Need to Speed Up Marathon Sex? Try These Tips!
Tracey’s Tip: Less than 20% of women orgasm through penetrative sex alone, so not too many women are interested in hour-long sessions
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about ways to speed up marathon sex, how age affects your orgasms, and whether or not you should be offended if your partner talks about your sex life with her friends.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: Please can you suggest a way to speed up sex with my husband? He can last up to an hour at a time. It’s boring and I get sore. He thinks it’s something to be proud of but all I can think of is how to make it end.
A: I remember those marathon intercourse sessions but that was back in my 20s. That’s impressive — but I so wouldn’t be interested in that now. Not even sure I was back then…
Given less than 20% of women orgasm through penetrative sex alone, I’m not sure too many women are interested in hour-long intercourse sessions.
Several studies report that most people want intercourse to last between seven and thirteen minutes. If you’re heading up to 30 minutes or longer, you’re tipping into the ‘too long’ category. One hour moves into the ‘WAY too long’ category in my book. It’s only men who are impressed by lasting that long and that’s because their second-biggest sex fear is ejaculating too quickly. If he’s going on and on (and on), it’s usually because he thinks women prefer long sessions (not true) or feels he needs to wait for her to orgasm (and is under the illusion intercourse is what will give her one).
The first and obvious thing I want to know: have you talked to him about this and told him you don’t want intercourse to last so long? Have you told him that it’s not the way you have your orgasms and that it makes you sore? (The way to stop that happening is to use lots of lube and stop to reapply it — but one hour of thrusting is going to be tough on any vagina!) Have you told him that you don’t enjoy it when it goes on for so long?
That’s the first thing to do. Word it sensitively but be honest. Say ‘I wanted to chat to you about how long our sex sessions last. I love having sex with you, but it’s far too long for me. It makes me sore and I’d enjoy it so much more if it only lasted for [however long you’d like it to last].’ This is your husband! I presume you’re going to be together a while and this is a lot to put up with! If you don’t speak up about this, you’re very quickly going to avoid sex altogether.
Other things you can do to speed things up…
Choose a position that allows deep penetration and fast thrusting.
Both are likely to make him climax quicker. If you’ve been at it in the same position for ages, changing position will reinvigorate and reduce desensitization.
Up the stimulation generally.
Tweak his nipples, play with his testicles, bite his neck. Add visual excitement by playing with your own nipples, touching your own genitals, or putting their fingers in your mouth and sucking on them. Maintain intense eye contact throughout.
Add anal stimulation when you’re ready for him to orgasm.
A well-lubed finger or thumb excites different nerve endings and adds a ‘forbidden’ element to push him over the edge. If you’re not into anal play, try putting pressure on his perineum. Depending on what position you’re in, press firmly with your thumb or hold your hand in an ‘L’ shape and push up firmly between his legs.
You just can’t bear to go there?
Offer to masturbate yourself to orgasm in front of him while he stimulates himself. It’s way more exciting than yet another intercourse session… and he might learn a thing or two on how you really orgasm.
Q: Should it take longer to have an orgasm as you get older (men and women)?
A: Quick answer — yes, for both men and women. It’s because your hormone levels change and there are reduced levels of estrogen and testosterone.
Dealing with women first, estrogen is what keeps your vagina moist, healthy, and flexible– the clitoris, urethra, bladder, and other urogenital components also rely on it for healthy functioning. As levels decline, these organs literally shrink. Without sufficient estrogen, it takes longer to get lubricated, even if you are sexually excited, because there’s reduced blood flow which makes the vaginal tissue thinner and weaker. Elasticity decreases and the vagina expands less– this is why intercourse can be painful or uncomfortable.
Less blood flow also means less sensitive nerve endings, including those in your clitoris. This is why you may take longer to orgasm and might find it difficult to climax. The intensity of your orgasms may also alter because of these hormonal changes.
By the time you reach menopause, your body is producing about half as much testosterone as it was when you were in your 20s. Researchers aren’t quite sure of the exact role of testosterone in women’s sexuality. It appears to affect desire but may also contribute to blood flow and arousal of the clitoris and labia, which in turn contributes to orgasm.
For men: his testosterone levels also drop, which means difficulties achieving or maintaining an erection, less desire for sex, and reduced blood flow to his penis. Again, this generates the same list of (rather depressing) consequences: decreased sensitivity means it takes him longer to get aroused and he needs a longer recovery time between erections. His orgasms are also less intense, ejaculation is less forceful and he produces less semen.
The good news about all this is taking longer to reach orgasm can be a good thing! Why rush to the finish line? The orgasm itself lasts mere seconds or minutes. It’s the journey and the hovering in the ‘almost there’ bit which is the most fun. Turn your mindset around and it’s not a negative at all.
Q: I’m a recently divorced man (42) and have been seeing a woman for two months. All is going well but she came over one night after seeing her friends –lots of drinking involved– and confessed she’d told them all about the sex we’ve been having. I think most of it was complimentary but she also told them about an incident that didn’t go well (she found it funny and I didn’t). Am I wrong to be annoyed about this? It’s made me think twice about her.
A: Don’t think twice about her!!!! It’s a new relationship, she’s excited about you and sex is a hot topic of conversation on any girly night out. Quite frankly if you weren’t a big topic of conversation on her night out, that would be when you need to worry!!! It’s early days, it’s all going well, she’d probably like to talk about you all night. I found a recent study that said 80% of human conversations involve talking about, criticizing, or evaluating other people.
True, she probably shouldn’t have told them about the ‘incident’ that went wrong –dying to know what that is, by the way– but if she thought it was funny and she’d had a few drinks, I’m sure the intention was to entertain her friends not be critical or judging of you. Perhaps she didn’t understand just how upset you were by it not going to plan.
My instinct on reading this was that you seem to be taking all this very seriously. You didn’t think it was funny when sex went wrong. You don’t think it’s funny that she told her friends about the great sex you’ve been having. You’re recently divorced and probably feeling very vulnerable, even if you’re not conscious of it. The first relationship after a divorce is usually a little fraught– you don’t say how long you were married but even if it wasn’t for long, it’s still challenging getting out there and dating again.
It could also be that this is the first time you’ve found out that women share such explicit details about their intimate lives. Men don’t. They might say ‘Slept with her’ or ‘She’s got great breasts’ but men tend not to go into detail. Women do. It can come as a shock to men when they first discover it. Rather than be threatened by this, men should be pleased. Sometimes women find it difficult to talk to their partners about sex and talking about it to friends is a way of finding solutions, finding out if something is normal and how to deal with it.
My take is you are overreacting a little. Sure, it was a bit annoying but I don’t think this is a dealbreaker and it definitely shouldn’t make you think twice about her. She was just drunk and overexcited and sharing with her girlfriends. By all means, ask her if she’d mind keeping certain aspects of your sex life to herself but ultimately you have no control over what she says when you’re not around — and neither should you! Give up trying to control it all. Relax into it all. Enjoy the great sex and see where it takes you!
