate elsewhere on your body.
Two other things I want to say about this. For anyone who has never tried swallowing, try it once. Semen isn’t sulphuric acid– it’s mainly water and mucus. Actually, it tastes like alfalfa sprouts. Not exactly disgusting. And if your partner’s semen does taste bad, he needs to look at his diet and cut out the pints, curries, and garlic.
BUT there’s a big proviso on this one: ONLY do swallow if you’re in a monogamous relationship and have been given the all-clear for STIs. If he has an STI, you can get it through bodily fluids. Swallowing can put you at risk of gonorrhea, chlamydia, Hep B, and HIV. Just wrapping your mouth around his penis puts you at risk of herpes, genital warts, syphilis.
I thought this was a good time to mention that. We’re so worried about Covid that I think we forget that there are other infections in the world that are dangerous.
Q: You’re always talking about how much better sex is when you use lube. But which lube should I be using? And what about things like Vaseline and baby oil. Don’t they do just as good a job?
A: I have said it many times and I stand by it: if you want to improve your sex life dramatically and instantly, try using lube.
Most straight couples drag it out now and then for intercourse if she’s feeling dry. Gay male couples are big fans. They use it for hand-jobs, anal play and anal sex, and when they’re using sex toys– basically, for everything. I wish all straight couples would do the same. Do it! You will really notice the difference!! So many women complain of vaginal dryness and lube cling to the vaginal lining the way vaginal secretions do. Using lube for everything you do with sex can make the difference between looking forward to sex and dreading it.
Lube also makes safe sex safer: if you add a drop of lube inside a condom, it’s less likely to tear.
The trick with lube, though, is getting the amount right. Use too much and you reduce all friction and can’t feel anything. Add a little to start and then top up rather than overdo it.
Here’s a quick rundown:
Saliva is always a safe bet.
It’s natural and good for everything, and saliva is also great to reactivate the lube you added earlier. It gives it another lease of life.
Do household lubes like Vaseline, Baby Oil, hand creams, olive oil, and butter work as well as the bought stuff work like they do in movies?
The answer is no, they don’t work in real life. Some damage condoms, while others upset the pH balance of vaginal infections and cause infections. They can be messy and smelly and a bugger to get out in the wash. I would steer clear.
Lubricant that’s made for the purpose of inserting inside the body isn’t expensive. Don’t go super cheap though: cheap usually means ghastly when it comes to lubes– they’re likely to include highly irritating ingredients like glycerin, petroleum, parabens, nonoxynol-9, propylene glycol, benzocaine, and chlorhexidine gluconate. Spend more and read the labels. Carefully.
Water-based lubricants won’t eat condoms or your sex toys.
If you’re using lube with sex toys, you need to be very careful. Silicone-based lubes eat the silicone on sex toys and make wearing a condom pointless as they destroy it. Always use a water-based lubricant with any sex toy — especially if you’re not sure if it’s made from silicone.
Silicone-based lubes last longer.
They’re great if you’re sensitive–they’re unlikely to cause yeast infections–and have no flavor. If want to have oral sex while you’re using the lube, silicone lubes are great. You can opt for something flavored but this is an alternative.
So you’re sensing a theme here — you need to know what you’re going to use the lube for before you decide on what’s best for you.
Q: I have just got married and am four months pregnant. I love my husband dearly but, the week before the wedding, I met up with a man I still have feelings for. I wanted to be sure I was marrying the right person (I decided I am) but I’m ashamed to say we ended up having sex. This should be one of the happiest moments of my life but it’s not because I have no idea who is the father: it could be my ex or my husband. What do I do?
A: This was emailed to me on my socials, rather than through the website, and the woman said she was happy for us to discuss on the podcast so long as anonymous. The original message was VERY long with lots of detail on how much she loves her husband but has always stayed in love with a guy she met in college.
She wanted to do the right thing by her husband as well as herself by seeing the old flame before the marriage. The sex shouldn’t have happened but she said it was more a sweet goodbye than a lusty session and both of them cried. Still doesn’t stop you from getting pregnant though– tender as it was. I wonder why she didn’t think about the pregnancy risk at the time. If she’s not using contraception like the pill, how could you not think about the risk? I should have checked this before the recording although the moral dilemma stays the same though: does she shut up and keep this secret or speak up and potentially lose her new husband??
There are so many answers to this question, and none of them is the exact right one. Something to note: most researchers believe around 10% of men are fathering children that aren’t theirs, though other studies have suggested that number is much higher.
The points I would make are:
1. If other people know the truth and it’s likely to come out at any point –even years later– your mind is already made up for you. It’s both pointless and cruel to not tell your husband. If it’s likely to remain a secret only you will ever know, the solution isn’t so obvious.
2. It’s undeniably abhorrent behavior to fool a man into believing a child is his when it isn’t. But for every man who finds out and is broken, there’s another who says they’re glad they didn’t know because they’d rather have had the experience of bringing up a child they love, with a wife they love, than knowing the truth and having had neither.
3. Maternal instinct is a hugely powerful thing. Most women in this scenario are thinking about what’s best for the baby, rather than what’s best for the parents. Plenty wrestle with what to do for so long, they feel they’ve missed the moment and that it’s best to just hope their secret never gets discovered.
4. Another huge thing to consider in this scenario is how well you’d handle being the only person to know. Remember: you’d be lying to your child as well as your husband. Secrets poison relationships. Some women can’t bond with the child because they feel so ashamed. Others feel so wretched every time they look at their cuckold partner, the marriage falls apart anyway.
I think this dilemma is intensely personal. I have never had a child which is why I’m sitting on the fence for this one. I think I’d probably tell my husband and hope he’d forgive me. But that’s without even touching on the other moral dilemma of whether the biological father also deserves to know.
You don’t say if your old flame is in another relationship but it’s very clear you have history. How do you think he’d react to this? If your marriage was over, is it worth exploring a relationship with this other man? Or even raising the child as a single parent with him as a friend and Dad, if he is available to do that?
There is no clear-cut answer here but I would say this: if you’re going to say something, you need to say it quickly.
