Reflections On the Push and Pull of My Exercise Routines

Remember that forgiveness pairs beautifully with determination and persistence

Photo by Fitsum Admasu on Unsplash

At twenty-eight years old, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve started and stopped a new exercise routine.

I know I’m not alone. This struggle is as familiar as the check-in lady at my local YMCA would be if I ever stuck with my gym habit longer than a few weeks, which is the exact time it takes me to order new sports bras and promptly remember that I hate exercise.

That’s how it usually goes for me. But recently, I decided to start small.

At first, it was just a walk around my neighborhood each morning before the rest of my house woke up. Any hesitancy I felt about setting an alarm for five in the morning, I nullified by reminding myself that no one would touch me the entire time. Such sweet relief.

I sweetened the deal by popping on an audiobook. Nothing academic. Give me Sarah J. Maas or Julia Quinn, thank you very much.

It didn’t take long before I realized that I felt significantly less depressed after my morning walk. My lord — I thought — the propaganda is true.

Then I noticed some of my chronic gut issues subside. Turns out moving your body helps process toxins and complete the stress cycle. Fewer toxins and less stress? Another salacious rumor confirmed.

I found myself walking five days a week, month after month. Suddenly, I was an exerciser. And then something else happened. It got hot. Like, really hot. A clear mind and a healed gut weren’t worth that mess.

Not again! I thought. Why am I so fickle? Why can’t I stick to anything?

I would have stayed in that self-hatred stupor, but then I got distracted by pool days and slow mornings and s’mores around a bonfire. I got a workout in when I wrestled my kids into the bathtub, or when I played volleyball in the backyard after dinner, or when I chased the volleyball down the street because my two-year-old discovered gravity. Time passed, summer melted into fall.

That’s when I found myself back at the gym. Because they have air conditioning and childcare and the lady at the front desk really is nice.

I’d barely stuffed myself into my bike shorts before I started asking: How long is it gonna last this time? Why even bother?

And then I realized the truth.

There’s no “this time” or “next time” or “last time.” The idea of trying and failing at a new habit, whether it’s walking or flossing or folding your clothes, it’s just another reason to feel guilty for being imperfectly human.

I never stopped my exercise habit. I just took a little break. I plan on living a long life; there will be a lot of breaks! And I didn’t fail at my goal. My only goal was to move my body, and I did that! Formally, and then kind of informally, and then some days not at all because rest and Netflix and balance.

But I found the will, and I met my goal one day at a time.

It feels good to start a new habit because it means we get to buy new shoes or an expensive planner or new packs of floss even though our old ones are still in the back of our cabinet somewhere.

But when we slip up, we interpret that as a failure. In truth, even if you’re in the middle of a slump, you are only one step away from fulfilling a promise of betterment. Just being again. You are complex, nuanced, and balanced. Remember that forgiveness pairs beautifully with determination and persistence.

You will grow and expand and hold many conflicting demands at once.

There is no singular destination. There is no standard to claim. There is only what you can manage right now, today, which will help you rise up and meet tomorrow.

I’m in the middle of a gym phase right now. We’ll see how long it lasts. I’m hoping it’s a slow, meandering path, and that I find more pleasure than punishment.

Rachel Fletcher has a BA in English from James Madison University, with a concentration in non-fiction creative writing. She’s spent the past five years being a Jane-of-all-trades, teaching seventh grade English, owning a floral design business, tutoring, working at a law firm, and writing website copy on the side. These days, Rachel focuses on her own writing and helping small businesses and fledgling authors create polished prose and cohesive messaging.