My Husband of 19 Years Cheated On Me Then Left — How Do I Move On?
Tracey’s Tip: Quite frankly I don’t think you should EVER give him another chance
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about what to do to move on after your long-term partner has put you through hell, how to incorporate a vibrator into your sex life, and tips for making your first time with someone you really like go well.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: My husband has just left me and I honestly don’t know where to go from here. We were married for 19 years but the last seven or so have been hell, after I discovered him cheating, time and time again. He’s now found someone he says he’s in love with and has left me for her. We have two children together but they’re both not living at home anymore. Do you have any advice on what I should do next?
A: First up, I offer my full sympathy and say I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. Can I also say you will survive this? When you move past the really hurting part –which will take time to do but it will happen– you will not only realize you did survive but that you are much better off without this man in your life. Seven years of hell and giving him chance after chance after chance!!
I’m going to give some advice on where you might want to go from here but I would hope the first thing you did was to call someone who loves you dearly to come and stay for a few days. I’m sure you did that. But next steps…
Wrap yourself in a blanket of love.
Separating, especially after trying so hard to work things out, is traumatic. You’re exhausted, you’re emotional. But what’s done is done. Move forward and don’t look back. Surround yourself with friends and family who make you feel good about yourself. Minimize contact with anyone who will judge you or make you feel worse. Go for walks in the park. Do nice calming things for yourself.
Let go.
If you’ve tried and tried again it’s difficult for you to see him, step back. Don’t try to be his friend, don’t be there when it all goes wrong with the other woman– as so many wives are. Luckily your kids are all grown up and their relationship with their father is their business. You don’t need to organize their meetings, force them to see him, or get upset if they want to.
Consider seeing a therapist, if you feel stuck.
If that’s not you, listen to some podcasts and read some books to get some insight. I’d highly recommend checking out Andrew Marshall’s website which has lots of help and advice. He’s written tons of books on the topic of betrayal and infidelity and moving forward. The website is andrewgmarshall.com.
Analyzing is fine but don’t overdo it.
One of the podcasts I was listening to about infidelity raised a very good point. The therapist was saying how so many of her clients get stuck on the, ‘But why did they do it?’ question. We all want to know but the fact is NO reason will ever be good enough for you. You probably will never know why– they probably don’t even know why. It’s very hard to accept that you’ll never know but you really will never really know.
What if he wants to come back?
A lot of affairs fall apart the minute they’re out in the open. That’s because a lot of what was keeping them exciting is sneaking around. Before long, that new shiny perfect person they’ve been seeing will turn into someone who has flaws and imperfections. It’s often at this point that the husband turns around and realizes new relationships turn into old ones and you have a lot of history and kids together. Should you take him back if that happens?
Quite frankly I don’t think you should EVER give him another chance. But the point I want to make is it’s pointless worrying NOW about whether you should or shouldn’t give him yet another chance. It might not happen. Assume he won’t want another chance, get on with your new life and if it happens later on, when you’re rested and revitalized and feeling confident and looking great and perhaps dating someone new, that’s when you can decide.
Q: Hi Zibby and Tracey, I love your podcast, you’re helping so many people! My question is how do I incorporate using a vibrator regularly into sex with my partner? It works quickly every time, so it would be perfect to speed up love-making sessions. When he uses his fingers or gives me oral stimulation, it takes much longer and sometimes doesn’t lead to orgasm. The trouble is, I feel anxious bringing it up as I don’t want him to feel inadequate or awkward about me preferring the vibrator to his skills. I would enjoy him using it on me but am too scared to ask!
A: This issue is getting better with men– vibrators are now so normalized, young guys can’t really help but get with the plot. It tends to be the older men who still feel threatened by women wanting to use them in bed.
Here’s what I always recommend for how to introduce one subtly: tell him you bought a fun present for the two of you– a bullet vibrator. They’re the size of a tampon and the perfect way to introduce a vibrator to a nervous man. The next time you have sex, say, ‘Hey let’s use the little vibrator I bought’ and then use it on him first. Buzz it around his nipples, try it on his penis, his testicles, the perineum– keep it light and jokey. And don’t be offended if he’s not an instant convert– women love vibration much more than men (except when it comes to anal play and prostate massage, but that’s a whole other question for another day).
Once he’s a bit more relaxed, give it to him and let him play with it on your body. If he does dismiss it and say this is rubbish, ask him to try it on you. Again, let him buzz around your nipples and breast and when he does use it on your clitoris, push it away after a few minutes before you climax. Lots of men –young and old– look like deflated balloons the first time they see how quickly most women orgasm with a vibrator.
Keep doing this over a few sessions –letting him use the bullet on you for longer each time– but still don’t make it the star attraction by having an orgasm. You’ll sense when he starts to relax completely: that’s when you can take it through to the grand finale. It’s easy from there to say, ‘Let’s try another vibrator for a change’ if you prefer something bigger or more powerful. Progress in baby steps: don’t go straight from a tampon size bullet vibe to a rabbit.
There are two reasons men are threatened by vibrators: the first is that they do the job of making women orgasm so much faster than they do. Secondly, because they look bigger than he is. The irony is while women still do use rabbit vibrators –which are designed for penetration as well as clitoral stimulation and often do look like a penis– most just turn them around and just use the rabbit ears. Still: small, slim, nonphallic-shaped vibrators are a much better choice to use with a nervous partner.
Q: I’m about to have sex with someone that I really like for the first time. I’m excited but also nervous. Any tips on how to make it go well?
A: We all like to make out sex isn’t a big deal anymore because we live in such a sexualized society but sex with someone you like and want to build a relationship with is a big deal. Allowing someone to see you naked –to touch, smell and taste your body– makes you vulnerable. If you haven’t got naked in front of anyone other than a long-term partner in years –maybe even decades– how is it ever not going to be a big deal?
So, let’s get this straight before we go any further: nerves are normal. Don’t feel weird for feeling anxious. Follow your instincts and some of these tips and all will be well. Trust me.
Don’t make a set rule of when it’s going to happen — with anyone really.
Sometimes the first night is the right night, other times you might wait ten dates. Another time a few months. Let it happen organically but with one rule: you do it when YOU’RE ready, not when they’re ready.
Have safe sex.
Love does not stop you from getting an STI or pregnant– but we think it does! We’re far more likely to not use a condom with someone we really like.
Give gentle guidance, but not too much.
The first session is about connecting and being intimate together. It’s not a lesson on how to give you an orgasm. Maybe lift a hand and put it where you want it or give some spoken feedback. But otherwise, be kind and encouraging. Reward things you like with obvious moans or ‘That feels amazing’ and just don’t respond as enthusiastically to things that aren’t working.
Sincerity is sexy.
Being genuinely aroused by someone is the biggest compliment you can give. Let them know that, even if their technique isn’t perfect, you’re very happy simply because it’s their hand/penis/tongue touching you.
Take baby steps.
Penetrative sex (i.e. intercourse) is often the most frightening bit for both of you. Spend a few sessions just kissing, then foreplay only– maybe enjoy bringing each other to orgasm through oral sex, then progress to intercourse.
Keep it simple.
Working your way through a repertoire of ‘tricks’ looks desperate. Similarly, any slightly ‘out there’ stuff can wait a little while. Even if you are eager to try or show off all the adventurous stuff you didn’t get to try with your previous partner, hold off. If the relationship does have legs, you’ve got all the time in the world to trot out those signature sex moves. Don’t use them up at the start when you don’t need them.
Don’t expect to orgasm.
First-time sex might be wonderful but it’s also stressful. Go into it thinking you’re going to relax and enjoy the sensations and where it takes you, rather than whether you’ll orgasm or not.
Have a sense of humor.
Even if it’s disastrous, if you both laugh it off, who cares? Most people muddle their way through the first time, the really good sex usually happens about four to six sessions in. Sex isn’t an exam. You’re not going to get a pass or fail at the end of it. If it feels like you are, you’re with the wrong person. Stop stressing and thinking it has to be perfect.
